About Stuart Duncan

My name is Stuart Duncan, creator of http://www.stuartduncan.name. My oldest son (Cameron) has Autism while my younger son (Tyler) does not. I am a work from home web developer with a background in radio. I do my very best to stay educated and do what ever is necessary to ensure my children have the tools they need to thrive. I share my stories and experiences in an effort to further grow and strengthen the online Autism community and to promote Autism Understanding and Acceptance.
Author Archive | Stuart Duncan

Video game lesson – If you can see it, there has to be a way

By on March 9, 2013 in Autism

Cameron - Video GameWhile my boys were playing video games today, there was a level where they could see a door but, try as they might, they could not reach it. I sat and watched as they tried and tried again. Sure, they got frustrated but they didn’t stop until eventually, one of them said “There has to be a way!”

And you know what? They got it. It took a little while but they got it.

I couldn’t help but think what a great lesson that is, not just in playing video games but for life in general. And how much I hope that they can carry that lesson forward in all the things they do.

As I sat there, watching them try and try and try, I thought about all the great successful people that most of us wish we could emulate and it occured to me that their philosophy probably wasn’t that far off from what my children were practicing right at that very moment:

If you can see it, there has to be a way to get it.

I thought about my own life. How I want to learn new materials to advance my career. How I want to start losing weight. How I want to learn new things to get my foot in the door in a more official capacity in the world of autism.

I can see these things. They’re attainable goals. They’re very real possibilities in my future. What I have lacked all this time is the belief that there’s a way to attain them.

I think that’s true for many people in many circumstances in their lives. We set goals, especially New Years resolutions, because we can see ourselves reaching those goals, but when we struggle or fail along the way, we stop believing that there’s a way to reach those goals. We can still see them, we just stop trying to find a way.

But a lot like a video game, if you can see it, there has to be a way. That door was put there for a reason. That extra power up, that extra gold reward, that extra life, it was put there in the game, where you can see it, to make you think and to make you try. It’s a way to challenge you.

The same is true in life. The things we want, the things we need, the goals we work for, they’re put there to challenge us, to make us think and to make us work for it. There has to be a way and so long as we never give up, we’ll find it.

Sometimes it takes a little boy with autism, doing what he loves, to help me see things more clearly.

It’s funny how that works.

Comments { 1 }

Spread the word to end the word – a suggested suitable replacement

By on March 6, 2013 in Autism, Special Needs

Spread the word to end the word

Today is, once again, the day to end the word. The “r-word”.  Really though, it’s every day, isn’t it? They just make official days to get us bloggers all talking about it at the same time. Which is brilliant. But really, we all need to be talking about it any time the word comes up or when ever the opportunity arises. Not to preach to our friends, family or even strangers about how we want them to talk but to suggest that there may be a better way.

That’s how I look at this, as an opportunity. And since I’ve been at this for a while, I think I know my audience (that’s you) pretty well. Which means that I know you’ve already heard about this and more so, most likely already removed that word from your vocabulary. Even if not, for what ever reason, you’ve at least heard of it and made your decision. (although I do hope you’ll reconsider it someday)

So I won’t sit here and preach to you. You know how it hurts me since I have a child with special needs. You know how it hurts others from those in care facilities to those who simply learn at a slower rate than “normal.” You know all the things I could possibly say to you to convince you to stop using that word.

Instead, I would ask that you seize your opportunities. As awkward as they may be or as shy as you may be or as uncomfortable as it may become, speak up.

Whether it’s a family member, an old friend or some person on the bus, speak up. Be nice, don’t be preachy, and just gently suggest that you and many people find that word offensive no matter how it’s used or in which way it’s intended. Suggest that, even though you valuable their right to say and do as they please, you just request that they understand that it is offensive to many and to take the time to consider all that this implies.

There is one word that I often suggest as a replacement, not to be used in place of, but to be thought of instead. An r-word to replace an r-word.

That word is respect.

When a person is about to or has already used the r-word, think about the other r-word, respect. Respect those that find it offensive. Respect those that are having to hear it. Respect those that are indirectly implied by your using it. Respect yourself enough to have a more evolved vocabulary and sense of community.

You don’t have to respect an individual, in the way in which you’d respect a peer, but to respect the ideal behind those are trying to do something right. For the good of the children, the children’s parents and everyone around the world.

So no, I’m not going to ask that you not use the word. All I ask is that you take today and any day to speak up when someone does. Be respectful in suggesting that they do the same.

And in the mean time, read and share because the more that we get the word out to the world, the faster we can get the word out of the world.

More:

End The Word

Sticks and Stones

What’s in a word?

Being Retarded

 

If you have written a post or found a post about this, please share and I’ll add it to the list above.

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With autism, consider making the path your goal, not the goal your path

By on February 26, 2013 in Autism, General

Read a “how to be successful” book and it will tell you to start with a 5 year goal, then break it down to 5 individual yearly goals, then break those down to monthly goals, then to weekly and eventually to daily goals. The idea being that you set your sights on where you want to be and break it down to the steps you need to take to get there.

When our child is diagnosed with autism, we tend to focus on them having a family of their own one day, a steady job and all that “normal” stuff we think will be what makes our child a happy grown up some day. Then we deconstruct that backwards into smaller goals. With autism, it’s not as easy to break down into daily or even weekly goals but that’s what we’re thrown into by way of scheduled therapy sessions, ABA and strict routines.

And when something doesn’t appear to be working, we change paths. Our focus being the goal no matter which path we need to get there. Rightly so, I mean, this is our children we’re talking about. A parent does what ever a parent needs to do for their child.

When Cameron was diagnosed, we were faced with a lot of wait lists. We were in the right place to get the best therapists and everything that Cameron would need but we’d have to wait until after he was 5 years old to get it. We searched around and found a school with a new autism program where a select few classes are specifically for autistic children.

We were faced with a choice: wait for what we were told are the best services available or move, losing most of everything we had, and get immediate help but unsure of how well it would go. Back then, all we knew was that it was a new program at a little school in a little town.  So, start immediately with the unknown or wait several years for the best.

I look back at it as more than just a choice of starting then or starting later, I see it as choosing between the end goal and the path to get to that goal.

Focusing on the end goal, to me, is a way of focusing on the problem. You still love your child and want what’s best for them, but you’re so very focused on removing what ever road block is in front of them that the path to reaching that goal becomes unimportant.

You spend your time talking about the problem, dwelling on the problem, asking for advice on the problem, reading about the problem, writing about the problem, trying different things to solve the problem… eventually the people close to you hear you talking more about the problem than about your actual child. They’d never tell you that and it would never feel like that but let’s face it, you become a bit of a downer dude.

In this way, the problem becomes your path to the goal. “What ever it takes” is driven by the road block, by your drive to over come that road block and reach the end goal.

Focusing on the path, however, allows you to still get to your end goal but the way in which you look at and approach the situation can be drastically different.

Consider this, that the one key constant between now, your end goal, all of the road blocks, all of the successes and everything in between, is your child.

Given all of that, if you could choose only one thing to put your focus on and keep it there, what would it be?

It’s not that I suggest giving up on anything, only shifting your point of view a bit.

You can’t force the future to be what you want it to be, you can only do your best here and now, in the present and trust that it will be enough to take you to the future that you want. What you have right now are not problems to be solved in order to get the outcome you desire.

You have a child. A child that is waiting for you to line up some cars too. To spin them on their roof. To get more building blocks for sorting by color. For sitting down and drawing trees, or trains or what ever they love to draw too. A child that loves you so very much even if they can’t find a way to express it to you. A child who doesn’t want you to think they’re a burden and certainly not a problem for you to solve.

The path to the goal? It’s a kiss on the head as they sleep. It’s a rare hug out of nowhere. It’s a favorite blanket that you always remember to have for them. It’s giving them the freedom to leave the dinner table in between bites if they have to. It’s in reading the same bedtime story 5 years in a row.

By the way, that school that we gave up everything for? Best decision ever. The teachers, EAs and entire school is just so kind, caring, nurturing and understanding that I believe Cameron never would have come as far if we had gone to “the best”.

We focused on our child. In letting him be a child. In joining him on his path rather than forcing him to take our path.

If you want a new house or a car or a boat, make yourself a plan of action and focus on your goal.

If you have a child with autism, make yourself a goal and then focus on your child. With your love and support, your guidance and encouragement, they’ll lead you to it. You’ll just have to follow their path.

path_rainbow

Make your path the goal

Comments { 7 }

Autistic people should be

By on February 23, 2013 in Autism

It’s fully understandable if the title seems to be cut a little short. It does sound like there should be something following that but I can assure you, I intended it exactly as I wrote it.

Autistic People Should Be

Autistic People Should Be

Autistic people should be. That’s it.

Autistic people should exist. They should be accepted. They should be treated with respect. They should just, very simply, be.

There’s a really great “flash blog” going on right now, based on the phrase “autistic people should”. The blog can be found here: http://autisticpeopleshould.blogspot.ca/

The reason for this is that some folks noticed that when they typed in “autistic people should” into Google, Bing or even Facebook’s search, the auto-complete feature of those search forms would finish the phrase for them, prompting them to search for “autistic people should die.”

Basically, this means that this phrase is out there so much that all these search places try to make their best guess that it’s most likely what it is that you’re searching for.

This is disturbing, to say the least. I can’t imagine most people feel this way or would ever want to be searching for that.

But whether that is the case or not, it’s a great idea to write up a blog post or to get some notes out there on the internet to force these search engines to offer up some alternative choices, or better yet, to no longer have the current suggestion listed at all.

And so, this post is dedicated to just that. My contribution to the “autistic people should” phrase and how I believe it should end.

It’s as many before me have said, without autistics or at least, autistic traits, there would be far less engineers, mathematicians, scientists, computer people and on and on. Autistics have always been here, even if it seems like it’s a relatively new thing. Autistics have contributed to far more through out history than you could ever imagine.

Without autistics, there would be far fewer savants, fewer advances in technology, fewer discoveries in science. Without autistics, well, who knows… perhaps we never would have even had the wheel. That seems a bit far fetched, right? But think about how long human history is and at what point, somewhere, some autistic may have contributed something important that without it, we could be hundreds of years behind where we are now.

Bringing it a bit closer to home, imagine a young couple, naive and arrogant, their whole lives ahead of them. They don’t know what autism is but assume it’s just bad and that autistics simply just should not be. Then this couple finds themselves as new parents and their child isn’t making eye contact or responding to their name. Would these people still feel as they did before? Would they still think that their precious little child should die simply because he or she is different? Or would they do everything in their power to ensure that their child has a bright and happy future?

Autistics should be.

Because the alternative is unthinkable.

 

Comments { 4 }

Autism, Fathers, The Future and Denial

By on February 16, 2013 in Autism
Is this what a father sees?

Is this what a father sees?

Far too many moms have asked me why their husbands might be in denial or worse yet, cold and distant to their child. Once they got the autism diagnosis, everything changed.

Many fathers struggle with it. It’s not just fathers though but mostly fathers it seems. And I think there are many reasons, denial being the most obvious but I think it’s more than that.

For most moms, when a child is born, they envision a bright and beautiful future for that child but it’s pretty abstract. Go anywhere, do anything.

For most fathers though, it’s usually much more specific. Like doing things with their child that they had done with their own fathers, or teaching the child how to do things that they love to do or having their child follow in their footsteps or even more so, to exceed those footsteps and be a much better person than they were.

And with an autism diagnosis, all of that is destroyed and it feels like it has been ripped away from you.

For moms, because their vision is so abstract, it doesn’t feel so devastating to lose. For many, it never even feels lost, just… it’s going to be different.

But many dads have a very hard time coping with that. Not many people like having their dreams ripped away from them and even less so to have their dreams for their children taken.

That can make a man distant and even seem cold. They sort of give up.

I’m not saying this is true for every father. As I said, there’s a lot that goes on in a person’s head when their child is diagnosed with autism or anything really.

But, if this is the case, or even just denial, then it may just take time to accept that, even though his dreams may be gone (they may still not be actually, who knows?), there’s still room and time for new dreams. A child is a child and even if the future seems less certain now, it still filled with unlimited potential.

If it’s your husband or anyone else you know that seems to be struggling with this feeling, all I can suggest is time, patience and perhaps a gentle reminder:

There’s still so much life left to live where anything can happen.

It would be a shame to miss what will happen because you’re too busy focused on what won’t happen.

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