About Stuart Duncan

My name is Stuart Duncan, creator of http://www.stuartduncan.name. My oldest son (Cameron) has Autism while my younger son (Tyler) does not. I am a work from home web developer with a background in radio. I do my very best to stay educated and do what ever is necessary to ensure my children have the tools they need to thrive. I share my stories and experiences in an effort to further grow and strengthen the online Autism community and to promote Autism Understanding and Acceptance.
Author Archive | Stuart Duncan

Lesson Learned: Always Have a Parent Present

By on June 9, 2010 in Autism

Shortly after getting Cameron diagnosed, we quickly found ourselves in a world of waiting as programs and services were all under funded and over filled. Because speech was our biggest priority, we bit the bullet and forked out the $150/hour it took to get our son in for speech therapy right away… the condition was that my wife, his mother, was able to sit in for each session to not only be a part of it but to learn what methods to continue reinforcing once our son was home.

After a little while and some good progress, the free speech therapy program was available to us which, at the time, was very welcoming since we really were in no position to afford $150/hour. So we quickly shifted him into the new program where we quickly realized that not all therapists are created equal.

This lady would give Cameron a toy and a task to perform with it, if Cameron wouldn’t or couldn’t do it, she would take his hand and force him to do it. Now, I would have thought that lesson #1 with Autistic children would be to know better than to even make contact, much less hold them and position them in such a way. This sort of manipulation did not sit well with Cameron and he got quite upset.

Then, once the task was performed, she demanded that Cameron put the toy away immediately after. He had just started to use this new wonderful toy and was now being told, and then forced to put it back.

This kind of hand holding and give and take process with the toys was very counter productive and would ultimately set him back several weeks. Rather than learning how to speak, he was learning how to regress… to shy away back into his shell further.

Luckily my wife is very hands on, she stays home with him full time and was able to be there to witness this. After discussing it together, we felt that we had no choice but to speak up and insist that my wife be in the room during these therapy sessions… and that most of all, that some things are made clear, and changed.

I’m sure you can tell by my tone that we expected a struggle in getting this to happen but no, they were very receptive and even though they suggested that she not be in the room, they allowed it, and they changed how they approached our son.

We saw immediate results and Cameron did very well, so long as she never grabbed him by the hand and she gave him ample time to explore and discover the toys he was given.

The lesson we learned was that you can not just hand over your child to anyone, no matter how well trained, how well paid or how highly recommended they may be… ultimately no one knows your own child as well as you do and what they think will work for most children might not work for yours.

Since then, we’ve been to several other programs and are even getting started with some programs now and the first thing we tell them is that we insist that his mother be there during the sessions. If they truly want what is best for our son, then they won’t deny us.

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To Infinity… And Beyond!

By on June 8, 2010 in Autism

Toy Story is a pretty great movie in that, no matter what your child is like, they’re probably going to relate to either Woody (the funny, very nice, kinda quiet good guy) or with Buzz Lightyear (the loud, arrogant, strong, proud, no nonsense good guy). It’s almost a window into your child’s inner core as you watch them pretend to be one or the other.. you can see which they would like to be.

I’ve only recently introduced Cameron to these movies, since part 3 is coming out this month (there was always newer better movies coming out so I just never got around to them) and he loved them, as I knew he would… but what I didn’t know was who he’d pick to want to be.

Cameron, being very skinny, very tall and funny and quiet…. picked Buzz Lightyear! And for his friend Woody, he picked his little brother Tyler, the shorter, stockier, louder one. To look at them and to even know them, they were mismatched. Chances are, no one would expect Cameron to pick Buzz Lightyear.

What it boils down to is his simple wish to be able to fly and shoot laser beams. Not overly enlightening or heart felt as I would like to be conveying to you in an effort to get more readers but there you have it. After that first day of watching the movie, he was not overly eager to go to school because he wanted to watch it again but when I told him his rocket ship was coming, instead of his bus, he climbed right on.

A little while later I talked to him about it and asked him if he knew what infinity meant. Of course, he said no and so I described it as “as far as far can go… if you went to outer space and kept going, it would be the furthest you could go”. At which point, he got all excited and said that he could go that far and proceeded to run around the house.

It likely didn’t mean much to him beyond just being silly but to me it kind of meant something more… that he really could go “as far as far can go” if he wanted to. That if he really wanted to, he could fly. That if wanted to he could…. oh jeeze, I hope he never gets a laser beam.

Anyway, the end result is that watching him want to go as far as far can go and then go further… helped me to feel pretty good about his choice to want to be Buzz Lightyear.

Maybe it’s just me wanting to find the tear drop symbolism and all that mushy good stuff. I’m quite happy with him shooting for the stars rather than wanting to be a rootin tootin cowboy now that I look at it the way I do.

To Infinity and beyond!

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Autism, It’s What My Son Has. Not The Other Way Around.

By on June 7, 2010 in Autism

There’s a lot of controversy around this video that was put out in which Autism was made out to be a man, a predator, who was preying on our children… kinda creepy but for me, it really made me think about how those so disconnected with Autism must think. I know for many, it’s how they think of cancer, or other stranger issues like flesh eating disease. These are things that attack people, they move in, attack, grow and take over. I think for some people, it’s just easier to think of Autism in that way.

The truth is though, there is no growth, there is no outside entity moving in. It’s something you just have, it’s a part of you. For all it’s good (savants) and bads (violence, lack of communication), it’s just part of what makes you who you are.

I recently ‘tweeted’ a simple line that came to me after watching that video: “Autism, it’s what my son has. Not the other way around.”

And I couldn’t help but think to myself, why don’t I make more of an effort to convey that to people when I’m describing to them how my son is. He’s every bit the normal little boy that every other child they deal with is. He just has some foods he can’t eat, like other children with allergies would, he has some issues with being overwhelmed or over stimulated, I had the same problem as a child, I’m not Autistic.

Autism is something that forces me to have to give people certain ‘tips’ and things to look for when they get to know him. They don’t have to put on a breathing apparatus or wear rubber gloves for fear of catching it, and they don’t have to completely alter entire systems or routines to suit him. They just need to be aware of a few things and all will be fine.

Some parents are not so lucky, I know this… and truly, my heart goes out to you because I can’t begin to imagine what that would be like. But for those of us who can get our child to talk, to be a part of the things we do… remember, they have Autism, they have issues, the Autism doesn’t have them.

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The Hardest Part of Autism – Looking To The Future

By on June 4, 2010 in Autism

I’ve had some people ask me what the hardest part is of having an Autistic son is and I kind of want to smack them. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a fair question but really, it’s an extremely overwhelming question.

Let’s see, we’ll start with the basics like his refusal to eat most foods, he’s never touched meat of any kind and then add on the fact that the stuff he will eat, he can’t because it makes him out of control. Then there’s his constant temper tantrums, more so a year ago than now but still happen. There’s his constant sadness as he comes home from school telling us how he has no friends. There’s the fear we have any time anyone anywhere ever has to take care of him, whether it’s family, baby sitters, teachers, sunday school teachers… anyone. Please don’t enrage him, please don’t feed him! There’s the stress that goes into every outing… right now we need to go on a week long trip, we have no idea how we’ll feed him since hotel rooms and restaurants aren’t his best situations to be in. Then there’s the financial burden, not only is there $150/hr speech therapy sessions but simple things like gluten free food cost a lot more than normal groceries. Let’s not forget that we picked up and sold our house, at a loss, to get him to a city where there’s a school that is perfect for him. That’s a good start….

On top of all of this there’s one thing that is actually harder than all of that, one thing that my wife and I have sat down and discussed many times and laid awake at night thinking about…. Cameron’s future.

I think most parents think about their children’s future quite a bit, most dream of great things and have their worries. It’s safe to say that most parents simply wish for their children to have a better life than they did themselves.

However, when your child is Autistic, you have a whole other world of uncertainty added on… one where the dreams fade a little, one where the hopes of a better life become more a matter of hope than desire. When your child is Autistic, all you want for them, is to be normal.

I think some parents pray for a savant, a child who’ll find that one truly amazing and indescribable talent that will bring the media running and make your child a prodigy… but I think most parents, like us, only want for our child to be able to grow up happy, to be able to finish school, have friends, get a good job, have a family of their own and all those good things that many people simply take for granted.

I think, for me anyhow, the hardest part is looking to the future and thinking to myself, what if he doesn’t have that? What if his life only gets harder? I mean, having no friends is hard at the age of 4 but it can make a teenager suicidal. What if he never has a family of his own? No one to love, to care for him other than his parents?

We can sell our house at a loss, we can handle the craziness when someone slips him a cookie that he shouldn’t have, we can handle the tantrums and the sadness… we can even handle having to eat mr noodles for a while to make sure he gets the things he needs… but looking to the future is something I can’t really handle. It’s something I don’t like to think about.

I’ve learned that all I can do is put it out of my mind and focus on right now. I just have to keep eating those mr noodles, keep helping him through the tantrums, keep getting him into the schools and programs he needs and maybe, just maybe…. hopefully… the future will sort itself out. Because if I spend all my time dwelling on what’s hardest, I’ll miss what is the best…. and that’s here and now.

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Sensationalizing Autism? Hard to Believe, But it Happens

By on June 3, 2010 in General

I think, sometimes, we forget about just how bad it really can be. The first thing you’re told when your child is delayed in speaking is that Einstein didn’t talk until he was 4. Then we hear about other amazing ‘savant’ Autistic people, even watch the Temple Grandin movie and start to think that maybe it’s not such a bad thing.

Then you get out into the Autism community and start talking to other people and even discover people with Autism themselves, discussing, sharing, informing… being involved. Many of whom are very proud of being Autistic actually, they recognize that they’re not less than anyone else, that they actually have advantages even over some people.

When you’re not doing that, you’re doing your own family thing with your own Autism issues and you get excited when your own child hits milestones, reaches achievements and so forth.

You can very easily get lost in it all because those that are unable to speak, those that are unable to leave the house without being in danger, those who have extremely stressful situations at home with their completely out of control children…  we don’t get to hear from them. They don’t get the time to join communities or to share experiences. Many of whom don’t even want to share because it’s simply too hard.

I think we can very easily sensationalize the very thing we’re all fighting so very hard against. We get so caught up in all the wonderful news, in all the good that can come of it that we easily forget just how ugly and terrible it can really be. Out of sight, out of mind, right?

I was recently watching twitter and a few sites where people with Autism themselves were expressing how proud they were but more so, going on about how others should be proud, how they are fully capable of everything that anyone else is capable of… and I couldn’t help but wonder how much that would hurt those parents out there who’s children simply never will be capable of much, much less everything that you or I can be.

How hurtful would it be to watch your children hurt themselves and constantly be in a rage… and then hear this person go on and on about how wonderful it is?

I don’t know what I would suggest to either as I certainly would never want to suggest that the person not be proud and not be loud about it. I mean, shout it from the roof tops if you’re capable! It’s truly wonderful.

I guess we just have to be sure that no matter how proud, how happy, how amazing the accomplishment, no matter how sensational it can seem… there is an ugly side. There is a reason that Autism needs to be prevented.

We fight for our children, we fight for ourselves, we fight for those who have yet to be diagnosed… but most importantly, we fight for those who can’t fight for themselves. Those who are either lost within their own minds or too busy doing everything they can for their children that they can’t be out there fighting for everyone else.

When you talk about Autism with someone else, either casually or in the Autism community, remember those people and the people who are happily having children that may soon discover that their lives will be harder than they ever dreamed possible.

They need our support even more than the rest of us, even though their voices may be the quietest.

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