Wanting To Do More And The Pain That Comes With Being Unable To Do So

One of the biggest reasons I get down, even to the point of hating myself, is that I only wish I could do more. I see these great parents writing amazing articles, running marathons, starting charities… I watched the movie Extraordinary Measures in which the father, facing the death of his two children, researches an under funded doctor who may have the cure and he sets out to confront that doctor, sets up a charity, gets the funding, finds the means and ultimately succeeds in getting a treatment found and now his children are still alive because of it.

Super hero stories are all around me where parents do super human things from sharing important information to raising millions… you’d think it would be inspiring.

The fact of the matter is that I’m just a guy… a dad, who works around the clock to simply be able to afford groceries as well as keep the power on. I’m just a guy who doesn’t have a university degree in business or journalism or science… I don’t even have a university degree!! I’m just a dad.

The truth is, no matter how much I can love my children, no matter how much I can sacrifice… I won’t be winning any awards, I won’t be changing the world any time soon.

Loving my children so much should be enough. I really do get it, I really do understand. I am doing what is needed. I have what I need. I am content with the life I have, I am content with the progress that Cameron has made.

But it’s not enough. Having what I need keeps me content. But I still wish for what I want… to really make a difference. To help find that treatment like the guy in the movie did. To find the doctor that has the real answer and help him if I can.

I get down on myself quite often, I just wish I could be more than what I am, have a better education, more skills, more time, more money, more fame to influence….  something, anything.

As it stands now, I get about 5 hours of interrupted sleep each night, and work when I’m not sleeping to afford the life we have. I just can’t do any more and it hurts.

I depend on others. I depend on them to find the answers that I can’t. I depend on them to make the changes that I can’t. I depend on them to be everything I wish I could be.

When Cameron is older, how do I look him in the eye and say “I took care of you, but I really didn’t do anything to help.” ?