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One Reason Why Children Do What They Do

By on July 4, 2011 in Autism, Parenting

Let’s be honest.  The truth is that sometimes we are totally baffled as to why our child with autism does the things s/he does!  If you’re the type of parent who’s open to new concepts, and I’ll bet you are, then I’d like to share one with you concerning challenging behaviors.  It’s called the Choice Law.

The Choice Law states that at any given moment children have choices…and they will always choose to do what they think will work for them!  Doesn’t matter whether they are boy or girl, tall or short, or mild to severe on the spectrum!  It’s the law and here’s what it says:

You do what you do because at some level (conscious or unconscious) you believe your choice of behaviors is going to benefit you.

It’s a very highly reliable law of behavior and if you take a few minutes to reflect back on your life history you’ll know that there’s truth to it.

Let me say it another way because it’s important that you get this:  if your child did not perceive his/her behavior as generating a positive outcome for himself he would not do it.  Plain and simple.  No matter how illogical or strange his behavior may seem he is engaging in it in order to create some potential beneficial result.

Let me state it yet another way because it’s really really important that you get this if you are going to successfully trouble-shoot challenging behaviors:  if your child chooses to engage in a behavior again and again it is because it produces (at least from his perspective) a potential beneficial outcome.  Conversely, if your child does not engage in a behavior again and again it is because it did not produce (from his perspective) a beneficial outcome!

Therefore, one of the first steps in reducing crisis behaviors or de-escalating crisis behaviors is to determine what the perceived beneficial outcome is from your child’s perspective.

But hold on because that’s not where I want to go with this blog post!

The direction that I want to move towards is the understanding and application of how this life law applies to YOU and how YOU respond to your child’s challenging behaviors.  If you’re like me, you’ve responded to your child in ways that causes you to shake your head in disbelief and ask yourself:

  • “What is wrong with me?”
  • “Why on God’s earth do I keep doing that?”
  • “I hate myself when I do that, so why do I keep doing it?”

Good questions.  Answer:  people do what they think will work for them. But that’s just part of the story.

Let’s talk more about this idea applies to parents in my next post…

Author:  Michael Woods (Founder of Relational Crisis Prevention)

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Mother’s Day – Remembering how I got here

By on May 7, 2011 in Autism, Parenting

This is the first part of a two part series. This post, I dedicate to my mother who gave me the strength and experiences that I needed to be able to handle what ever might come may way later in life. It turns out that it is a good thing she did. For that and all she did, I will always be eternally grateful.

I have one of those minds that remembers the craziest things… things from when I was 2, things that everyone else has forgotten… I remember where the scar on my knee came from even though I got it when I wasn’t even old enough to walk.

When you have a mind like that, you have to realize, everything has a lasting effect on you. Everything. Some things have more or less of an effect than others but it’s all there… all the time.

I’d like to tell you about the one thing that sticks out the most in my mind. It wasn’t from my toddler years. It was from my teen years… you know, those rebellious, often depressing, very overwhelming years.

The back story

My mother was what you would probably call “the problem child.” When your mother tells you that they’ve done it all, that there isn’t anything you could do that they hadn’t already done… well, in my mother’s case, it’s probably more true than for most.

She went on to become a paramedic and then a nurse and now works for the city in a government job… she’s done quite well for herself despite what may have been a “troubled” youth.

I remember

When I was a teenager and friends (and not friends) were drinking or even doing drugs…. I was a rather depressed kid. I didn’t do any of that stuff and had no interest in it. However, that didn’t stop friends from trying to convince me to “lighten up.”

What my mother told me, which might not be what most mothers would say, really stuck with me. I’m going to paraphrase it but this is the general idea:

I’m not saying you should try those things but I’m not going to tell you not to either. You’re a very smart boy. I’ve done just about everything that you could do so I know that you’d be alright if you did too. If you really want to try things, I won’t stop you. Just be safe and know I’m always here if you need me.

Ok, I paraphrased a lot.. it was a good talk and it wouldn’t make sense if I told you exactly how it went without context. But I think you get the idea.

Freedom to fail

What my mother gave me was the freedom to fail… at the time, I thought “How strange. Why would a mother tell her son to go ahead and do stuff that he could get addicted to and then… who knows what would happen?”

It wasn’t until years later that I realized that the freedom to fail is the exact the same thing as the freedom to live.

We all know that telling a teenager not to do something is the same thing as pushing them to do it. It’s not until you are given a choice that could shape the rest of your life that you realize a few things:

  1. You are in charge of your destiny. You’ve had control all along… it’s just been pointed out to you.
  2. Others have failed before you. You can follow to gain the same experiences or learn from theirs. It’s your choice and if you’re smart about it, you will gain valuable experiences either way.
  3. You are your own person. You are going to have to make up your mind on your own.
  4. You can only help guide, you can not control. That includes your own children. If your intentions have been good and you’ve done your best, have faith in their decisions.

My mom did have faith in me, even when I did not. Faith that I’d do just fine no matter what decision I made. That’s because she had gotten me to that point where she knew I’d be alright no matter what decision I made.

And in giving me that choice, made a huge impact on who I am today. I see my own children in a way that I know is very different than I would have if I had never had that talk with my mother. I’m not sure if it would be better or worse exactly, just different.

Children of my own

As you know, I have one child with Autism and one without. Would I have the strength, patience and understanding that I have now without my mother having faith in me that day? Possibly, it may have been a little different though.

Autism is one of those things that makes your parenting experience unlike anyone elses. Parenting in general is hard enough but when milestones are missed and all the other challenges that come with Autism, you find that you need to be so much more than the parent that everyone else told you that you’d have to be. It’s so much harder, so much more challenging.

For me though, it’s ok. I learned a long time ago that I have the freedom to fail. Not to fail my children, but to not have the answers. To not be able to be strong every single day of a year’s worth of sleepness nights. To get angry when other parents judge me because my son has a meltdown in public.

It’s not a thicker skin that I’ve developed… it’s that I have a decision, I’ve made a decision. That no matter which decision I make, it’ll be alright. That’s the freedom to fail… that’s the freedom to live.

The world still scares me and I still want to protect my children but I now know that they will be fine. When the time comes, when they are uncertain of themselves… I’ll have faith in them. I know they’ll make the right choice.

The Lesson

She didn’t say it, but she taught me the most valuable lesson I have learned in my entire life, simply by giving me the choice:

  1. I make my own decisions
  2. She has faith in me
  3. If I’m smart, it’ll work out alright no matter what I decide
  4. The freedom to fail is the freedom to live

Love you mom. Happy Mother’s Day!

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How Mario taught me just how much help to give to my children

By on May 6, 2011 in Autism, Parenting

There are a lot of different parenting styles out there to match a lot of different types of parents. One of the biggest and most obvious differences we see in each other is how much we try to “help” our children.

HelpI put that in quotes because we do all try to help (there are some parents that don’t but that’s another matter). However, some of us don’t do enough and some of us do too much… both of which probably isn’t really helping at all.

If you never help your child, you’re teaching them to be independent but you’re also teaching them they that they can’t depend on you at all. If you help them with everything, you’re teaching them to be dependent for life and never be able to fend for themselves.

There needs to be a healthy balance and I think I’ve found it… in video games.

Mario Dad to the rescue

I’ve posted several times about how my son loves Mario and even how it’s been quite beneficial in his development. It wasn’t until recently that I realized another way in which these games help him… and it’s then that it dawned on me how I can best help him.

In my house, my wife is almost as much of a Mario fan as Cameron is… I’m a fan too but I prefer the much more difficult games, I like the challenge.

As such, when my son gets to a level or a boss that has him stumped, he immediately asks for help. If my wife is unable to help, they call on me and I pick up the controller, beat it and go back to what I was doing.

As I said, it got me to thinking about helping our children in general.

Helping – In the game

The game is a challenge, it’s difficult. Most of it he can manage on his own, he can figure it out. He learns problem solving skills as well as hand-eye coordination.

When it gets too hard, he tries several times but fails. I join him, watch him try and then try it myself.

If it’s a level thing, I do the hard part and promptly give him the controller back to finish the rest of the level himself. If it’s a boss, I just beat the boss and let him collect the reward and move on.

He watches me… 9 times out of 10, this helps him to return to that level or boss and beat it himself next time.

Helping – In real life

Life gets pretty hard sometimes… it’s all relative. For a 5 year old, having to finish all your veggies before you get ice cream is about the equivalent to me having to finish the dishes before I get to watch a movie.

Anyway, sometimes a child (even our adult children) get to a spot in their lives where they’ve tried but are unable to move forward.

He tries several times and fails, I see what he’s trying to accomplish and then I do it for him. Keep in mind, if it’s an issue, just like a game level, I help him overcome the task and give him back the controller to finish the rest.

I give him the exact amount of help necessary to over come the obstacle, making sure he understands what happened so that, should he encounter it again, he can over come it himself, and then I go back to what I was doing before.

Helping – Just the right amount

Your children are going to learn all about failure. Failing is a part of life. You can’t just let them fail at everything they do so that they become stronger but you also can’t protect them from failure for ever either.

Also, if you want your children to help people later in life, you’re going to have to show them how to help. And your children do learn it.

If you do it all for them, the only thing they’ve learned is to keep asking for help… in everything they do.

Not all of us are video game players, but we all have the capacity to help out… thinking about it in terms of those Mario games helped me to strategize and put into practice the way that I can help my children in all things.

Obviously, not all situations will be that simple but I think it makes for a good base for how I approach most situations where my boys need my help.

Do you try to balance how much you help? Do you know parents that over or under do it?

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Quantifying Friendship

By on March 28, 2011 in Autism, Parenting

I pick up my younger daughter and her classmate from their school each afternoon.

We drive to oldest daughter’s school in the next suburb and collect her.

Each afternoon follows a set pattern, pick up two, and drive the same roads, park in the same place. Walk to the others classroom, play the same games, bell rings. Leave with three. Get in car in same order, drive same route, and offer the same snacks.

Three children on the autism spectrum, I try to minimize changes in routine, avoid conflict.

Each afternoon the conversation follows the same route. Topics dictated by the landscape we drive through. Street signs, letter boxes and houses the visual route markers to our verbal dialogue.

We drive out of the first school, the two clamouring for snack. As we approach the T intersection the ‘bad thing about today’ is revealed – a child roaring like a dinosaur, the teacher changing the actions to a song.

As we pass the swimming school the two begin to talk about ‘my best day’, seeing a snail in gardening class, playing a with favourite toy.

While I wait to turn into the other schools car park, both voices in the back seat express concern over what will happen if we park in a different place.   On good days we get our special parking space, on the rare bad day I spend a few minutes reassuring them it is okay to park in a different place.

We walk into the other school, they both bolt for the playground, I follow, we play the same game, the climbing equipment is the boat, and the ground is the sea. I am the shark, squeals of feigned terror as the shark approaches, giggles of delight as they escape the shark.

The bell rings, two sets of hands reach up and cover two sets of ears, two voice exclaim ‘too loud’.

Then the rush of children out the classroom doors, loud joyful noise as they escape the school room again. We wait, oldest daughter is always the last out, organisation is a challenge, easier to wait until her classmates are outside and the room is quiet, and then she can think, remember what needs to be packed to come home.

Finally we are on our way again, three in the car. Slowly we exit the busy car park, all three voices talking about their day, all three demanding that the others be quite and listen.  We turn the corner towards the train tunnel, oldest recounts why she has named it ‘The Echo Tunnel’.

Another corner, as always this corner turns the conversation towards fairies, what attracts fairies, what repels, where to look for them. Every afternoon the conversation follows the same route. Topics dictated by the landscape we drive through. Street signs, letter boxes and houses the visual route markers to our verbal dialogue.

As we approach the duck pond my heart sinks in anticipation, a corner is turned, the yellow sign with Mama Duck and two baby ducks is passed “Excuse me, are we friends?” the question is asked.

Oldest daughter replies “No. You are my sister’s friend.”

Younger sister answers “You mine friend.”

Classmate responds in matter fact voice “oh. Okay then.”

Each day I insert my social story voice into their conversation “It is okay to be friends with more than one person. Your sisters’ friend can be your friend too.”

We drive under another bridge, I’m ignored as always, conversation turns to invitations to come over and play, lets hunt fairies in the garden.  As we pull into classmates drive way I’m besieged by petitions to please can we stay, please can we play.

Weeks turn to months, every afternoon the conversation follows the same route. Topics dictated by the landscape we drive through. Street signs, letter boxes and houses the visual route markers to our verbal dialogue.

Then one day, we approach the duck pond. My heart sinks, the questions is asked “Excuse me, are we friends?”

And there is a pause, I slow down, ears alert at this change.

Youngest daughter answers “You mine friend.”

The two turn to oldest daughter, she has not spoken, she is thinking, I hold myself silent, hoping for change.

“I think we are” she says “You believe fairies and so do I, you have a little sister with autism and so do I… is that enough things to make us friends?”

He listens quietly, seriously and after due thought he responds “I think maybe we need more things.”

We go under the bridge but the conversation does not change. Something new is blooming here on our drive home.

All three are silent, thinking.  “How about ten things, if we have ten things that are the same, would that make us friends?” oldest daughter asks.

“Yes, it would, ten things is good” he answers

And a rising babble of voices explodes as the three work out ten things that are the same.

Every afternoon the conversation still follows the same route. Topics dictated by the landscape we drive through. Street signs, letter boxes and houses the visual route markers to our verbal dialogue.  As we pass the duck pond the same question “Excuse me, are we friends?” But now we have a different answer, a list of ten ways they are the same, ten things to make a friendship.

 

 

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Inside the mind of a child

By on March 19, 2011 in Parenting

I often hear people saying that they wish they could be 5 again, when their biggest concerns were which colour M&M’s to eat first… or not being able to play outside because it’s raining.

Yes, life certainly doesn’t get any easier when you become an adult but that’s no reason to dismiss their concerns as unimportant. It is all a matter of relativity… the biggest concern in your world is just as important to you as the biggest concern in someone else’s world… even though hey might not measure up to an outside observer.

Allow me to put it another way… what is happening inside the mind of a 5 year old is not just as real as what’s happening in your head, it could be more so and thus, an even greater concern.

You and I are limited by the bounds of reality… that is to say, we know the rules, we know what will and won’t happen as we face each situation. To a 5 year old, their imagination is the limit and there is no limit to a 5 year old’s imagination.

Let me give you an example from just a few hours ago, when my son woke up at 5:30am.

I was awoken by the sound of foot steps but not regular foot steps… tip toe steps. Yes, I’m a light sleeper when it comes to my boys. I heard a few steps and then it was gone. At this point I had to wonder if I heard it at all, if he had just stopped in the hallway, if he was just going to the bathroom… it’s a lot to wonder when you just woke up.

A moment later, I heard his little voice coming from the living room. “Hello?? Where is everybody?? Hello!!!! I’m all alone.”

He sat on the couch, in the dark, convinced that he was all alone in the house… that we had all abandoned him.

My first instinct was to say “silly boy, we were just sleeping in the other room, same as every night” but to see how sad he was, he was completely and totally convinced that he was now going to live the rest of his life alone. I don’t know what dream he was having or if it was just some random feeling he got when he awoke but in his mind, it was very very real.

You and I would know to check the other room, you and I would know that something like that just doesn’t happen. To a 5 year old, who’s imagination blurs the lines of reality and has no limits to it’s endless possibilities…. it was far more real than anything that we will likely experience as adults. He was certain, beyond a shadow of doubt, that he was alone.

A child’s mind can create a world of extremely large, very friendly dinosaurs… or it can create a a world of very scary monsters that only come out at bed time. Maybe it’s all in their head and maybe it’s not as scary as tax season is to us but to them, it’s far more real than anything we have to deal with.

Don’t dismiss their concerns as trivial compared to your own. Imagination can be a very powerful thing if not respected.

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