Tag Archives | abuse

We need to stop referring to abuse as bullying and schools need to stop doing nothing about it

By on February 26, 2015 in Bullying

Picture this, if you will, as disturbing as it is: A woman sits in a hospital room with a fractured skull, broken jaw and leaking spinal fluid. Everyone knows who her attacker is but no one is doing anything. No arrests. No charges. The attacker is free to do as he pleases.

Make sense?

Well, the truth is that it wasn’t a woman. It was a 12 year old boy with Aspergers and his attacker was an older boy, in grade 8. Because this happened between kids in school and not adults, instead of being abuse, this is just bullying…. “just bullying”.

Wait, he has a fractured skull. He was almost killed. How is this “just bullying” when, if this was a grown man doing this to a grown woman, it would be abuse? or manslaughter? or attempted murder?

You can read about this in the news, although, it’s not easy to watch: http://www.cbs12.com/news/top-stories/stories/boy-aspergers-syndrome-hospitalized-after-bully-attacks-him-at-school-parents-23752.shtml?wap=0

You’d like to think that this is an isolated incident since we don’t read about this in the news every day but it’s not. This happens ALL. THE. TIME.

Let me break some of this down for you.

  • » 64 per cent of kids had been bullied at school.
  • » 12 per cent were bullied regularly (once or more a week).
  • » 13 per cent bullied other students regularly (once or more a week).
  • » 72 per cent observed bullying at school at least once in a while.
  • » 40 per cent tried to intervene.
  • » 64 per cent considered bullying a normal part of school life.
  • » 20-50 per cent said bullying can be a good thing (makes people tougher, is a good way to solve problems, etc.).
  • » 25-33 per cent said bullying is sometimes OK and/or that it is OK to pick on losers.
  • » 61-80 per cent said bullies are often popular and enjoy high status among their peers.

(Source: Centre For Youth Social Development, UBC Faculty of Education)

The core problem here is that bullying is very rarely, if ever, witnessed by a teacher. This means that even as a child is lying in a hospital bed, the only real ‘evidence’ anyone has to go on is a bully’s story versus a victim’s story. The school board “business heads” send a mandate down to the schools telling them that they can do nothing. They can’t make any statements, they can’t hand out any punishments. The most they can do is “investigate” which is to say, ask around and see if anyone else saw anything but none of that circumstantial hear-say really holds any weight either way anyway.

And so this becomes school yard bullying. A “normal part of school life” where both victims and the parents of the victims are powerless to stop or prevent it.

This is very similar to another phenomenon happening within hospitals around the world where doctors are having their hands tied while their administrators are forced to make decisions based on funding and stature. For example, several times in the past we’ve seen doctors refuse to do life saving procedures on good people with special needs based solely on the fact that they do have special needs and therefore, do not merit having their life saved versus someone else that might need the same procedure and does not have “anything wrong with them.”

Don’t believe that happens? I’ve written about it before.

A teacher that does nothing to stop bullying because of the rules from their administrators is in the exact same position as a doctor that does nothing to help save someone’s life because of their administrators. I don’t blame them… sort of.

Still though, I’m reminded of something that John Stuart Mill once said:

“Bad men need nothing more to compass their ends, than that good men should look on and do nothing.“

I sit and watch as parent after parent on social media cries out for justice, that the bully be charged, expelled or much much worse. (“if it was my child that he did that too…“)
But nothing is done. Nothing will be done. Schools will continue to sit on their hands, unable to make statements, unable to stop it.

To the teachers, counsellors, principals and everyone else involved at the school level, please help us.

I get it. The administrators sitting at the top, they won’t let you do anything. But I’m calling on you to do something anyway.
This has to stop. Now.
And the schools are holding all the cards to do that.

Until the schools all step up to do something more than assemblies or “anti-bullying awareness campaigns”, this will continue to get worse and worse.

Maybe the school board tells you no. Maybe you will get fired for it.
But do something anyway. Because the next child to fall victim might be yours.

If the person that did the bullying is not to be blamed, then surely those that stood around and did nothing about it are.

When it’s a man and a woman and even when it’s a man and another man, this is abuse. But when it’s two children, it’s bullying.
We must stop looking at this way. Abuse is abuse. A human life is a human life. Let’s stop trying to make it sound like it’s not important just because it’s between children.

If a teacher can’t get away with breaking the skull of another teacher without consequences then a student should not be able to do it to another student.

Stop saying “just bullying” and let’s call it what it is. Abuse.
And let’s start treating it as such.

 

For more heart breaking statistics and information, please visit http://www.stopabully.ca/bullying-statistics.html

Einstein Quote

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In search of monsters

By on September 5, 2014 in Autism

So the autism community is up in arms once again, divided down the middle and taking shots at one another. Kellie Stapleton faced a judge one year to the day that she tried to kill herself and her daughter Issy and plead “not guilty” to first-degree child abuse.

The earthquake was felt through out the entire autism community.

Finding Monsters

Like a Disney movie, when a tragedy falls upon the land, your first instinct is to identify the monster. Who is the evil villain this time?

Many people point to the obvious, Kelli Stapleton. The one who tried to take 2 lives, one that was not hers to decide to take. People petitioned for the maximum penalties, some petitioned to have it declared a “hate crime” in order to increase those maximum penalties.  Most people just voiced their opinions on social media.

Meanwhile others pointed to yet another monster, the causes leading up to Stapleton’s actions. Lack of services, lack of support, lack of aide, lack of funding… all the ways in which the systems failed Stapleton and pushed her to commit such terrible acts.

I think it’s fair to say that Ms. Stapelton definitely was a monster. Was she a monster before that day? Is she still a monster after? I don’t know. Was she a monster in that moment? Yes, yes she was. Or I should say, I believe she was. I don’t doubt that she may even agree with that.

Is it fair to say that all those systems that were supposed to help but didn’t are also monsters? Well, they didn’t commit any crimes and, in fact, I’m sure they did their best with what they had. But still, there can be monsters buried in good intentions. A good person refusing to do a good thing is it’s own very special kind of monster.

But there is more to consider than that. There are more monsters in the closet.

The abuse – Being beaten is traumatic. Whether it’s from a stranger, a loved one, intention, unintentional… there is no good way to hurt so bad that you end up in the hospital. This takes a toll on you. Does this make Issy (her daughter) the monster? No, clearly not. She had no self control. But the abuse… the action itself… the constant pain and fear and stress… that is a monster that many people can not live with.

Those who refuse to address the lack of services – These people are so deeply ingrained in the train of thought that Ms. Stapleton is the monster that they refuse to even consider any other monsters. That there was something clearly wrong with her it didn’t matter if she had received services or wasn’t abused or had a much simpler life.

Those who refuse to hold Stapleton accountable – I have not yet met a person that condones what she did but I have met a great many who think that the courts should go easy on her. In fact, that was the basis of her plea was that she had basically been abused and let down and stressed so bad that she was clinically insane when she committed those terrible acts. Many people agree with this and in so doing, feel that her punishment should not be as severe as it would be otherwise.

Not the right question

As The Doctor would say, you’re not asking the right question. The monster isn’t what is important here. Being able to point and say “there’s your monster!!!” changes absolutely nothing.

No, the real question is, how do we prevent this from happening again? ever!

Minority Report – Let’s say we could analyze people’s lives and maybe even be psychic for a day, would it be fair to identify people that have the ability to do such a thing? To find the monsters before they can be monsters? Even if it was fair, could we? Is there such a method that can recognize what a person will do after having a complete mental breakdown? Is there some method to identify the likely ways in which people will handle going from sane to insane in an instant due to PTSD?  I bet even if psychics were real, even they wouldn’t be able to know that.

Precedent – To be honest, I am kind of just making this one up as I see absolutely no other reason to call her a monster, label what she did a hate crime and then lock her away forever. I just don’t see the point of this except to maybe set a precedent such that if anyone else does this, they’d get the same treatment. While this sort of approach might stop a sane, understanding and logically thinking individual, I don’t see it having much of an impact on someone that snaps so completely that they try to kill their own child out of love. I mean, if she had known that the last mom that tried this was locked away forever, would it really have stopped her from trying?

Support – This seems the most logical and while I say “simple”, I know that it truly is anything but. Funding must increase, accommodations must be made. A person can not continue to take the beatings and the disappointments and the rejections for years and years and years all without ever getting any help from the people that keep saying “maybe next time.”

Monster Prevention

I am not professionally capable of determining whether or not Ms. Stapleton is or is not a monster or was or wasn’t a monster. I’m not professionally capable of fixing the insufficient funding nor service/support system deficiencies around the world. I am also not professionally capable of even guessing much less making any attempts to dictate how the law is going to proceed with all of this.

I feel that it’s very important to make you aware of this fact but even more so, myself. And those of you who make statements in social media or in comments or in blogs as if you were professionally capable of doing these things really should take a moment to make yourself aware of these facts as well. You’re not.

What I do know, however, is that whether anyone is ever convinced that they’re looking for monsters in the right places or the wrong places, the real questions we need to be focusing on, the real place we need to start looking for answers is… monster prevention.

How do we stop this from happening? How do we recognize the signs that this could happen? How do we stop it if it is in the process of happening? How do we not only save lives but make it so that those lives never need saving?

These are the questions that need answering. These are far more important things to know than who is or isn’t a monster.

I will leave you with one final thought… to anyone who doesn’t want to discuss these questions or find these answers, anyone that silences or censors others, anyone who wants revenge rather than justice, anyone that wants satisfaction rather than redemption, anyone that is attempting to shut down others who actively seek out ways to stop these tragedies from happening in the future… mirrors are a good place to find monsters.

Monsters in your head

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Parents are now forcing their children a bleach enema to “cure” their autism

By on May 31, 2012 in Autism

In a mystifying case of “What the hell is going on?!?!?”, some parents are now taking to bleach as a cure… forcing their children to have a bleach enema to clean the autism out of their system.

I’m not the best at getting into the nitty gritty details and besides, these two sources handle it far better than I can. So if you have the stomach for it, check out these links and read about MMS or “Miracle Mineral Solution”:

Bleaching away what ails you
MMS, or how to cure autism with bleach. Brought to you by AutismOne

Please be sure you read those, or at least, some of those articles, before proceeding.

bleachSo very wrong

How in the world can a person go from “trace amounts of toxins in vaccines, too small to see, are harming our children” to “here honey, let’s put this stuff in you that CAN KILL YOU!”?

I just can’t fathom this way of thinking. I mean, how desperate can a person be to forcefully make their child sick? I mean, there’s a good risk of outright killing the child and yet this is somehow worth curing autism?

How badly must a person hate their child that they force them to drink bleach?

Please please please PLEASE don’t ever have bleach anywhere near your child! It doesn’t matter who tells you try it… just don’t!

Abuse is abuse

A recent news article surfaced in which two people kept their two children in a caged room, without clothing or anything, for up to 16 hours a day.. and they were charged for it. They were found not guilty in the end, but a LOT of people felt that it was abuse.

There are many more cases like this, such as a school that placed a boy in a box for several hours because he was pacing and not listening to his teacher.

People scream “This is cruelty!! This is abuse!!”

Then, some of these people turn around and give their child a bleach enema??

I just don’t get it because to me, forcing this bleach thing is far worse than putting them in a cage. It’s much more a form of abuse since it does them physical harm (not to diminish the effects of psychological harm done by imprisonment).

I just don’t get it

Anyway, I just don’t get how a parent can get mad at doctors for putting harmful substances into their child and then put something so very obviously dangerous into their child themselves.

I also don’t get how a parent can hate the hurtful things that others do to their children and then turn around and force bleach into their child, something that can kill them.

I also don’t get how this is legal. I don’t get how these people aren’t being arrested for this. Is it because a doctor told them to do it? Does that make it ok?

Because I don’t think it does. I don’t think it matters who tells you to do it, putting bleach into a child is wrong.

If I saw a parent doing that to their child, I’d call child services on them immediately and demand that the child be removed from their care.

I’d also be phoning the police.

I don’t care what doctor told them it’s ok to do it.

That’s just how I am.

I just don’t get it.

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When the care givers are the ones bullying our children

By on May 4, 2012 in Autism

I would like to start this post stating that there’s a growing trend but it’s much likely that this is a much longer lasting trend than most of us think it is… it’s just that we’re becoming increasingly aware of it. Thanks to better recording devices and such, people are getting caught. And thank God for that.

What I’m talking about is when we trust other people to care for our children… to make them feel safe, secure and comfortable…. and those people betray that trust and become the bullies that we were hoping our children would be protected from.

Bullying and Autism

To anyone with autism or that has a child with autism, it’s never been a secret that autistics get bullied more than most other children. Recently, some researchers crunched some numbers and confirmed what we’ve always known.

The shocking part is when we discover that it’s not just the other children doing the bullying.

Grown ups… adults… trained people that are being paid… paid with your tax dollars… adults that supposedly became the person they are today because they loved working with children…. adults… the ones that look you in the eye and tell you that they will take great care of your child…

They’re not adults… they’re monsters.

bully teacherUnder the bed or in the closet, not at school

Children are supposed to be afraid to look where they think monsters might be. They’re not supposed to be afraid to go to where they know a monster actually is.

You see, children don’t see other children bullies as monsters… they see them as meanies or bullies. They’re just kids. They’re just mean. And it hurts and it really sucks. No one likes to be victimized by their peers.

But it’s a whole other level of victimization when it comes from a person of authority… a grown up that is supposed to be keeping them safe. They’re not just mean, they’re not just a bully. They’re the real monsters.

Most kids move on from school and put the bullying behind them. It still hurts to remember but it’s behind them.

But it’s so very much harder to do that when it’s the teachers that did it. That kind of thing scars you for life. You never let that go.

The worst part is… these adults know that. They’re in that position, so they know. They took the courses, they’ve dealt with children long enough… they’re not unaware of the effect they’re having. They’re not oblivious to how smart kids really are, just how much they take in.

People that create bold face lies to parents, that verbally or physically assault a child… they are criminals.

That’s not even the worst part

What really gets me sick is how much the education system is quickly becoming just like the political or religious systems. When these things happen, neither the police nor the media, and certainly not the parents, can get any information out of the school. It becomes an “internal matter” and they just quietly go about their business, giving no information to anyone.

Later you find out that the person that abused the child was simply reassigned, or given leave with pay or… if they are fired.. they’re fired with a nice severance and likely rehired elsewhere to care (or not as the case may be) for other children.

But wait, I’m getting ahead of myself… there’s a reason that much of this goes unchecked in the first place.

See, children are very unlikely to ever say anything. I mean, think about it… you’re a little one at school, who believes completely that the grown up that is in charge is actually allowed to do everything they do… and worse, if you do say anything… they could do much worse than they already have.

How do you speak up to that?

It gets even worse if your child has autism because then there’s next to zero chance that they will tell anyone.

See, in the mind of some people, that makes it “the perfect crime”… they can do and say anything they want because they’ll never get caught.

They also don’t much care what effect it will have, if any, on the child for the rest of their lives. Because they are likely not thinking about anyone but themselves.. they certainly aren’t thinking of the child’s future.

But they know. They know full well what effect it will have. They’re just not thinking about it.

This is what makes them a monster. This is what makes this truly despicable. This is what makes them less than human.

And they’ll do it again… where ever they get reassigned to or rehired with… because it’s an internal matter that the school will handle. Right?

Disgusting is what it is.

Now that you’ve read all of this, I’d like to show you the latest two cases in the news… which are what prompted this post…

First is Stuart Chaifetz’s video where he reveals what he had recorded one day when he was forced to put a recording device on his child. His child was acting quite contrary to his personality and he was getting no answers, so he did what he had to do to find out the truth.

Second is another story is taken from video cameras on board a school bus where aides were supposed to be helping a child put on his safety harness but instead, began smacking him on the head.

http://www.carolinalive.com/news/story.aspx?id=748629#.T6B_EfXUkjs

I am quite happy to report that on this latest story, the aides have been let go, without pay and will be on trial to answer for these crimes.

So what do we do?

Well, many parents refuse to take the risk and choose to home school their children…  and I can’t blame them. If it did happen to their children, they’d likely never know, or at least not for a long time… too long. There really is no way to be sure before hand. It could happen to anyone anywhere and finding out after the fact means the damage has already been done.

Still though, much like plane crashes… even though they do happen, when you take into account how many planes are travelling at any given time… the crashes happen so rarely that airplane travel is still the safest way to travel.

The same can be said for child care, teachers and teachers aides… yes, this disgusting behavior is happening out there… and we’re finding out about it more and more… but it’s still rare.

Still though, even if it’s only happening with 1 in 5,000,000 teachers/aides/care providers…. is it worth that risk?

Is better screening the answer? Well, I don’t know since I’d wager that these people probably really were happy to work with children in the beginning. Years can change a person. So maybe they’d be the best of candidates one year… while not the best choice the next.

Better monitoring systems? That’s probably what I would suggest most but doing so is very costly and takes away from the money available to be doing the actual learning and caring for the children. Still though, it does seem to be becoming more and more of a necessity.

Is home schooling the answer? Well, home schooling does have it’s pros and cons, but if you’re keeping your child home because of the risk of a bad teacher… where does it end? Keep them off the sidewalks for the risk of bad drives? Keep them out of planes for fear of crashes or terrorists? Keep them out of corner stores and banks for fear of robberies?

Sheltering is an option so long as it’s not taken too far, I guess.

I don’t know what the answer is.

All I do know is that by law of averages, the more teachers/aides/care givers there are… the more likely there is to be a bad egg in the bunch. And those laws of averages get heavily swayed when a lack of funding is involved in the equation.

The average is again greatly swayed when there are more and more children that need those teachers/aides/care givers.

The numbers keep going up, the demand keeps going up, the quality…. well, there’s only so many great teachers out there.

Think of it this way… if you can have 20 teachers in the country, you’ll pick the 20 best.

But if you have to have 10,000,000 teachers…. then you’ll have to pick the 10,000,000 best. And the 9,999,999th best teacher is… well, not the best.

So what do we do? Population control isout of the question, not to mention a bit late if it ever was…

I just don’t know. How do we stop this from happening? How to we keep our children safe from the people that are supposed to be keeping our children safe?

The only thing I know for sure is that there needs to be more accountability. Like those aides on the bus facing trial and not getting paid right now… we need more of that.

No more sheltering or handling things internally or shuffling the deck…. people need to be held accountable. A criminal is a criminal whether they are a politician, religious leader or a part of the education system.

Enough of this.

No more “system” except the justice system.

It’s the only one that matters.

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