Tag Archives | acceptance

Acceptance is the greatest gift you can give a child with autism

By on September 6, 2011 in Autism

It’s a scary thought, it truly is, but there are parents out there, far too many really, that simply can not accept that their child has Autism.

Either they’re in denial and refuse to believe the doctors, or they refuse to believe that their isn’t a cure to make their child how they want their child to be… or they just refuse to accept that their child is different… I feel so very bad for those children.

If you can’t accept me, who will?

A child’s only wish is to make their parents proud. To receive praise for those first steps, to get a treat for remembering to tidy up, for getting a shiny new bike for doing well in school… but when your parents see you as broken, defective…. less than you should be… what message does that send to a child?

Children grow up to be self confident because their parents instill that strong self worth in them. Children learn to be happy with themselves because their parents believe, through and through, that their child is wonderful exactly how they are.

Whether a parent tries to fake it or not is irrelevant because a child that can not be accepted by their parents will always feel they’re not wonderful, they’re not worthy of acceptance… that no one will ever like them for who they are.

Acceptance is not giving up

The biggest misconception is that accepting your child for who they are is the same thing as giving up and doing nothing to help them. That’s the furthest thing from the truth.

Only when you accept your child’s disorder can you begin to move forward in truly helping your child overcome, excel and maybe even turn that disorder into an advantage.

Many people who refuse to accept that their child has Autism will also refuse to start therapy, treatments and such… losing valuable time, if they ever do come around to accepting it all.

Also, acceptance in finally believing that your child is who they are, how they are and that they are simply always going to be different can help you to adjust your strategies and methods in that you recognize the need to incorporate your child’s wishes, behaviors, activities and “quirks” into the therapies/treatments that you’re trying to use.

Until you stop forcing change on your child and rather, accept the differences and work with your child’s differences, you will keep hitting road block after road block.

Therapy isn’t meant to make it so that your child is no longer autistic, it’s to help your child succeed with Autism, not despite it.

Acceptance leads to self respect, self confidence, self reliance

self acceptanceA child without his or her parent’s acceptance will grow up with self doubt, no self value and will always feel like they don’t belong… like they’re broken.

With acceptance though, a child can grow up to feel that they are respected and have real value to themselves and others. With confidence, children will feel more bold, more brave and more willing to take the steps necessary to becoming independent.

If you look at your child like they’re broken… they may never learn to brush their teeth. But if you love them for who they are (yes, including the fact that they have Autism) and begin to work with your child, with the Autism, you will find a way to have them brushing their teeth and you’ll find that way together, because you’ll work together to do it.

Acceptance is such a powerful thing… it’s far more than just believing the diagnosis… it’s empowering, it’s life skill building, it’s a source of pride, it’s a confidence booster, it’s enlightening….

Acceptance is not giving up. Acceptance is not saying something you don’t really believe.

Acceptance is a place. It’s a moment in time. It’s a destination that will set you on an entirely new path, a beautiful path. It’s the end of negativity and the beginning of limitless possibilities.

Acceptance is the door that you need to open… step through and close behind you.

Move forward with your child, not against your child.

Your child can be perfect. All you have to do is believe it. Because they are.

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Does person first language indicate a lack of acceptance?

By on September 2, 2011 in Autism

I really had thought that I was done with the topic of “person first language”. I really had thought that I had said all that I had to say. But then last night, someone said something to me that brought me right back into it.

I tweeted this “People with Autism are not damaged nor defective. With your understanding, acceptance & guidance, their potential is unlimited.”

This prompted one parent to respond in agreement but also added in this: “my son is not autistic he has autism”

For some reason, this response kept me awake last night.

Do you truly accept your child?

I’ve never been met with person first language in agreement to understanding and acceptance of a child with Autism… somehow, it just really struck me as odd, like it was contradictory in some way.

All I kept thinking was, if you truly understand your child has Autism, if you truly accept that your child has Autism… you’d have no problem with saying that they are autistic.

What is acceptance?

acceptanceAcceptance is a funny thing, because it tends to mean different things to different people, or have different meanings in different situations.

For example, when my son was diagnosed with Autism, it took a little while for me to fully accept that diagnosis. I had to accept that he had a disorder, something that I couldn’t fix.

It wasn’t until much later that I had to accept that he had Autism. While it sounds like I had to accept the same thing twice, it’s very different.

I accepted the diagnosis the first time, but then later I had to accept the fact of life, the fact that his life was going to be different, that I’d have to parent him differently, that there would be very different struggles for me compared to other parents I know and more so, to accept that my child was going to be different.

I had to accept that Autism was a part of who he is. I had to accept.. that he was autistic.

While some people think they have accepted the same thing I have, they may actually be referring to one instance of acceptance while I am referring to another, even though we may both think we’re talking about the same thing.

The funny thing about perception

It occurred to me that when a person pushes “person first language” on others, it’s because they do not fully accept their child. Well, more to the point, they don’t accept the Autism that is within them. To them, the person and the Autism will always be two separate things. That the person can’t be autistic because that would be accepting that Autism is a part of who they are.

So I asked myself why that is… which lead me to think of it another way.

What if that person had natural born artistic ability. Would that parent refer to their child as “a child with art” rather than an artist?
What if that child had a natural born aptitude for math? Would the parent refer to their child as “a child with math skills” or a mathematician?
What if the child had a natural born ability to play music? Would the parent refer to the child as “a child with musical ability” or a musician?

Then it dawned on me… it’s because the parent would accept those skills… those “gifts”. Those are all clearly good things. There is no negative implications what so ever in regards to having those things be a part of who those children are.

But with Autism, there is a negative. There is a down side.

Nonetheless, Autism is still just as much a part of who that child is much like the art, math or music… in fact, I’d argue that Autism is more a part of who they are. Autism affects every aspect of a person’s life since, in reality, it affects all aspects of a person’s input, output and interpretation of the world around them.

But it’s often negative. It’s not often thought of as a gift.

And so, it’s not as easily accepted. It’s not as easily made into an adjective… like musician is.

We don’t see a child and his musical ability as being separate, even though playing music is just an ability.

Meanwhile we do see Autism as being a separate entity, as not being a part of them, because it’s a disorder. While in reality, this makes it more a part of who they are than any one ability does.

What about those with Autism that use person first language?

There are some people with Autism that use person first language because they hate how Autism has affected their life. They hate how difficult it has made things that every other person takes for granted. They hate how Autism has made them feel like an alien on their own planet.

I can understand that, I can sympathize. Still though, I think I could also argue that we have all felt that way at some point. Not to the same degree and not all of our lives, but at some point. Most likely when we were awkward, rebellious teenagers.

Anyway, the point is, while I can understand that feeling and the need to reject the cause of such heartache and struggles, I would also argue that at some point, that person could come to terms with their weaknesses, empower their strengths and move forward if they learn to love who they are, learn to love their unique perspectives and talents and learn to love every bit of themselves… including the Autism.

Many people hate who they are, this is especially true in autistics, but sometimes it only takes the right person, the right moment, the right miracle to cross your path to show you what there is to love about yourself.

I think that if that happens… when that happens… even a person with Autism can come to accept, and love, being autistic.

Does that mean that people shouldn’t use person first language?

Person first language does have it’s place. And of course, I understand a parent’s need to believe that their child is their child… not a label, not a diagnosis.

I also understand that acceptance is far more complicated than simple terminology.

While person first language will never go away, and is not always black and white, and does have it’s place (such as in legal documentation, schools, governments, etc)… I do still believe that it can be a very clear indicator about a person’s level of acceptance of that person.

While not a guarantee, because some parents truly do accept their child through and through, Autism and all… and still prefer to use person first language… I do feel that in most cases, it does show where they are on their path to true acceptance.

I would ask of those parents; if your child, at some point, shows a sudden aptitude for music, and it’s due to their Autism… would you refer to them as a musician? An autistic? or both?

Think about this…  have you ever noticed that no one has any problem with the term “Autistic Savant”?

Have you ever heard anyone insist on “Savant with Autism”?

When it’s a good thing, no one has a problem with it.

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How many beautiful lives will go unlived due to Autism studies?

By on August 17, 2011 in Autism

The latest Autism Study of the Month is about the likelihood of a younger sibling having Autism when there is already a child in the family with Autism.

I had already discussed how important it is to make family decisions with your heart, not your fears… and how there is always some risk no matter what, even for your first child.

But seeing Google News explode with story after story about it… approx 700 at the time of this writing… I have a new concern.

No FearSpreading Information or Paranoia

At 700 articles, I have to wonder just what message it is that is being sent.

Most studies are negative in nature, focusing on what may be increasing the risks of Autism, but in this case, it’s outright telling people that their next born child will likely be Autistic.

With headlines such as “Parents with one autistic child more likely to have another”, is it really any wonder what the message is?

These studies are important because it brings experts a little step closer to finding real answers but in the general public and in the media, it’s a tool for fear and paranoia.

How many parents will these 700 articles reach?
How many of those parents will make a conscious decision to not have another child based on this study?
How many parents will have their family forever impacted by fear?

The Result of Fear

So you’ve decided to cut your family short for fear of having a child with Autism… let’s discuss:

  • The study found an 18.7% chance of having a child with Autism when you already have a child with Autism. That means that you have an 81.3% chance of having a child without Autism.
  • Is the child you already have beautiful? Amazing? Wonderful? Your next child will be as well.
  • If you only have one child, will you be improving that child’s life or robbing them of a loved one that they can love, cherish, grow with, protect and depend on?
  • Would your child have had the potential to be brilliant? A leader? Inspirational? An artist? A parent?

Lost Potential

I’m not trying to tell you that you have to have another child. If you were already debating/discussing it prior to this or other studies, that’s perfectly understandable. My wife and I did the same thing.

But basing these decisions on the fears created by studies in the news saddens me.

I can’t help but think of the lives that will never be lived, due to fear. The people that could have been presidents, doctors, teachers, parents or even, if they did turn out to have Autism, would have been beautiful people regardless of the titles they could or could not obtain.

My child with Autism is wonderful, he’s amazing! Why would I choose to not have another child when I have such a beautiful life growing before my eyes?

Children, all children, with or without Autism, have limitless potential. Even those that are non-verbal can sometimes surprise you. You just never know what can happen.

Let’s Talk Odds

Since we’re discussing odds, let’s look at some other odds for you and your children:

  • Odds of being the victim of serious crime in your lifetime: 20 to 1
  • Odds of having your identity stolen: 200 to 1
  • Odds of dating a millionaire: 215 to 1
  • Odds of finding out your child is a genius: 250 to 1
  • Odds of being considered possessed by Satan: 7,000 to 1
  • Odds of becoming a pro athlete: 22,000 to 1
  • Odds of winning an Academy Award: 11,500 to 1
  • Odds of becoming president: 10,000,000 to 1

These are some great reasons to be living in fear, to be living a goal, to be optimistic, to be pessimistic and simply… to be alive.

You can’t beat the odds every time, you won’t be a victim of the odds every time either.

The point is to live your life, to enjoy your life and to do with your life what you can while you can.

Don’t snuff out the potential of your children before they ever even have the opportunity to be conceived.

If you want another child, if you want to fill your family, if you want our child to have a younger sibling… do it.

Do not replace potential with fear.

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The risks associated with having another child

By on August 15, 2011 in Autism

Why did I leave Autism out of the title?

Well, that’s because there are far more risks to every childbirth than just Autism. There’s the chance of a still birth, cancer, down syndrome and a whole host of other disorders, illnesses, ailments and can have a child growing up in a hospital somewhere. In some cases, a death sentence. Some children are born with cancer that kills them 2 or 3 years after birth.

What a harsh way to start a blog post right? I know. But I think that sometimes we Autism parents can forget the realities of our situation… there are people out there who have it so much worse.

The reason for this post is that many people have concern over recent findings in a study that I covered earlier today on this blog: Autism Study of The Month: Recurrence Risk for Autism Spectrum Disorders: A Baby Siblings Research Consortium Study

riskThe risks of any younger sibling

That being said, that there are a large number of risks, you have to realize that any and all of those birth risks are possible in all births. That means, the first child you have has a risk.

Knowing that, any child you have afterwards has an increased risk.

How do I know that?

Well, if there’s a 10% risk of a disorder at childbirth… then having 2 children means you have a 10% chance and a 10% chance.. a 20% chance.

That’s actually not quite right, satistically but for the argument of this article, it’s close enough.

You essentially double your chances by having a second child because you took the risk twice. That increases every time you have another child.

That’s for anything and everything… not just Autism.

What does it say when you don’t take the risk?

So you don’t want to take the risk of having a second child with Autism? Have you ever asked yourself: “Why is that?”

Let’s not pretend that having children with Autism is not hard and it certainly does cost a lot… we all know that.

But is that the real reason? Or is there something more to it? Let me put it this way: If you did have get pregnant a second time and discovered the child would be born with Autism, would you have an abortion?

Take some time to really think about it… is there some level of denial there? What does this say about your acceptance of your child with Autism?

Conclusion

For me personally, I love my son with Autism, not despite Autism. I think he’s amazing and has taught me a lot more in 6 years than I did in the 30 years prior.

Having a second child with or without Autism just does not seem like a risk to me.

I’ve had a few people on Twitter ask me what I thought of the recent findings… they asked me if I would take the risk or avoid the risk.

My response was this:

Decide whether or not to have another child with your heart, not your fears.

Ask yourself if you love your child. Ask yourself if you love your family. Ask yourself if you want to add another beautiful child to your family. Ask yourself what you heart is telling you.

Weigh the pros and cons, I’m not saying that there are no financial responsbilities or unforeseen risks that may arise but be aware that those finances and risks are always there, regardless of siblings or studies.

If no one had children for fear of the risks.. there would be no children.

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When Autistics Write About Autism

By on August 14, 2011 in Autism

There’s a very unfortunate bit of irony happening within the Autism community that is far more disappointing than ironic… we encourage Autistics to speak up and to not be afraid to say what is on their mind but then when they do, we attack them for not saying what we want to hear.

This has happened quite a few times over the years but even more so in the last week as autism.about.com had a series where adults with Autism were asked to submit a piece about themselves and what they stand for.

Repeatedly, these people would put themselves out there only to be met with some scathing comments from people. Several people have written about this as it really does have a big impact on the Autism community… and here’s why:

Autism Introverts

Autism itself is defined as a social and communication impairment which means that speaking out about something probably doesn’t come very easily. We encourage our children as well as all people with Autism to speak up.. especially about Autism.

Only an Autistic can describe what it’s like, how it affects them. We parents can give secondary accounts, how it affects us and how we perceive it affects our children but when it comes to first hand accounts, we need Autistics to break through their shell.

More so than that, we just want people to be who they are. Autistic or not, don’t be afraid to say what you have to say. Being who you are is one thing that only you can do. But many Autistics are either afraid, uncomfortable or just simply not interested in putting themselves out there.

As a result, Autistics make the best Autism Advocates but because of the nature of Autism itself, it also makes them the worst advocates.

arguingDisagreeing is hard to do

In society, not just the Autism community, it’s not uncommon to see people attack others that they disagree with.

On the internet, people don’t have to look you in the eye to say something hurtful. That makes it a lot easier. You don’t have to deal with their unease, their obvious fear, their expressions… you can just say the most hurtful thing you can think of and leave.

This happens far too often and it’s not just limited to hot topics like religion or politics. It happens far too often in the Autism community as well and not just between parents.

I’ve seen Autistics write about themselves, how proud they are of themselves. Often they write about how they advocate on the higher functioning end of the spectrum only to be attacked by parents that have children on the lower functioning end of the spectrum because they didn’t say what they wanted to hear. The parent disagrees so adamantly that they attack the Autistic person because what they say doesn’t mesh with the parent’s experiences.

It happens with many other topics as well… sometimes they get attacked for the most simple things too, seemingly random things. They can just be positive and be attacked for it, or negative and attacked for it. There’s no rhyme or reason. Nothing is safe.

On the surface, it appears that simply stating “I disagree with what you’re saying because” has become impossible to do, instead becoming a verbal attack of some kind on their intelligence, their logic or some other personal aspect of their being.

No Free Pass for Autistics

All of this is not to say that Autistics can just say or do anything they want without judgement. Autistics still have to abide by the same code of ethics, etiquette and behaviors as the rest of us. Autistics can’t just make their own attacks on people or be rude and not expect some backlash.

If we are to be fair and wish for equality in acceptance, then those that behave poorly should expect some anger in response.

Not all situations are uncalled for… in some cases, an Autistic will be rude or do things that are simply unacceptable and the response from the people is not entirely unexpected. Perhaps some would call it over board but certainly not unexpected.

I Am So Disappointed

In most cases, I am simply disappointed. I’m not sure I can put it any other way than disappointed.

Many times people say things I disagree with and most often times, I don’t say anything. If it’s blatantly wrong however, I may speak up but I’m always careful to be respectful. I don’t know those people, I don’t know what drew them to their conclusions.

I respectfully disagree and state what I think and why. It’s always been my experience that this is the proper way of civil discourse.

What I see most of the time, however, is people calling each other idiots (or other derogatory names) and question their intelligence, or upbringing or something along those lines. Usually they state what they think and don’t even provide a reason for it… they just make their attack, their stance and that’s it. Giving people no recourse but to attack back since there’s very little to either understand or make a case against in rebuttle.

It is so very hard to take something you’re passionate about and disagree with someone respectfully. It’s even more difficult to be civil with someone that so strongly contradicts your beliefs.

But it’s not impossible.

Acceptance… We’re Not Ready

I really want for society to be more understanding… I really want for people to be more accepting of the differences in people, especially when Autism is involved.

But I think it is very clear that we’re just not ready…. as a society, we’re simply not there yet.

Until we can put aside our own hatred, our own anger, we can’t expect those that don’t understand Autism to do it.

We encourage Autistics to come out of their shell, to speak up despite their anxiety and fear and then, when they say something we disagree with, we immediately lash out and bully them back into their shell.

We do this to our own community, we do this to our own children… and yet we expect others to be more respectful?

There is something fundamentally wrong and I am so very disappointed by it.

The Autistic Me has a great post about all of this, some others have discussed it on Facebook and Twitter and in response, Lisa from Autism.About.com has since taken down the 2 most recent posts that were written by adults with Autism.

If it was your child

My advice is, when you see a post by a person with Autism, imagine that person is your child. Imagine you’ve encouraged you child for many many years to speak up and to be brave… to not worry about what people say and just share who they are with the world because who they are is beautiful.

If you and everyone could do this, the responses would be vastly different. Even if you disagree, you’d respond with respect.

Disagreements do not need to be charged with anger or hatred. Disagreements can be made without assumptions of the person. Disagreements can be made without attacking the person.

If that was your child that spoke up proudly, you might still disagree but you’d disagree in a very different manner.

If you are an Autism Advocate, then perhaps you should consider that all people with Autism are your children. For we speak for all, not just our own children. And we encourage all, not just our own children.

Don’t be so quick to hate. Don’t be so quick to assume a person’s history or intelligence level just because you disagree with them.

Speaking out is hard. Be proud… even if you disagree. Be respectful, even if you disagree.

If you won’t… how can you expect others will?

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