Tag Archives | anger

I got my first “I hate you” from my son

By on April 8, 2011 in Autism

My son had quite the meltdown yesterday when it came time to turn off his game. It was a combination of losing, his cousin not doing what he wanted and being told it’s time to turn it off. It was just too much… when he broke the game remote and started calling everyone the worst words he could (stupid and dumb are about the harshest words he knows) is when I had enough and gave him a time out in his room.

Don’t make any mistake, this was quite the meltdown and I didn’t get mad… I just removed him from the living room to give him time to cool off. That’s when he yelled back that he hates me.

Now, I tweeted about it shortly afterwards… not that it hurt me, but that I it happened. In my mind, it was as if I had finally joined the club… because most parents have heard this from their children… Autism or not.

Children in general have no filter on the things they say. They don’t know what “pushing it too far” is… they just know they’re mad and they need to express it in the loudest, most hurtful way they can. It’s only in time that they learn (hopefully) how to dial it back, how not to say things that they don’t really mean just because they’re filled with so much emotion.

We as parents can’t take it personally… we all know that it’s simply a reaction and that once they do cool down, all will be back to normal.

However, it can be a bit more extreme when Autism is involved. The yells are louder, the rage is more intense, more things are likely to get broken and in some cases, someone can easily get hurt.

After I tweeted, a lot of parents tried to console me… telling me it’s ok, he still loves me… which I shrugged off. I tweeted it with pride, not pain. I wasn’t proud exactly, wrong word, but as I said, I felt like a part of the club now.

Anyway, upon reflecting on it, I get why they consoled me. As fellow parents of Autistic children, they know just how hard it can be… more so than other parents.

angry boyWhen a toy shatters against the wall or… in this case, a game remote breaks as it’s slammed onto the ground, you can start to feel a little bad as a parent. You start to picture movies where troubled families have troubled kids who break things, become bullies and eventually put on a mask and go around killing people. Yes, I watched the Halloween remakes recently. Anyway, I digress…

More extreme or not, harder or not, our children still love us and I still feel like I’ve just graduated into the next level of the group. I don’t need consoling but I do appreciate the support… so very much so. Because that’s what our community is all about and it’s truly wonderful to know it’s there.

When your child first tells you something hurtful, and they will, you don’t have to share it with pride and you certainly don’t have to share it because you feel hurt.. but share it anyway. It’s a very heart warming feeling when you get that little reminder that there are some truly great people out there that waiting for you in that new group you just joined.

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Something That Upsets Me: When One Autism Parent Tells Another Autism Parent “How It Is”

By on July 3, 2010 in Autism

Now don’t get me wrong here, I’m not talking about people offering support or advice, I mean the ones who outright tell you that you have to put your child on a diet, they tell you that vaccines are what caused your child’s Autism, they tell you that you have to do what they’re doing and they tell you that they are right….  which obviously implies that… you are wrong.

Now, I have my opinions on some things such as the vaccine debate, but I never force that on anyone. I have my opinions on the diet, as the gluten free portion really helps my son but none of the rest of the diets do. We all have opinions! There’s nothing wrong with that.

But please stop trying to tell me or anyone else what you ‘know’ (when what you mean is ‘think’) is true.

First of all, there is no definitive answer to the vaccine debate, no matter how certain you are, the diet does help some, but not all and every single therapy and drug out there that helps one child also does not help another.

Autism is a trial of hit or miss, a life time of “try everything” where you quickly become a researcher, doctor and psychologist all in one despite the fact that all of your degrees are found through hear-say from other parents, the doctors at your family clinic and Google.

Most recently, which is what set this post off, a woman replied to another parent’s question on what to do, with one word: “DIET” and went on about it and included how [she believed] her children were harmed by antibiotics or vaccines, including a little disclaimer: “Pretty sure everyone else’s avenue there is similar (vaccines OR antibiotics).”

This really quite upset me, and I was so tempted to lash out in response but instead, I did reply but simply stated that no.. not everyone is similar.

The fact is, not every parent believes that their child was harmed due to antibiotics nor vaccines. So please, do not speak on my behalf.

While I sat there, tempted to hit the submit button with all my anger and frustrations typed out in a rather emotionally charged response, I thought about why it angered me.

I think that I just come to expect more from people dealing with Autism. It’s true! Think about it, Autism is a spectrum disorder, that means that no two cases are identical. It also means that symptoms, causes and treatments can be and mostly likely are different for most Autistics.

It’s the one thing that all scientists, doctors and hopefully even parents can agree on… my child with Autism is simply not the same as your child with Autism.

So I just sort of expect that other parents would simply speak to each accordingly… that they’d share THEIR experiences and what works with them but never presume to tell anyone it’s what they have to do… that they’d share what THEY think caused it but never presume to tell someone else that it’s their problem too.

It angers me, it really does. I write this blog to share my experiences with my son so that hopefully you see something that inspires you or makes you think “hey, maybe we could try that!” Maybe it’ll help you and your child, maybe not. But I’d never write something saying that you must do what I did or think what I think.

I’m sorry that this isn’t your typical, feel good, type of post from me but I feel I had to let it out, otherwise there would be twitter and/or facebook replies that would start a whole mess of arguments that really didn’t pertain to the situation or help in any way.

So feel free to reply to me here, if you disagree or wish to share. That way we can keep valid questions/support free of needless digression.

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