Tag Archives | children

The one thing I wish I could tell every depressed autistic child

By on May 27, 2015 in Autism

enduranceSince starting Autcraft, I’ve talked to a lot of depressed autistics, mostly children. Many of them were suicidal. This is not something I recommend for most people to ever try. It is a very heavy burden that can weigh heavy on your heart after a while.

I find that this happens a lot for me because I am the ideal candidate for this to happen to. I’m an autistic adult who’s still a kid at heart and once was a depressed autistic kid just like them. To say that I can relate is a massive understatement.

For those of you that watch The Flash, the new television series about the super fast superhero, you’ll totally get what I’m talking about here but if you don’t, don’t worry, I’ll try to explain. In the television show, there is The Flash who can run crazy fast but there’s also another guy, the villain, who they call The Reverse Flash. He runs even faster. The problem is, the good guys don’t know who this Reverse Flash really is until he slips up. In an effort to help The Flash run faster than he’s ever run before, he begins encouraging him by explaining to him how to reach those speeds, how to feel as the speeds take over him, how to handle the experiences he’s now going through. It was then that The Flash, our hero, realized who The Reverse Flash was because only he would know what it was like. Only someone that has shared those experiences could truly understand him.

In my case, these children that come to me to talk to me about their lives because they know who their Reverse Flash is… I can tell them what they’re experiencing, what they’re feeling and hopefully, how to get through it faster. I understand.

When they start to tell me how alone they feel, I can explain exactly what it is they’re feeling in words that they’ve never been able to before. When they say that no one understands them, I not only describe exactly how that feels for me as well but in doing so, I show them that there really is someone that understands them.

So knowing that, I’ve come to realize that there is only one common piece of advice that I give to most people that seems to help… and it’s the one thing that I wish that I could tell all young autistic children everywhere: “there’s an older you that needs you to endure this.”

When I think back to the younger me, I wish so hard that there was some way that I could just go back in time, to myself, just to tell myself, “I know it’s hard. And I know you never believe it when anyone else says it but maybe you’ll believe it from me, from yourself… endure this because it’s worth it.”

We’ve all heard “it gets better” but we all know that a child never believes that. Not when life is that bad. There is no one that can ever convince you of it. That goes double if you’re autistic. I can’t tell you why but if you are autistic, you know it.

But there is a future you, a happy you, a you that makes a difference in the world and is doing alright. And that future you, if they’re anything like me, would love nothing more than to have a chance to talk to you right now just to let you know that it’ll turn out alright, but first you have to endure this. And yes, it will suck. But as there’s a future you wanting to telling you this, you know that you can do it.

There are no time machines but even if there were, there are far too many autistic children that never give themselves the chance to meet their future selves. Perhaps if they could have, they would have seen for themselves that if only they can endure this… it will be worth it.

Comments { 5 }

The most important lesson that I had to teach to the adults just as much as the children

By on September 19, 2014 in Autism

Communication UnderstandingDuring my time running Autcraft, I found myself constantly teaching people things. I taught children how to work together, how to be a friend, how to play the game, how to deal with bullies and so much more. I also found myself teaching adults as well. How to play the game mostly but also how to cope with troubling behaviours, how to extend their patience level and even how to switch a system which focuses on punishments to one that focuses on positive reinforcement.

The biggest thing though, the number one thing that I found myself constantly having to teach, reteach, remind and reinforce over and over and over again was, what I feel, the number one single most determining factor in the success of the server… communication.

When a player (child or adult) did something wrong such as swear, lash out, destroy someone’s property or quite literally anything else, it was my job to talk to them. Communicate.

I needed to find out why they did what they did, what they were thinking in doing it, what they hoped to accomplish and if they understood why it wasn’t ok. I had to explain why it’s not allowed and how it affects others around them. I had to reach an understanding. Communication.

Time and time again though, I’d have to remind the adults on the server of the same thing. The parents, the autistic adults, the SrHelpers and even the other admins. When patience levels would dwindle, when a behaviour became a repetitive situation… the desire to even try and communicate would grow less and less. But it was always crucial. It was always imperative.

Only through understanding the motives, the thought process and the intentions would we truly be able to understand the person and only then could we explain why it was wrong, or misguided or not appropriate.

Nine times out of ten, once we could see from their point of view, we could understand how they came to behave in the way that they did. And when that happens, a mutual respect is achieved. A bond is formed. You get them, they get you and they feel more comfortable with you as you actually take the time to “get them.”

This offers benefits for both parties. The person trusts you more and is more inclined to open up to you and come to you next time as they’re no longer afraid that they’ll just get in trouble and they know that you’ll take the time to understand them next time too and likewise, you yourself gain greater insight into why people do what they do, you learn to put aside your judgments and assumptions and you learn to keep calm and use your kindness and compassion to get to the truth.

Most problems I encountered were built on a foundation of assumptions, jumping to conclusions or simply not taking the time to understand, or worse, not caring too.

As people learned to take the time to talk, not just talk but to communication with the intention of understanding, everything just ran better and better. Players played together better. Staff managed the place better. Players felt more comfortable and open to approaching us.

Above all else, communicate. Take the time to understand. It’s not just a lesson for the children, it’s not just a lesson for the players, it’s also a lesson that many adults, parents and even the staff have had to learn… myself including. It’s also not just something you learn but something you get better at over time.

If you can take the time to do this, and keep doing it, all other pieces just fall into place.

Comments { 2 }

Why my child needs to know that he has autism

By on September 18, 2013 in Autism

I am an adult with Aspergers but I wasn’t always. Before I was diagnosed, at 36 years of age, I was an adult that was very confused, I had no self esteem and I was always extremely depressed. Before that, I was a child that was very confused, with no self esteem and depressed.

For the better part of my life, I struggled with my work, relationships, school, my appearance, friends… let’s just say that I struggled with everything. I hated life. But the part that I hated most was the feeling where, it’s not just that I didn’t fit in, I was the same as everyone else but I simply could not make anything in my life work right no matter how hard I tried and no kind words, medication, self help books or anything else could fix it. No one could tell me… what was wrong with me?!?!

Now, before I continue, if any of my family is reading this and it starts to make you feel like you let me down, don’t. You didn’t know, I didn’t know, no one knew. And considering how mixed up and down I was feeling that whole time and the fact that I’m still here, I’d say you did great!

My 3 greatest fears in life, listed least to most are:

  1. Death
  2. Being alone
  3. Feeling alone despite being with people and not knowing why

AloneWhen my son was first diagnosed with autism, I came to realize that many of his experiences mimicked my experiences. I wasn’t just reliving my youth the way a parent does through their children, I was reliving my heartaches. A lot of my past was suddenly explained to me as I started to put the pieces together. This was amplified a hundred fold when I was actually diagnosed. To this day I don’t know why but somehow, making it official, really opened my eyes to a lot in my life that had, up until then, remained unanswered.

I was bullied, I had few friends, I had bizarre obsessions and habits, I never wanted to leave my room and I remember every detail of every event that caused me pain, whether physical or mental. For example, I remember how I got the scar on my knee when I was 2 and I remember very well how I felt when my mom told me that I told an inappropriate joke before I was old enough to know it was an inappropriate joke. I felt terrible!

Still, I can take all that and more (which I am not about to list on a public blog) and very confidently say that it doesn’t even come close to the very overwhelmingly sinking and crushing feeling of being so completely and totally alone while with people that love you and want nothing more than for you to just feel good about yourself for once.

If this was a YouTube video, I’m sure most of their viewers would read that last bit and then comment to tell me that I’m just a moron and should just smarten up and listen to those people.  In a way, this is a good thing because it tells me that those people, and probably most people really, will never know just what that feels like and how impossible it is to do. That’s good, I think. I would hope that most people never really understand how that feels.

I’ve talked to a lot of people that are either waiting to or hoping to never tell their child that they have autism. They fear labels and they do not want to make them feel like they’re different or that there is something wrong with them. I get that, I really do, but take it from someone that’s been there and done that, they know. Believe me, unless your child is still two or three years old, they know.  But they can’t quantify it nor explain it and if it affects them even a bit like it did me, then they most definitely do think that there is something wrong with them.

Now, I want to stop right here and say that I know full well that all people are different, all lives are different and just because my upbringing was as I describe it, it is in no way a certainty that anyone else’s life would be the same. Still though, in my acceptance of this fact, I must also insist that you accept the fact that maybe, just maybe, it could turn out the same.

When you feel like you can’t ever have friends, you can never do anything right, everyone gets to be happy except you, talking to people comes easy to everyone but you, you’re a bully magnet, you can’t do or say anything right and life in general seems to not work for you, at all, ever, you KNOW you are different. You KNOW that something is wrong with you. But what you don’t know is why. And not knowing why is the scariest, most lonely feeling in the world.

I need to base my decision on my previous experience. I need to know that my greatest fears and feelings are something that I do not pass on to my son. I know now that I can’t protect him by keeping the truth from him.

My child needs to know because not knowing is a pain that I could never wish on anyone.

What he does with that knowledge is up to him. Will he come to accept that there really is nothing wrong with him, as I have? Having autism and being different doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you.  Will he seek out guidance and therapies to help him with friendships, work, love and life? I do not know. But at least now he’ll know what kind of help he’s looking for. I didn’t have that.

My greatest wish for my son, and everyone really, is to accept and love yourself. But how can a person accept and love them self if they never really know who they are?

 

Comments { 17 }

What my autistic child wishes for you to know

By on February 12, 2013 in Autism

What does my autistic child wish for you to know?

He’s a kid.

What? You were expecting me to say that he has special needs, he sometimes needs a little extra patience from you, a little less judgment, that sometimes he really is so focused on something that he doesn’t hear you, that sometimes he has meltdowns that may seem to be happening for no reason to you, that he’s not really like that guy in the last Hollywood movie or TV show you saw that had some guy with autism?

See, you already know those things. Even if you don’t know much about autism, you know those things. It’s why you expected me and anyone else who writes a “what my autistic child wants you to know” article to list things like that, maybe in hopes that we’d mention something new or say something in some new better or more enlightening way.

kidsThe truth is, the one simple and honest to goodness truth is, which is the one simple thing that so many people seem to forget, for what ever reason, is that a kid is a kid.

All children need extra patience. All children should be judgment free. All children should be able and encouraged to focus on what they love sometimes.

I could go on and on but having a child with autism hasn’t made me realize how much more I need to do for him, it’s made me realize how much more I can do for him, for my other son and for all children.

When I go to my kid’s school and see other children, they say “Hi Mr Duncan!” because they know me. Some can’t speak and give me a wave. It’s because I help them when they need it. Because I smile at them and for them, even when it may seem like they’re not looking my way. Because I see a child. Not a troubled child, not a special child, not a slow child, not a disabled child…  just a child being a child.

And it’s awesome.

I could argue that because my son has autism, it’s made me a better parent and even a better person in general because all of those things you thought I was going to say about autism, while true, have helped me to realize that those are all things that I should be applying to my other child as well and to all children.

So I’m not going to give you a long bullet point list of behaviors, clinical mumbo jumbo or anything else because there’s a bunch of those articles already out there. And even though I’m not doing that, I do encourage you to find them and check them out. More than one, as they all have something the others don’t.

And then when you’re done reading them, consider this… how can you apply what you now know to all children?

So stop looking at a child as “weird” or “not normal” or as “a problem” and stop thinking about how terrible the parent is because the child is not as you would expect them to be. Because yes, that child may have autism but you know what, it doesn’t matter.

Because a kid is a kid. And when you learn how to best understand, accept, respect and encourage the most needing of children, you can then apply that to all children.

They’ll be better off for it and so will you.

Comments { 2 }

Obesity During Pregnancy May be Linked to Autism in Children

By on July 9, 2012 in Autism, Autism Study of the Month

Are you pregnant? Do you seek information on how to prevent neurological disturbances in your newborn? A recent study has just discovered that pregnant women who are obese may have increased risk for developing a child with autism.

obesity during pregnancy

Obesity during pregnancy

The research involved 1,000 children aged 2 to 5 years old. Among the 1,000 children, 700 had autism and other developmental delays. The remaining 300 children were healthy and did not have any problems in their development.

The mothers of the children were asked about their intra-partal health or their health during their pregnancy. The records of the women during pregnancy and delivery were available, and researchers found out that most women who had autistic children are obese during pregnancy. Although the direct connection between obesity and autism is not clear, the authors of the research have offered some theories.

When a person is obese, there is a high percentage for inflammation and increased blood sugar levels. In pregnant women, these excess blood sugar levels and the presence of inflammatory chemicals may reach the placenta and eventually the fetus causing disruptions in the development of the brain. In the long run, prolonged exposure of the fetus to inflammation and high blood sugar levels may eventually lead to developmental delays such as autism.

There were no differences in the ethnic, racial, health insurance and education levels of pregnant mothers that may have influenced the results. However, the study did not have information regarding the dietary habits and blood tests of women duringpregnancy that may be other causes for the development of autism; nevertheless, the study suggests that obese women are 67% more likely to develop autistic children that normal weight mothers. Aside from autism, obese pregnant women have twice the risk of developing other developmental delays in their offspring.

Women normally face 1 in 88 chances of developing a child with autism, but obesity during pregnancy may have just increase this to 1 in 53 chances. This is a significant increase in the risk for having a child with autism.

Since there is an increased incidence of obesity in adults, the possible increase in children with autism may just be worrisome. In this regard, it is essential for pregnant women to watch out their weight and for non-pregnant women to maintain an ideal body weight to reduce the chances of being obese before and during pregnancy.

The normal weight gain during pregnancy is 1 pound per month on the first and second trimester and 1 pound per week during the third trimester with an average of 28 pounds on the whole duration of pregnancy. Although limiting food intake during pregnancy is not advisable, watching what you eat is more beneficial. This may involve limiting fatty foods as well as avoiding binge eating during pregnancy.

It is also essential that pregnant women report any increased weight gaining during pregnancy to their obstetricians in order to minimize, if not avoid complications during pregnancy and delivery.

Are you planning to get pregnant, but you are obese? Then, this now the right time to watch your weight and start having a healthier living.

Guest Author Bio

Dr. Amarendra writes on weight loss and thus he interested to promote Bistro MD promotional code and Diet to Go web codes. BistroMD and Diet-to-Go are the two best weight loss programs that are clinically endorsed by doctors.

Comments { 2 }