Tag Archives | communication

The importance of friendships for autistics

By on July 10, 2011 in Autism

I often hear people talk about how important friendships are, to have friends, to be social, to interact with your fellow human beings.

Sometimes I question this because really, who says that you have to? Who says that some people can’t be much more content just being by themselves, doing their own things. Who are we to tell others what they have to do or what they really need in order to be happy?

Then, there are those people with Autism that fall all over the spectrum…. some who want friends but can’t make any, those who want friends and get friends but still feel like they can’t, those who do not want friends at all and have no friends and even, strangely, those who do not want friends but always seem to end up having friends.

It is a spectrum after all.

Pushing your child into friendships

If you’re in the “must have friends” camp, do you push your child into situations to make friends? Do you tell them that they have to try to be friends? Do you find that your behavior or things you say may make them have the same “must have friends” beliefs you do and if you do, do you think that it might just set them up for depression when/if they are unable to make friends?

On the other hand though, if you don’t push them… perhaps they never will make friends, when in reality they really wish they could. Autism presents a pretty large barrier in the way of fear, miscommunications and more that make is very difficult to make friends.

Perhaps your child may even feel that they do not need or want friends but simply does not understand the benefits or positives because they simply have not had a friend before. Maybe they will be much happier when they eventually do have a friend.

The one thing that is for certain

friendshipI can tell you one thing with absolute certainty… if your child struggles to make friends, but wants to make friends and does have a friend… you had better set aside time and find a way for them to get together.

Your children will have a lot of things and people in their lives that they will feel are important but if they have to deal with the complications that Autism presents, they are going to need the extra time.

Friends can be very rare to a child with Autism, friends can be rare to some children in general. And if they require that kind of relationship, if they get really sad because they have no friends, then you, as the parent, are going to have to give up some of your time to let them play.

You’ll have to brave the weather, give up a movie… what ever you have to do.

Being friends, like everything, takes practice. Communicating, sharing, taking turns, imaginative play…. everything that you can imagine about being friends… takes practice.

And the more practice you get, the better you become at it. Not only to become better friends but to make more friends.

Cameron and his friends

Cameron had a couple of friends, sort of, in his first year of school but really, they were more like people his age that he felt more comfortable with than the others. This year though, he has a couple of friends in his class that he actually identifies with and enjoys having with him.

He not only desires their company but he needs it. This is a huge blessing because, while I wouldn’t really mind if he had no interest in having friends, I, myself, am happier that he does like having friends.

He is so happy with them. He is so happy when he knows he’ll get to see them.

And we’re more than happy to accommodate him as much as possible.

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When your autistic child says to you “Can I talk to you about feelings?”

By on June 22, 2011 in Autism

A couple of days ago, my wife and youngest child were out of town, leaving Cameron and I to play video games and spoil ourselves with treats.

Three Little PigsI’m not sure if it’s just because it was the two of us or if he was just in the mood for it but at a completely random point in the day, he decided to tell me about the three little pigs and the big bad wolf. While telling me the story, he suddenly stopped and said “Dad? Can I talk to you about the pigs feelings?”

If you have a loved one with Autism, you can imagine how off guard this caught me.

Luckily, I didn’t have to do a lot of talking, he took over. He explained to me how mad the pigs would be, he explained to me which ones would be happy.

My first thought is on how proud of him I am. That he’s working so hard to understand the feelings of others… more so, feelings of three little pigs who, after all these years of being in this story, no one has ever stopped to think about their feelings. He’s trying to understand, he’s trying to know why.

The more thought I put into it though, I begin to realize what a true testament this is to his teachers at his school as well as to my wife, his mother. While it is true that he’d never reach this point unless he wanted to and was ready to… it’s also true that he wouldn’t be acquiring the abilities nor desires to reach these milestones if it wasn’t for the hard work of those who work so closely with him.

If you know my story at all, you know that my family picked up and lost virtually everything to move here so that he could be at this school… and in all he does, I know we made the right choice. But in little moments like this one… where he completely catches me off guard… I know that it was the best choice we have or could have ever made.

To my wife Natalie and to the wonderful women at Cameron’s school that are doing so very well with him, thank you so very much.

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What to say and not say to a parent that has a child with Autism

By on May 30, 2011 in Autism

I’ve written quite often about how having a child with Autism forces you to have far more patience than you ever thought you could have… but there are still limits. And even though your patience levels can seem limitless for your child, you may find that you don’t have the same tolerances when it comes to others or some of the ignorant things they say, whether innocently intended or not.

There are a few lists out there of things not to say to us parents, but this is more of a list of things not to say or else you may just push us beyond the breaking point. Don’t worry though, I’ll follow it up with some things that I think would actually be nice to say.

do not sayDo not say

  • Your kid just needs proper discipline
  • My kids would never get away with that
  • What made your kid autistic? Was it something you did?
  • You shouldn’t take your kid out if they’re just going to be like that.
  • Your kid doesn’t look autistic
  • Are you sure your kid is autistic?
  • Why would you have more children if there’s a risk they could have autism too?
  • Have you thought about a group home or institution for your child, so that you can go back to having a normal life?
  • Sorry, I don’t really want my child to play with yours.
  • Your kid is defective
  • Your kid will grow out of it, right?
  • Autism? That’s like Rain Man, right?
  • It must be nice to get special funding or special help!
  • I hope my kids don’t end up like yours
  • You need to watch your kids better
  • Maybe you’re just bad parents
  • But all children do that
  • But your kid was so good for me
  • Referring to your child with a nickname such as “rain man” or “stimmer”

Yes, these are actual phrases I’ve heard or have heard second hand (parents told me someone said it to them). Ok, now that your blood is boiling, let’s continue on.

Here are some nicer things to hear.

Do say

  • You’re doing such a great job
  • I don’t know how you are able to do so much
  • Your child is progressing so well, you must be very proud
  • If I can help, just let me know.
  • I don’t know much about it but I’m willing to learn
  • I’ve read some studies, heard the news but I’d love to hear what you think

I’d love to hear from you. What have you heard or what would you like to hear? I’ll update this post with good suggestions.

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The R-Word is not acceptable

By on May 25, 2011 in Special Needs

Ok so, this isn’t new and I’m a little late on the bandwagon but there’s a reason. You, my readers, are already r-word savvy… you already know not to use it. You already know how hurtful it can be. So I’ve kind of felt like I’d be preaching to the choir if I did a post on it.

I changed my mind.

I still hear the word far too much

R-Word.org

I live in a bilingual city where a lot of people not only speak French but it’s actually their first language. English is second. There are some inherent problems with this that I have noticed. Nothing drastic but there are some things that bother me.

For example, the French here tend to use double negatives a LOT. It’s not their fault though. When you translate French into English, if you do it literally, you end up with a double negative most of the time. I’m not here for a linguistics lesson so just take my word for it.

However this also means that some “slang” and even derogatory words become a regular part of their vocabulary just as easily as it does for teens in high school that throw around the latest trendy verbiage or insults or what have you.

Let’s just say that when something doesn’t make sense to someone around here, the most likely reply I’ll hear is “that’s so retarded.”

Accepting the blame

First and foremost, we all must accept the blame before we can try to make a change for the better. I’ve said it. I’ve never said it as an insult or in a derogatory fashion but I’ve said it as a means to describe something I disagreed with or thought made no sense.

I think it’s safe to say that most people have at least used the word in some way even if not meant to hurt someone with it. Especially those of us that are over 20 or so…. I mean, how long ago was it that we first started hearing that “mentally handicapped” was taking over for “mentally retarded”?

We never meant for it to be a bad thing to say but here we are… it is how it is, it is what it is. Now it’s time to put a stop to it no matter how we intend it’s use.

Making the pledge

There is a website (http://r-word.org) where you can make a pledge to not only stop using the word but to make an attempt to stop others from using it as well. I have made the pledge on their site.

Their site lists a couple of dialog examples on how this subject can be addressed: Example 1 and Example 2.

By doing this, we can help people to recognize when and how they use this word and hopefully stop them doing so.

But I don’t use it to insult anyone

As I’ve said all through this, I have never used the word to insult anyone or in a derogatory way but I still feel that there’s really no reason to use it at all. No I’m not saying that I don’t want anyone else to ever use the word even if it’s with the best of intentions, I am just saying that I do not want to use it anymore.

I feel that it’s use only perpetuates it’s future usage… it’s continual transition from a medical term to a derogatory term to a slang to what ever else it may become. There’s just no need to continue to have it be a part of our vocabulary at this point as it serves no purpose except negativity.

The r-word is not acceptable. Pledge your support.

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Hearing, Listening, Pay Attention and Autism

By on May 24, 2011 in Autism Communication

How many of us have children that don’t listen? All of us. It’s the terrible twos and then the even worse threes that really test our limits. As they get older however, they learn to behave a little better but never do get perfect at it. What fun is listening to your parents all the time?

What I’ve found, however, is that there’s a whole other barrier when it comes to Autism, at least in the case of my son Cameron: focus.

Hearing – Lack of focus

Hearing is the ability to take in the sounds around oneself, or as the dictionary describes it: “The faculty of perceiving sounds.” In the case of many Autistics, there is a heightened ability to take in quite a lot of sounds all at once without the minds filtering system in place to muffle unimportant sounds into the background.

What this means is that it becomes very difficult to focus on one sound in particular in order to truly understand what it is. Or in the case of us parents and our children, they are unable to focus on what we’re saying in order to understand what we said.

Listening – Intent Focus

Listening as described by the dictionary: Give one’s attention to a sound: “sit and listen to the radio”. You can see how this relates to one’s focus. When a person focuses their attention on something, they listen intently. They absorb the sounds or what is being said and all else is dismissed.

Listening is the important portion of your instruction giving. Without it, there’s really no point in talking.

Paying Attention and Autism

When I read articles around the web about Autism, I find that they tend to discuss the lack of focus or the intent focus and very seldom do they discuss both. The truth is that for most children in general, far more to the extreme for those with Autism, you are almost always dealing with both.

I feel that one of the biggest hurdles facing those with Autism is focus. I like to think of Autistics as being digital while everyone else is analog.

Those with Autism have 0 and 1. On and off. Meaning that either all sounds are getting in and they hear it all but listen to nothing or they listen to one thing and hear nothing else. There’s not much room for anything else. This is why your child listening to a song, a toy, a tv show, etc will likely not hear you even though you’ve called their name several times. It’s also why your child will not listen to you in a crowd of talking people when you call their name. They likely can’t listen to you.

The rest of us are analog because our minds have the ability to scale the dial back and forth such that we can tune out the crowds to hear those that talk to us and conversely, can break our attention and stop listening when we hear something else of importance.

Conclusion

We all know that there’s a big difference between hearing us and listening to us… but what we might not know, or may sometimes forget, is that it’s not because they’re not paying attention. Or that they’re simply ignoring us (although sometimes that may actually be the case, crafty kids).

It is one of those things that can easily anger us because being ignored is a very frustrating thing but we have to remember that sometimes it’s not intentional. Sometimes it’s not their fault.

Be aware of your environment and that of your child as well. Perhaps they’re not hearing you, perhaps they’re listening to something so intently that they can’t hear you. Try not to get mad.

Instead, try to break their attention when so directly focused or try to direct their attention when there’s just so much going on that it’s hard to listen properly. Maybe take them away from the situation entirely in either case.

If they’re listening that intently, taking them away could result in a meltdown so it’s a judgment call on your part. But there are ways to change their focus without bothering them too much. Sometimes a hand on the shoulder will do.

Just remember the circumstances at work and the entire situation can be resolved much better without anyone getting mad and making a troubled situation much worse.

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