Tag Archives | focus

AutismFather to “I Wish I Didn’t Have Aspergers” – An AutismPositivity2012 Flash Blog Event

By on April 30, 2012 in Autism

autism positivity flash blogDo you really wish that you didn’t have Aspergers? Do you really think that your life would be better or easier?

There’s a lot of advice that I’m supposed to give. Most of it can be found here: Autism Positivity Day Flash Blog

While they all do have some great advice, and I do recommend reading them all, my advice is a little different.

You have something that most people do not

The sad truth is that life is hard for everyone. Even kids that have billionaire parents find life to be pretty hard from time to time. Just for different reasons.

The thing is that most people don’t know why their life is so hard, it just is. They feel that the universe or fate itself is against them.

Think about it. You have an advantage. You know exactly what it is that’s making life hard. It’s not fate, it’s not the universe… it’s Aspergers.

The thing is, knowing what you’re up against gives you the power to change it.

See, I didn’t know about autism or Aspergers until my son was diagnosed with autism just 4 years ago. Even worse is, I didn’t know that I had Aspergers myself until just recently.

That’s the thing… I too felt like the universe was against me. I had no friends, felt alone all the time… life was not just hard, it felt far more difficult for me than for most others.

But I didn’t know then, that I had Aspergers. I didn’t know then, that there was something very specific that was holding me back.

genius vs workThe real problem: Focus + Time

Pretty much everyone in this world is capable of greatness if they focus all of their time and energy into something that they are passionate about, that they really love. And that’s because they get to be really really good at it.

It just so happens that this is especially true of people with Aspergers because one of the defining characteristics of Aspergers is the ability to focus, almost obsess, over certain areas of interest.

What I find is that I sit, wondering why my life is so hard. Or, I wish that my life made more sense. Or I wish that I could just have fun at parties like everyone else. Or I wish….  well, sometimes I just sit and stare at the wall actually.

The point is, time is not on our side if we’re not actually using it properly.

The biggest problem is when we realize that we’re adults now, stuck in a dead end job, and that all of that time that we spent wondering or wishing could have been put into reading, learning, practicing, experimenting and just doing… the things we love!

This is true for most people, by the way, it’s just especially true for people with Aspergers. Because we’re especially bad at time management (judging the passage of time) and we’re also especially bad at handling guilt, anxiety and all the wonderful feelings that come with being alone and/or unable to handle social situations.

And so we dwell. And time passes us by.

Until we wonder why we’re not good at anything. Why we’re alone. Why life is hard.

And we think… if only we had used all of that time, staring at the wall, to actually get better at something.

Fight fire with fire

You have Aspergers. You wish you didn’t. I get that. All of my life, I wished the universe wasn’t trying to keep me down.

Sadly, I never had much of a chance against the universe. But it turns out that the universe wasn’t my problem.

I really wish I had known that I had Aspergers because I could have stood a chance against Aspergers.

Here’s why….  focus + time. Don’t let them both pass you by. Don’t try to fight it.

No, you might not be super smart, or have a photographic memory or the ability to play music just from hearing it one time… but you do have a gift.

And just like the mind readers in comic books, that need to learn how to use their gifts so that it can go from feeling like a curse to feeling like a super power… you are going to have to learn it as well.

And it will take time. And it will take hard work.

But that’s the thing. It’s within your control. Not the universe. Not fate. And certainly not Aspergers.

It’s yours to own.

Don’t wait 20 years to look back and think of what you could have accomplished with all of that wasted time.

Look ahead 20 years and imagine all of the things you can accomplish… if you focus.

Obsess over something and do it.

Don’t waste time now and you’ll have no regrets later.

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Hearing, Listening, Pay Attention and Autism

By on May 24, 2011 in Autism Communication

How many of us have children that don’t listen? All of us. It’s the terrible twos and then the even worse threes that really test our limits. As they get older however, they learn to behave a little better but never do get perfect at it. What fun is listening to your parents all the time?

What I’ve found, however, is that there’s a whole other barrier when it comes to Autism, at least in the case of my son Cameron: focus.

Hearing – Lack of focus

Hearing is the ability to take in the sounds around oneself, or as the dictionary describes it: “The faculty of perceiving sounds.” In the case of many Autistics, there is a heightened ability to take in quite a lot of sounds all at once without the minds filtering system in place to muffle unimportant sounds into the background.

What this means is that it becomes very difficult to focus on one sound in particular in order to truly understand what it is. Or in the case of us parents and our children, they are unable to focus on what we’re saying in order to understand what we said.

Listening – Intent Focus

Listening as described by the dictionary: Give one’s attention to a sound: “sit and listen to the radio”. You can see how this relates to one’s focus. When a person focuses their attention on something, they listen intently. They absorb the sounds or what is being said and all else is dismissed.

Listening is the important portion of your instruction giving. Without it, there’s really no point in talking.

Paying Attention and Autism

When I read articles around the web about Autism, I find that they tend to discuss the lack of focus or the intent focus and very seldom do they discuss both. The truth is that for most children in general, far more to the extreme for those with Autism, you are almost always dealing with both.

I feel that one of the biggest hurdles facing those with Autism is focus. I like to think of Autistics as being digital while everyone else is analog.

Those with Autism have 0 and 1. On and off. Meaning that either all sounds are getting in and they hear it all but listen to nothing or they listen to one thing and hear nothing else. There’s not much room for anything else. This is why your child listening to a song, a toy, a tv show, etc will likely not hear you even though you’ve called their name several times. It’s also why your child will not listen to you in a crowd of talking people when you call their name. They likely can’t listen to you.

The rest of us are analog because our minds have the ability to scale the dial back and forth such that we can tune out the crowds to hear those that talk to us and conversely, can break our attention and stop listening when we hear something else of importance.

Conclusion

We all know that there’s a big difference between hearing us and listening to us… but what we might not know, or may sometimes forget, is that it’s not because they’re not paying attention. Or that they’re simply ignoring us (although sometimes that may actually be the case, crafty kids).

It is one of those things that can easily anger us because being ignored is a very frustrating thing but we have to remember that sometimes it’s not intentional. Sometimes it’s not their fault.

Be aware of your environment and that of your child as well. Perhaps they’re not hearing you, perhaps they’re listening to something so intently that they can’t hear you. Try not to get mad.

Instead, try to break their attention when so directly focused or try to direct their attention when there’s just so much going on that it’s hard to listen properly. Maybe take them away from the situation entirely in either case.

If they’re listening that intently, taking them away could result in a meltdown so it’s a judgment call on your part. But there are ways to change their focus without bothering them too much. Sometimes a hand on the shoulder will do.

Just remember the circumstances at work and the entire situation can be resolved much better without anyone getting mad and making a troubled situation much worse.

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