Tag Archives | frustration

When you have a teenager sibling that is driving you crazy

By on March 18, 2014 in Autism

frustratedI received a request for advice recently from a rather frustrated sibling who’s brother seemed to be doing well… until he hit puberty. Since then he’s peaked, maybe regressed, diet went downhill and has become aggressive, with yelling and breaking things.

If only I could say that the teenage years are supposed to go smoothly… if only I could say that there was some kind of therapy, or words of wisdom or even a pill that could make it so that everything would settle down and… and be normal. And I’m still talking about a neurotypical teen here. It’s infinitely more complicated with a teenager that has autism. And I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, but you’re going to have to be the strong one and be there for them and ride it out and hopefully go back to how things were on the other side.

The autistic mind is an over active mind. Brain scans will prove it but you just need to be with an autistic for a while to see it. Lack of sleep, constantly obsessing over what they love, needing to stim constantly… there is no off switch. There is no slowing down the activity of an autistic mind.

When puberty hits, as it does for anyone, the chemicals and hormones of a person go radically out of balance and changes start taking place from head to toe. Emotional states shift wildly, the mind goes on overload and the body sends rapid signals too fast for the brain to handle as if it wasn’t already overloaded already.

When your brain is set to speed times 2 and it never turns off and you have to go through all of that… let’s just say that it can be a lot to handle for anyone.

It’s easy to become frustrated with them when it’s been happening for years now, it’s getting worse instead of better and it seems like there is no end. But the teen years are finite. Puberty doesn’t last forever. And as difficult as it is to remember year after year… your teenage autistic sibling is far more frustrated than you are. They have it much worse than you right now.

At the same time, when you have all of that going on and you just wish you could fix it, you just wish you could make them all better, you start to get frustrated with your parents, with the therapists, with the people who make the drugs that are supposed to calm you down, with the teachers… and on and on. Why isn’t anyone helping? Why isn’t anyone trying harder? Why are they doing such stupid things with their dumb ideas and only making things worse?

You have to realize that they care too. And they probably understand what is going on much more than you realize. But they are as frustrated as you are. They just as powerless as you.

I have only two words of advice on this…

First, on their wild roller coaster of emotions and attitudes and outbursts, there will be down times. Times of regret, hurt and defeat. They may be momentary and they may be a lot less frequent than all the other emotional states they will be in but in those moments, they will need their siblings to be their rock. They will need their siblings to be their role model. The ones to see them through this. The ones to never give up on them no matter how hard it gets.

Second, as much as it feels like it will last forever, it really won’t. I won’t lie to you, in all these chemical imbalances and changes, people don’t always come out the other side better off. Sometimes there is regression, especially for those with autism and they may become more secluded. But most often, with someone to see them through it, they stabilize and mature and move beyond that and forever remember the brother/sister that was there for them.

This might not be the advice you’re looking for but honestly, other than learning some coping techniques to handle aggressive behaviors or in handling your frustrations and such, this is just something that you’re going to have to do. You either decide to walk away because it’s too much or you stick it out and you be there for them.

Either way, don’t judge them for it. Certainly don’t hate them for it. This is beyond their control and not something they’d wish on anyone, certainly not themselves and certainly not you.

I leave you with some links that provides more insight on how teens with autism will change, behave, grow and even may give some insight on how to help out.

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Something That Upsets Me: When One Autism Parent Tells Another Autism Parent “How It Is”

By on July 3, 2010 in Autism

Now don’t get me wrong here, I’m not talking about people offering support or advice, I mean the ones who outright tell you that you have to put your child on a diet, they tell you that vaccines are what caused your child’s Autism, they tell you that you have to do what they’re doing and they tell you that they are right….  which obviously implies that… you are wrong.

Now, I have my opinions on some things such as the vaccine debate, but I never force that on anyone. I have my opinions on the diet, as the gluten free portion really helps my son but none of the rest of the diets do. We all have opinions! There’s nothing wrong with that.

But please stop trying to tell me or anyone else what you ‘know’ (when what you mean is ‘think’) is true.

First of all, there is no definitive answer to the vaccine debate, no matter how certain you are, the diet does help some, but not all and every single therapy and drug out there that helps one child also does not help another.

Autism is a trial of hit or miss, a life time of “try everything” where you quickly become a researcher, doctor and psychologist all in one despite the fact that all of your degrees are found through hear-say from other parents, the doctors at your family clinic and Google.

Most recently, which is what set this post off, a woman replied to another parent’s question on what to do, with one word: “DIET” and went on about it and included how [she believed] her children were harmed by antibiotics or vaccines, including a little disclaimer: “Pretty sure everyone else’s avenue there is similar (vaccines OR antibiotics).”

This really quite upset me, and I was so tempted to lash out in response but instead, I did reply but simply stated that no.. not everyone is similar.

The fact is, not every parent believes that their child was harmed due to antibiotics nor vaccines. So please, do not speak on my behalf.

While I sat there, tempted to hit the submit button with all my anger and frustrations typed out in a rather emotionally charged response, I thought about why it angered me.

I think that I just come to expect more from people dealing with Autism. It’s true! Think about it, Autism is a spectrum disorder, that means that no two cases are identical. It also means that symptoms, causes and treatments can be and mostly likely are different for most Autistics.

It’s the one thing that all scientists, doctors and hopefully even parents can agree on… my child with Autism is simply not the same as your child with Autism.

So I just sort of expect that other parents would simply speak to each accordingly… that they’d share THEIR experiences and what works with them but never presume to tell anyone it’s what they have to do… that they’d share what THEY think caused it but never presume to tell someone else that it’s their problem too.

It angers me, it really does. I write this blog to share my experiences with my son so that hopefully you see something that inspires you or makes you think “hey, maybe we could try that!” Maybe it’ll help you and your child, maybe not. But I’d never write something saying that you must do what I did or think what I think.

I’m sorry that this isn’t your typical, feel good, type of post from me but I feel I had to let it out, otherwise there would be twitter and/or facebook replies that would start a whole mess of arguments that really didn’t pertain to the situation or help in any way.

So feel free to reply to me here, if you disagree or wish to share. That way we can keep valid questions/support free of needless digression.

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