Tag Archives | listening

Understanding and acceptance means listening, even if you disagree

By on May 7, 2012 in Autism, General

Understanding
Adjective: Sympathetically aware of other people’s feelings; tolerant and forgiving: “people expect us to be understanding”.

I started the Facebook fan page called “Autism Understanding and Acceptance” a while ago with the goal of moving beyond awareness. What this means is that, rather than just simply knowing that autism exists, we must begin to do one simple, but very difficult thing… listen.

We must listen to autistics, parents of autistics, “experts” and even those that we might not want to listen to… the bullies, the disbelievers, the critics… the haters.

And this is quite contrary to what we’ve always been told and have always believed. We’re supposed to ignore the haters. Ignore the ones who’s only goal is to make you angry.

I hope to explain why, at least in my opinion, it’s important to listen.

understandingThe misconception of what it is to understand

First of all, there seems to be this big misconception among some people that tend to believe that “understanding” is something that applies to others who believe the same thing that they do.

The thing that makes “understanding” so difficult is that it requires us to be willing to listen and understand the position of someone that we do not agree with.

We don’t have to agree with them, just listen. Perhaps, through civility, there can emerge a mutual understanding of how each person has come to believe what they believe… even if, in the end, they still do not agree with each other.

For example, this whole post… I am trying to explain how I’ve come to believe that it’s important to listen to the critics and haters while you (the reader) may think that they should be ignored. When you finish reading this post, you may still not agree with me. But you may understand why I think the way I think.

In fact, I could argue that, to be truly understanding, one should seek out people that they disagree with, if only to listen to them.

It is not your job to change their mind. Nor is it really your job to listen. But it is best to recognize that they are two entirely different things. You can listen without having to convince them how wrong they are.

Understanding isn’t something that happens when two people agree. It’s the ability to comprehend why a person feels the way they do.

The uncomfortable position it puts you in

I won’t lie to you, you’ll get stuck in the middle of some sticky situations… and I’d like to give you my fan page as an example, particularly how it relates to the autism community.

When it pertains to autism, “understanding and acceptance” is often considered to be the opposite of “cure”…  there are those who want to cure themselves or their children of autism and then there are those who want for society to have more understanding and acceptance of themselves or their children.

This is such a small part of what it truly is to be understanding. It’s so much more than that.

It’s about understanding why a person might want a cure. What they’ve been through.

It’s about understanding why some people dislike autism, or any disorder or disease or their hair colour or how tall they are or their dripping kitchen faucet. Anything and everything.

It’s about remembering… people are allowed to dislike something every bit as much as they are allowed to like it.

“Understanding” is not a thing that is to be thrust on someone that dislikes something until they learn to like it.

This means that, on my Facebook page, when I post something by someone who feels sad, angry, betrayed…. just… dark… it is I that comes under attack for it. Not the person that wrote it.

It also means that when I post something triumphant, positive, happy…  it is I that comes under attack for it. Not the person that wrote it.

Why? Because people have perceived notions of what “understanding” is and feel that I should share those notions. That by being “understanding” of their feelings… I should also have those same feelings… and only share things on the page which coincide with those feelings.

It puts me in the middle. And unless I share items with people that they are personally comfortable with, they will see me as not being understanding….  for they would not have shared it… because they do not understand it.

But no one single feeling will pertain to everyone. Which means there will always be someone that does not “understand” it.

I can’t win.

Acceptance for the win

Perhaps I can win though… not in a victory, holding up the trophy sense of the word… but by persevering.

You see, understanding and acceptance is not the opposite of wanting a cure for autism.

It’s listening. That’s all.

To those that we do not agree with and those that we do. To those who want a cure and those that don’t. To those that are full of hate as well as those that are full of love. Even to those that will never understand and accept us.

They are people, with valid opinions, feelings… lives.

And it’s true, they might be wrong. We tell ourselves there’s no reason to listen to someone that is wrong.

But how can we ever show them what is right if we can not take the time to understand why they are wrong or how they came to be wrong?

How can we ever hope for them to listen to us if we can not take the time to listen to them?

Besides, right and wrong is such an abstract concept much of the time anyway. Differences, sometimes, are simply that. Differences. No right or wrong.

Understanding the “how” and “why” is the only way to understand the “who”… it’s the only way to move forward towards acceptance.

If acceptance is all you ask of others, then you have to be willing to do the same. Of all others. Not just those you feel comfortable with. Not just those that share your feelings.

Take the time to understand those that you disagree with completely… before you ask someone else to do the same.

Autism Understanding and Acceptance

Autism is not a superpower. Autism is not a curse.

It’s a spectrum of different stories ranging from one end to the other and only those who take the time to listen will be able to truly understand it.

It’s people. Autistic or not. Happy or not. Angry or not. They’re all people.

And they might not understand us. They might not agree with us. They might not accept us.

That doesn’t mean that we can’t take the time to understand them. All we have to do is listen.

That’s what understanding and acceptance is.

Perhaps you disagree. And that’s ok. At least now you understand what it is to me.

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Hearing, Listening, Pay Attention and Autism

By on May 24, 2011 in Autism Communication

How many of us have children that don’t listen? All of us. It’s the terrible twos and then the even worse threes that really test our limits. As they get older however, they learn to behave a little better but never do get perfect at it. What fun is listening to your parents all the time?

What I’ve found, however, is that there’s a whole other barrier when it comes to Autism, at least in the case of my son Cameron: focus.

Hearing – Lack of focus

Hearing is the ability to take in the sounds around oneself, or as the dictionary describes it: “The faculty of perceiving sounds.” In the case of many Autistics, there is a heightened ability to take in quite a lot of sounds all at once without the minds filtering system in place to muffle unimportant sounds into the background.

What this means is that it becomes very difficult to focus on one sound in particular in order to truly understand what it is. Or in the case of us parents and our children, they are unable to focus on what we’re saying in order to understand what we said.

Listening – Intent Focus

Listening as described by the dictionary: Give one’s attention to a sound: “sit and listen to the radio”. You can see how this relates to one’s focus. When a person focuses their attention on something, they listen intently. They absorb the sounds or what is being said and all else is dismissed.

Listening is the important portion of your instruction giving. Without it, there’s really no point in talking.

Paying Attention and Autism

When I read articles around the web about Autism, I find that they tend to discuss the lack of focus or the intent focus and very seldom do they discuss both. The truth is that for most children in general, far more to the extreme for those with Autism, you are almost always dealing with both.

I feel that one of the biggest hurdles facing those with Autism is focus. I like to think of Autistics as being digital while everyone else is analog.

Those with Autism have 0 and 1. On and off. Meaning that either all sounds are getting in and they hear it all but listen to nothing or they listen to one thing and hear nothing else. There’s not much room for anything else. This is why your child listening to a song, a toy, a tv show, etc will likely not hear you even though you’ve called their name several times. It’s also why your child will not listen to you in a crowd of talking people when you call their name. They likely can’t listen to you.

The rest of us are analog because our minds have the ability to scale the dial back and forth such that we can tune out the crowds to hear those that talk to us and conversely, can break our attention and stop listening when we hear something else of importance.

Conclusion

We all know that there’s a big difference between hearing us and listening to us… but what we might not know, or may sometimes forget, is that it’s not because they’re not paying attention. Or that they’re simply ignoring us (although sometimes that may actually be the case, crafty kids).

It is one of those things that can easily anger us because being ignored is a very frustrating thing but we have to remember that sometimes it’s not intentional. Sometimes it’s not their fault.

Be aware of your environment and that of your child as well. Perhaps they’re not hearing you, perhaps they’re listening to something so intently that they can’t hear you. Try not to get mad.

Instead, try to break their attention when so directly focused or try to direct their attention when there’s just so much going on that it’s hard to listen properly. Maybe take them away from the situation entirely in either case.

If they’re listening that intently, taking them away could result in a meltdown so it’s a judgment call on your part. But there are ways to change their focus without bothering them too much. Sometimes a hand on the shoulder will do.

Just remember the circumstances at work and the entire situation can be resolved much better without anyone getting mad and making a troubled situation much worse.

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