Tag Archives | parenting

The risks associated with having another child

By on August 15, 2011 in Autism

Why did I leave Autism out of the title?

Well, that’s because there are far more risks to every childbirth than just Autism. There’s the chance of a still birth, cancer, down syndrome and a whole host of other disorders, illnesses, ailments and can have a child growing up in a hospital somewhere. In some cases, a death sentence. Some children are born with cancer that kills them 2 or 3 years after birth.

What a harsh way to start a blog post right? I know. But I think that sometimes we Autism parents can forget the realities of our situation… there are people out there who have it so much worse.

The reason for this post is that many people have concern over recent findings in a study that I covered earlier today on this blog: Autism Study of The Month: Recurrence Risk for Autism Spectrum Disorders: A Baby Siblings Research Consortium Study

riskThe risks of any younger sibling

That being said, that there are a large number of risks, you have to realize that any and all of those birth risks are possible in all births. That means, the first child you have has a risk.

Knowing that, any child you have afterwards has an increased risk.

How do I know that?

Well, if there’s a 10% risk of a disorder at childbirth… then having 2 children means you have a 10% chance and a 10% chance.. a 20% chance.

That’s actually not quite right, satistically but for the argument of this article, it’s close enough.

You essentially double your chances by having a second child because you took the risk twice. That increases every time you have another child.

That’s for anything and everything… not just Autism.

What does it say when you don’t take the risk?

So you don’t want to take the risk of having a second child with Autism? Have you ever asked yourself: “Why is that?”

Let’s not pretend that having children with Autism is not hard and it certainly does cost a lot… we all know that.

But is that the real reason? Or is there something more to it? Let me put it this way: If you did have get pregnant a second time and discovered the child would be born with Autism, would you have an abortion?

Take some time to really think about it… is there some level of denial there? What does this say about your acceptance of your child with Autism?

Conclusion

For me personally, I love my son with Autism, not despite Autism. I think he’s amazing and has taught me a lot more in 6 years than I did in the 30 years prior.

Having a second child with or without Autism just does not seem like a risk to me.

I’ve had a few people on Twitter ask me what I thought of the recent findings… they asked me if I would take the risk or avoid the risk.

My response was this:

Decide whether or not to have another child with your heart, not your fears.

Ask yourself if you love your child. Ask yourself if you love your family. Ask yourself if you want to add another beautiful child to your family. Ask yourself what you heart is telling you.

Weigh the pros and cons, I’m not saying that there are no financial responsbilities or unforeseen risks that may arise but be aware that those finances and risks are always there, regardless of siblings or studies.

If no one had children for fear of the risks.. there would be no children.

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Autism Study of The Month: Recurrence Risk for Autism Spectrum Disorders: A Baby Siblings Research Consortium Study

By on August 15, 2011 in Autism Study of the Month

the_warner_siblings

Recurrence Risk for Autism Spectrum Disorders: A Baby Siblings Research Consortium Study

Source: http://psy2.ucsd.edu/~kdobkins/O,2011.pdf

Abstract

Objective: The recurrence risk of autism spectrum disorders (ASD) is estimated between 3 and 10%, but previous research was limited by small sample sizes and biases related to ascertainment, reporting, and stoppage factors. This study used prospective methods to obtain an updated estimate of sibling recurrence risk for ASD.
Methods: A prospective longitudinal study of infants at risk for ASD was conducted by a multi-site international network, the Baby Siblings Research Consortium. Infants (n=664) with an older biological sibling with ASD were followed from early in life to 36 months, when they were classified as ASD or Non-ASD. An ASD classification required surpassing the cutoff of the Autism Diagnostic Observation Schedule and receiving a clinical diagnosis from an expert clinician.
Results: 18.7% of infants developed an ASD. Infant sex and the presence of more than one older affected sibling were significant predictors of ASD outcome, with an almost three-fold increase in risk for males and an additional two-fold increase in risk if there was more than one older affected sibling. In contrast, the age of the infant at study enrollment, the sex and functioning level of the infant’s older sibling, and other demographic factors did not predict ASD outcome.
Conclusions: The sibling recurrence rate of ASD is higher than suggested by previous estimates. The size of the current sample and the prospective nature of the data collection minimized many limitations of previous studies of sibling recurrence, including
ascertainment bias, stoppage, and over-reporting. Clinical implications, including genetic counseling, are discusse

Press Release from Source

You can read here: http://www.ucdmc.ucdavis.edu/newsroom/newsdetail.html?key=5594&svr=http://www.ucdmc.ucdavis.edu&table=published

Translation

Researchers studied 664 participants in the US and Canada, finding that 132 infants met the criteria for an Autism Spectrum Disorder.

54 children received a diagnosis of “Autistic Disorder”.

78 children received a diagnosis of PDD-NOS.

80% of all children with an Autism Spectrum Disorder were male.

The over all rate of Autsm was 18.7%.

The rate in which there was one older sibling with Autism was 20.1%.

The rate in which there was more than one older sibling with Autism was 32.2%.

In My Opinion

This is simply my opinion of the story, stop reading if you do not want opinions and are happy just having read the details of the original study itself.

This study does not assume any “causes” which means that, even though many people will pull a genetic association out of this, it could still imply a common environmental element to the siblings.

While a much larger study than previous studies, it is still a fraction of all families and even still, the numbers are averages. Which means that the risks will be higher than 18.7% for some families but also less than 18.7% for some families.

As I always say… there is always a risk, no matter what you do or what you know. There’s never a 0% chance.

These are studies on the risk of Autism, there are other risks such as being still born, born with cancer and so on and so forth. To add up all of the risks of all the possibilities could lead to insanity. If no one ever had a child due to risks, there would be no children.

 

“Autism Study of the Month”
The purpose of the Autism Study of the Month series is to provide unpolluted (by the media) information about the studies released at least once a month in the study of possible Autism causes or risks.
You will find links to the actual studies, get to read the “abstract” of the study and, when possible, get the PR release from the source.
When it comes to science, let’s leave the media out of it.

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Autism – Etiquette and Proper Behaviors

By on August 11, 2011 in Autism

Recently, I’ve been reading a few articles where Autistics would do or say things that society would generally consider wrong, or bad behavior, and other people would actually defend them, stating that it’s one of the challenges of Autism.

I have an issue with this.

etiquetteLearning Etiquette

The fact of the matter is that no one is born with good manners. All children have to be taught what is considered a good behavior and what isn’t… as well as etiquette. Saying please and thank you is a good start.

But more so than that, children learn how to eat with their mouth closed, to not slurp their drinks, to respect their elders and so on and so forth.

Autism Etiquette

Is there any reason that a person with Autism should not be taught etiquette or what is considered bad behavior? Of course not.

Temple Grandin often explains how her mother put a lot of emphasis on proper etiquette and how much that helped her later in life.

Children need to learn these things early with or without Autism as behaviors are difficult to change, especially if there is some lack of understanding as to the differences between various similar behaviors. That is to say, for an Autistic, one behavior could be considered acceptable, another not acceptable and yet be very similar in nature. This could confuse them.

So who doesn’t have good behaviors?

The fact is, there’s only two times that someone has bad behaviors…

  1. The child is not taught. The parents, for what ever reason, do not teach a child proper manners, etiquette and behaviors
  2. The child, or person later in life, makes a conscious choice to have bad behaviors

We’ve all said something wrong or done the wrong thing from time to time, but we usually learn from those mistakes. We usually adjust our behaviors along the way.

That applies to those with Autism as well. When you feel bad for what you’ve said, you don’t do it again.

It’s not ok to just be rude or to continue bad manners and use Autism as an excuse. It’s not an excuse. I may lead to some confusion but it’s not an excuse to live a life of bad manners.

Dear Parents

Teach your children good manners. Don’t presume that they won’t “get it”, don’t presume that they aren’t absorbing what you say and certainly don’t presume that it will just never apply to them because they have Autism.

If you want your child to “fit in” with society, you’re going to have to teach them what society will expect of them.

Some people will dismiss the bad behaviors your children exhibit later in life but no everyone will. You would be much better off instilling good manners in them early. It will serve them well in life.

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Knowing your child’s limits

By on August 3, 2011 in Autism

No one knows your child better than you do… at least, that’s how it should be. That’s not true for every single parent but that’s a subject for another post. I digress…

All children have limits, Autism has a way of setting the bar a tad lower so that it’s hit a little sooner, a little more often. However, it’s still a bar to reach and as the parent, you begin to recognize where that bar is and how far away your child is from reaching it.

The terrible twos

angerIt’s usually around the age of two when that limit begins to show itself in a recognizable fashion. It’s around this time that afternoon naps stop happening as part of a routine and begin happening as a way to calm the storm.

For what ever reason, when children get tired… they do one of two things:

  1. They put their head down or against what ever they have next to them, unable to keep their eyes open any longer, then fade away into dream land
  2. They build momentum, gathering energy from the depths of their being and turn into very loud, very hateful little monsters that freak out at seemingly anything and nothing

Does any of that sound familiar? Do you remember those days?

Anyone that has a child older than 2 recognizes the “uh oh, I think someone is ready for a nap” part of the day where nothing can keep a child from getting upset.

Autism and the years that follow

The reason that it’s called the terrible twos is that children grow out of that, they stop having naps and hopefully stop testing you so much.

With Autism though, that may not be the case. Well, let me rephrase that… they may stop napping, they may stop testing you but they may still be reaching their limits just as easily as ever.

For example

My son Cameron, 6 with Autism has long outgrown afternoon naps. His little brother Tyler, 3 without Autism, has now outgrown naps as well.

However, there are still days when Tyler is very obviously tired in the afternoon and not happy with anything. On those days, he’s sent off to bed whether he likes it or not.

It’s much more rare but the same thing happens with Cameron, even to this day.

If he’s having a bad day, if he had a long day the day before, if he woke up too early, if he went to bed too late…. any number of things and in fact, sometimes it seems as though there’s no reason at all…. sometimes he’s simply just at the end of his rope far too easily, far too often.

Today was one of those days.

I work from home but we still have a babysitter during the day when my wife works… as I can’t really work and take care of them at the same time. Well, Cameron was at the end of his rope.. outright defiant and screaming at the baby sitter. So I had to step away from my computer and make an appearance.

It was very clear to me that Cameron had reached his limit and wasn’t coping with it.

Sometimes Cameron, and most autistics really, learn how to deal with it themselves… seeking out a quiet area to be by themselves, or even just sitting back and doing something so as to sort of “power down”, as I call it, to just relax for a bit.

Cameron was clearly not going to be powering down today on his own so I had to step in, get him to his room and inform him of his need to have a nap. He objected, quite loudly, but that was that.

Almost 2 hours later, he emerged from the room… a completely different child. TWO HOURS! So ya…. he was tired!

Pay Attention

You know your child and you know when they’ve gone beyond the point of no return. Meaning, they can’t calm themselves back down, they can’t seek out the quiet, relaxation they need on their own… you will have to be the bad guy and tell them that you don’t care what they want, they need to calm down.

Once completely out of control, they could hurt themselves or others… even if not, sometimes the grief is so strong after that they feel guilty for days for how they acted.

If you can’t avoid it from happening before hand, you have to step in and do something as it happens before it gets out of hand.

Know your child’s limits.

Comments { 6 }

The imperfect parent

By on June 29, 2011 in Autism

As I go back and read some of my old posts, I begin to realize that I seldom write about the things that go wrong, or that I do wrong or that are just wrong in general… unless it’s a life lesson of some kind that involves my son or Autism.

I started to realize that this is generally true of most blogs since most people write about what they find useful or informative. Little mistakes or things done wrong usually aren’t a topic of choice.

However, this can be a tad misleading as people who read your blog for a year or so might begin to see you as some kind of perfect parent.

Hint: there is no such thing as a perfect parent.

There are some people that we’d like to have for parents, depending on our preferences, but not a single one is ever perfect. Especially in the beginning… and even more so if our children have special needs.

The small mistakes

smarties megaThe other day, Cameron and I were home alone for the day while my wife and other son Tyler were out of town. I decided that Cameron and I should have some fun with games and treats so off to the store we went. He saw some over sized Smarties for sale and really wanted them. Without giving it a second thought, I said yes.

Now, I know full well that M&M’s do not have gluten and Smarties do. I also know full well that we do not give Cameron gluten. But it never even crossed my mind until the next day when my wife said something about it.

Oops.

It didn’t seem to affect him much, but it was still a rather large mistake on my part. I mean, had it of been allergies that could have had serious health risks, would I have had made the same mistake? In my opinion, yes… which is a scary thought.

It’s just far too easy make small mistakes when your mind is elsewhere… like on all the fun you and your son can have.

Some lessons take time

I often write about how Autism has taught me to have far more patience than I thought possible previously, but it wasn’t an instant lesson.

I certainly won’t lie to you about this. You don’t just have a child scream at you and poof, you learn how to have more patience. No, quite the contrary. You lose it at first. You get frustrated, you get mad… you get impatient. Your little one earns time outs when they probably shouldn’t have been time outs, they get early bed times when really they probably shouldn’t have… all too often, I’ve been far more upset with Cameron than I really should have.

Partially it was due to my lack of understanding on exactly what meltdowns were or how they worked. But even still, I knew that he was little, I knew that he didn’t know any better and I knew that it wasn’t his fault. But as a new parent, I did not have the patience to listen to it for long.

I wish I could go back and handle many situations differently.

Practice to the end of infinity and you’ll be perfect

In other words, it’s not possible.

Perfection definitely takes practice but even then, you could practice forever and never really reach it. We all make mistakes and parenting is definitely a learning experience that will give you a lot of practice.

I only gave 2 examples when really I could give you about 500, but who wants to read a blog post that long?

I am far from perfect and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I make more than my fair share of mistakes but I learn from them. That’s why it’s important to have loved ones and friends with you and to keep on learning as much as you can… not necessarily to avoid mistakes but to have them pointed out, explained, shared… and that’s how you truly learn from them.

Don’t read my posts or tweets or Facebook information and think that I’m perfect. I’m definitely not. Instead, just understand that what I’m sharing with you has come after several years of not being perfect.

I don’t know if I’m learning how to be a good parent but I’m definitely learning how to be imperfect!

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