Tag Archives | perfection

Know your child is how you want your child to be

By on January 20, 2012 in Autism

Whether you feel that Autism needs to be cured or not, we’ve all had that moment where we thought our newly diagnosed child was doomed to a complicated struggle of a life and that they will never amount to what others see as average, much less the lofty goals and dreams we had before the diagnosis.

There is certainly nothing wrong with this, it is natural. It is a scary thing to have happen to you and to your child.

Less than perfect

For many people, that feeling of disappointment and fear of the future passes. Maybe not entirely, but for the most part. They learn to accept that their child is how they are and that they’re perfectly wonderful just the way they are. It’s certainly not without it’s struggles but parents take each day as they are and love their child unconditionally… no matter what.

Then there are those parents who hold on to that disappointment and will always fear the future. They see their children as damaged or defective and seek vengeance (or justice) on those who are responsible. They will never accept that their child was meant to be how they are.. and who they were meant to be was robbed from them.

I don’t know who is right and I don’t know who is wrong, I don’t know if there is a villain to bring to justice… but what I do know is that no child should ever feel that their parent sees them as less than perfect… much less broken or defective.

Few exceptions

Even a child that does not speak, does not engage their parents, does not play and has all the other “severe” indications of “low functioning” autism can sometimes surprise us. The right tool, device or incentive can help some of these people “find their voice” and show the world what they’re truly made of.

It makes many people think that a lot of autistics have it within them to do this. You, and they, just have to find a way.

If true (which I believe it likely is, at least for some), then the things you say, do and even think will be picked up and even understood by your child. Even more so if your child is able to express themselves and communicate better.

Even if you try to hide it, if you truly believe that your child is broken or defective, it will affect your child. Perhaps the parent is a little less affectionate, perhaps they’re a little less encouraging… these things will resonate with your child. It may be on some subconscious level or it may just be a hint of self doubt that lives within them into adulthood.

Few children are able to excel despite a parent’s disapproval, few children are able to truly be self confident when their own parents do not believe in them first. Some children can overcome that but doesn’t a child with autism have enough to overcome already?

perfection

Unconditional love

I’m not saying that you are wrong if you fight for a cure, I’m not saying you’re wrong if you are fighting to put a stop to what ever you believe is the cause of autism… what I am asking for is… please stop seeing your child as broken.

Accepting your child for who they are, right now, right in front of you… it does not mean giving up. It certainly doesn’t mean you don’t care. All it means is that you love your child, through and through, 100%, no matter what.

Know that your child is perfect, know that your child is who they are and encourage them to always be themselves. Know it.

Don’t just think it and don’t just make it something you say so that you can feel better about yourself for making them feel better about themself… you need to believe it. You need to know it.

This is your child and your child deserves that much from you.

Once you believe it, the real miracles start to happen.

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The imperfect parent

By on June 29, 2011 in Autism

As I go back and read some of my old posts, I begin to realize that I seldom write about the things that go wrong, or that I do wrong or that are just wrong in general… unless it’s a life lesson of some kind that involves my son or Autism.

I started to realize that this is generally true of most blogs since most people write about what they find useful or informative. Little mistakes or things done wrong usually aren’t a topic of choice.

However, this can be a tad misleading as people who read your blog for a year or so might begin to see you as some kind of perfect parent.

Hint: there is no such thing as a perfect parent.

There are some people that we’d like to have for parents, depending on our preferences, but not a single one is ever perfect. Especially in the beginning… and even more so if our children have special needs.

The small mistakes

smarties megaThe other day, Cameron and I were home alone for the day while my wife and other son Tyler were out of town. I decided that Cameron and I should have some fun with games and treats so off to the store we went. He saw some over sized Smarties for sale and really wanted them. Without giving it a second thought, I said yes.

Now, I know full well that M&M’s do not have gluten and Smarties do. I also know full well that we do not give Cameron gluten. But it never even crossed my mind until the next day when my wife said something about it.

Oops.

It didn’t seem to affect him much, but it was still a rather large mistake on my part. I mean, had it of been allergies that could have had serious health risks, would I have had made the same mistake? In my opinion, yes… which is a scary thought.

It’s just far too easy make small mistakes when your mind is elsewhere… like on all the fun you and your son can have.

Some lessons take time

I often write about how Autism has taught me to have far more patience than I thought possible previously, but it wasn’t an instant lesson.

I certainly won’t lie to you about this. You don’t just have a child scream at you and poof, you learn how to have more patience. No, quite the contrary. You lose it at first. You get frustrated, you get mad… you get impatient. Your little one earns time outs when they probably shouldn’t have been time outs, they get early bed times when really they probably shouldn’t have… all too often, I’ve been far more upset with Cameron than I really should have.

Partially it was due to my lack of understanding on exactly what meltdowns were or how they worked. But even still, I knew that he was little, I knew that he didn’t know any better and I knew that it wasn’t his fault. But as a new parent, I did not have the patience to listen to it for long.

I wish I could go back and handle many situations differently.

Practice to the end of infinity and you’ll be perfect

In other words, it’s not possible.

Perfection definitely takes practice but even then, you could practice forever and never really reach it. We all make mistakes and parenting is definitely a learning experience that will give you a lot of practice.

I only gave 2 examples when really I could give you about 500, but who wants to read a blog post that long?

I am far from perfect and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I make more than my fair share of mistakes but I learn from them. That’s why it’s important to have loved ones and friends with you and to keep on learning as much as you can… not necessarily to avoid mistakes but to have them pointed out, explained, shared… and that’s how you truly learn from them.

Don’t read my posts or tweets or Facebook information and think that I’m perfect. I’m definitely not. Instead, just understand that what I’m sharing with you has come after several years of not being perfect.

I don’t know if I’m learning how to be a good parent but I’m definitely learning how to be imperfect!

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