Tag Archives | social

Humans are social beings. So if you’re not social, what are you?

By on January 16, 2012 in Autism

Taken from Wikipedia:

Humans are social beings. In comparisons with animalia, humans are regarded like the primates for their social qualities. But beyond any other creature, humans are adept at utilizing systems of communication for self-expression, the exchange of ideas, and organization, and as such have created complex social structures composed of many cooperating and competing groups. Human groups range from families to nations. Social interactions between humans have established an extremely wide variety of values, social norms, and rituals, which together form the basis of human society.

This makes me wonder… what about the people who are not adept at utilizing those systems of communication for self-expression? Is this why some people instinctively see special needs people as less than human somehow? Is this why, when a person is unable to use those systems, to communicate or demonstrate self-expression, they are thought to be “in their own world?”

It sounds a little harsh, to think that, if a person isn’t social, that society would view them as “less than human”… but really, this shouldn’t be new to anyone. Aristotle thought this way too.

“Man is by nature a social animal; an individual who is unsocial naturally and not accidentally is either beneath our notice or more than human. Society is something that precedes the individual. Anyone who either cannot lead the common life or is so self-sufficient as not to need to, and therefore does not partake of society, is either a beast or a god. ” 
― Aristotle

Granted, he included the “more than human” but that’s likely in reference to the savants or prodigies that lock themselves away to work tirelessly on what ever it is that they do.

I mean… a beast or a god? Really?

how to win friends

No wonder this sells so well!

Says Who?

Personally, I have always questioned: If everyone is different, why would everyone have to have friends?

Think about it. Every single person is different. All seven billion. And yet poets and story tellers continue to tell you that everyone needs someone to love and everyone has to have friends.

Why?

Why can’t a person be ok with not having friends? Where did the term “hermit” come from if there aren’t people out there who prefer to be left alone?

Feeling Lonely

Everyone feels lonely sometimes. People that have more friends than they can count can feel lonely sometimes. Is it more likely for a person that has no friends? Sure, but perhaps there’s a reason for that besides the fact that they are alone.

Think about it… why would a person who prefers to be alone be lonely because they are alone? It doesn’t make sense.

In my past, when I had no friends because I was working so hard, I felt very lonely and very depressed. But it wasn’t because I had no friends.

I felt that way because I was conditioned to. Every poem or story I read, every movie I saw, every person I talked to would tell me that I had to have friends…. more so, I had to have love.

Not one person or piece of entertainment told me that it was ok to be alone. In the movies, the hermits would eventually find a family or a place to live and “finally be happy” with others. The others would either eventually commit suicide or “remain alone for the rest of their days”…  ugh.

Be Yourself

Other than highschool peers, people will tell you to be yourself. That you’re unique. You’re different. There isn’t another person out there like you.

But you have to have friends, like everyone else, because everyone else does… or else you’re “beneath our notice”.

It’s very contradicting and it’s very belittling and it’s very confusing.

Sure, a lot of people without friends do not choose for it to be that way and therefore, have every right to feel lonely and a little down. But some people want to be that way… they eventually find themselves depressed and aren’t sure why.

In either case, don’t listen to Aristotle… don’t listen to the media, entertainment or poets… it’s ok to have no friends. It might be temporary. It might not. Depending on what you want.

But be yourself.

Who knows, you may think you want to be alone only to find that you really don’t… once you are confident enough to be yourself… confidence attracts… friends!

But you are still very much human, friends or not… love or not. Want it, don’t want it… it doesn’t matter, just so long as you are yourself. Friends and love, they’re out there. I won’t think any less of you for wanting them or not wanting them.

You don’t have to have friends to be happy but it certainly helps to be happy if you want to have friends.

So either way… be happy for being you.

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My own little world – Important place to be but don’t get lost there

By on September 8, 2011 in Autism

The phrase “own little world” is often used to indicate ignorance, that a person has no idea what is going on in the world outside of their own life.

I like to think of it more as an indicator as to what is important. You see, what ever is happening in my own little world has the utmost importance to me. It’s what I know best, it’s what I care for most and it’s what is most important to me.

There’s nothing wrong with your own little world, everyone has one and everyone should be proud of theirs.

My own little world

our own little worldFor me, my own little world consists of myself, my wife, my children and my pets… that’s it. That’s what I know better than anyone else, it’s what is more important to me than anything else and it’s what brings me the most joy.

For some people, it might be only their children, only their spouse… it may be just themselves, if they are focusing on their own happiness before starting or without having a family.

You protect your own little world even if it means getting a little bloody because there’s nothing more important in the whole world.. than your own little world.

But…

Don’t forget there is a bigger world out there

I find that, especially when it comes to parenting, and 10 fold more when it comes to Autism, people easily get lost in their own little world.. and when they step out and look around, they forget that things are different out there.

I know I’m not telling you anything that you don’t already know, but we all need reminders sometimes. Hear me out for a minute…

We Autism parents write about our experiences and sometimes, when we’re lucky, we write something that you can relate to.  However, the very nature of Autism, as we all know, is that the experience is different for everyone.

This presents a very interesting problem…  we write about our own little world, which doesn’t match up with other people’s little worlds… there are two possible outcomes:

  1. One or both parties recognizes that their own little world is different, accepts that fact and either does not comment or does comment, stating how their own experience differs
  2. One or both parties denies the existence of the other person’s little world, proclaiming that they are liars, misguided, ignorant or just plain wrong and that they are doing a great disservice to the entire world (which I’m assuming is their reference to their own little world but we both know it isn’t)

More often than not, I see #2 all over other people’s blogs. (pun intended)

Take a deep breath

The problem with this is that it requires both parties to remember and recognize the “my own little world” phenomenon and take a deep breath, relax and accept that we all have different experiences with differing opinions.

Not just both parties, but many many parties… the more popular a blog becomes, the more that little worlds come into contact with it… some of them collide.

Just this morning I tweeted: Autism is like a rainbow; it has a brighter side & a darker side, every shade is important & beautiful and it hides something golden.

To which, one angry parent was rather mad that I’d call it a rainbow (I didn’t, it’s a comparison), proceeded to remind me that Autism is a serious disability and that “fluff” like that doesn’t help those who suffer from Autism.

He didn’t take a deep breath.

He completely skipped the “darker side” reference as well as the part that says that it “hides something golden”. I mean, yes… I’ll admit to the “fluff” but it’s not all peaches and cream either. I felt it rather adequately expressed the darker points… the “suffering.”

Anyway, as I said, he didn’t take a deep breath, instead acting instinctively to attack me for not telling his story… for not telling everyone about his own little world.

However, that’s not my place. I can’t tell other people’s stories for them.

And so…. I take a deep breath, and I remember that his own little world is what he knows and is what is more important to him. In his way, he’s protecting that.

My own little world is different. I can accept that.

And when I read about his experiences and his story… I’ll remember to respect that his own little world is vastly different than my own.

Please keep in mind that, what you experience in your own little world, might not be what someone else experiences. Their story is completely different. They share their story, not to fight with you, but to show you just how different things can be… and maybe, sometimes, just how much the same they can be too.

Take a deep breath. Your own little world is not threatened by others sharing their own story. Your own little world is still your own, you still know it better than anyone… and most of all, it doesn’t mean that anyone thinks you are ignorant of what’s going on outside of your own little world. At least, it shouldn’t.

Just take a deep breath. In fact… you should rejoice that no one else’s little world is the same as yours. If it was, it wouldn’t be your own.

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When raising Autism Awareness gets out of hand and becomes something else

By on August 25, 2011 in Autism

I’ve been noticing a disturbing trend lately…. Autism Awareness.. run amok!

Autism awareness is a great thing, it’s a wonderful thing…. it’s a necessary thing.
But as we all know, too much of a good thing can be bad for you.

Here are just a few instances where well intentioned Autism Awareness becomes more of a nuisance than a good thing.

towerThe Share-o-holic

This happens all over the internet but the two most obvious places I see it played out is on Twitter and Facebook. This is what it looks like:

  • Twitter: Instead of tweeting a link or message, they mention every single person they can find on Twitter and tweet their link or message, over and over, to each person, until they get blocked by Twitter for spam. Often, these all come with a request to retweet it.
  • Facebook links: So excited about a blog post or someone writing about them, they race to every profile, fan page and group that they can find on Facebook to share that link. Thousands of shares later, they do it again the next day.
  • Facebook bios: Having written a cleverly worded bio about who they are, what they do or what they offer, they hit every profile, fan page and group that they can post to and repeat it again, word for word, weekly or more.

This constant repetition is frustrating enough but seeing it daily or weekly is enough to make me want to unlike those fan pages, remove myself from those groups and so forth… all because of one person. And I’m all for Autism Awareness! Imagine what others must think.

The News Source Replicator

Being aware of what is in the news is paramount to being aware of what’s happening in the Autism community but also in being aware of what may benefit you or your children. Some new information may shed some light on things close to home, some new therapy may be just what you need.

That’s great!

However, what we don’t need is for people to automate their Twitter account to just pull from a news source on Autism.

If their entire Facebook feed is news stories and never an actual conversation piece or anything, no one is reading.

If they login to Google+ once a day just to hit the share button on every single Spark available that day and then they’re gone after… people will remove them from their circles.

Listen to me carefully, if all you have is news… no one is reading. You’ve blown it. Autism Awareness is your goal but not your achievement.

Alienating Your Own Kind

Oh this one scares me… I just shake my head…. violently. I am just so dumbfounded.

Recently (late July to be exact), Temple Grandin created an actual Facebook profile. Not just a fan page, but a profile. So she could have friends and everything.

It was quite impressive to see how quickly she got to 5000 (the max). It’s a true testament to her and her work.

However….

For the last 2 weeks, I’ve watched update after updating of Temple Grandin joining an Autism group on Facebook. Now, groups don’t work the way you might expect. Temple Grandin isn’t actually joining these groups. The groups are adding her.

The way groups work on Facebook is the group can just add anyone it wants and it’s up to those people to opt out.

Now, think about how frustrating this must be when it happens 10 or 20 times a day.

Granted, it’s mostly someone representing her and also, she’s a very kind woman and probably doesn’t really mind being in all those groups however at the same time, it’s really quite rude of so many people to do this to her. Her Facebook stream must be simply filled with group posts. Insanely filled.

Is this really how we treat someone we respect so much? We force hundreds of Facebook groups on her until she finally decides she’s had enough and leaves Facebook behind?

What exactly is it we’re doing?

Are we really raising awareness when we do this? Are we really “sharing our message” with others?

Or are we trying to ram our own need for attention down the throats of others?

Because sometimes, I have to wonder.

And if you know me, you know that I’m all for raising awareness. For doing more than that! But this is not the way to do that.

Making people want to block you, unfollow you, leave the places they used to enjoy… all just to get away from you.. what is it you’re really doing?

Broadcasting

In the social media world, this is called broadcasting. This means that all you do is send message after message, link after link, story after story and you either don’t, or very seldom actually interact with anyone. You take nothing in.

If you treat social networks as your own personal radio station, you’re doing it wrong.

First of all, no one listens to a radio station that only has one song.
Secondly, people  looking for social interactions don’t turn on a radio for it.

I’ve often said that Autism Awareness is a passion for some people but the problem is that passion can be blinding sometimes. In an effort to share the message with the world, you become obnoxious and the world becomes annoyed and tunes you out.

When that happens, you don’t just hurt yourself, you hurt all of us for all of our messages become a little less powerful, a little less heard.

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Integration – Why is it needed and why is it so hard?

By on June 15, 2011 in Autism

When I stop to think about it, Cameron really does have quite the support network now. My wife and I do our best but now he also has his teachers and therapists helping and then there’s also family and friends that have done so well at taking the time to learn and understand him too. It’s very little wonder that he’s been doing so well with so many great people giving him the guidance he needs.

But yesterday, at the IEP meeting with his school, there was one area of his development that we all realize he is ready for, that he needs help with and while the school is doing a good job of coming up with a plan on how to accomplish it, I quickly began to realize that it’s entirely dependant on Cameron himself and an entirely new group of people…. the other children at his school.

Why is it needed?

Cameron would do well and excel very rapidly were he to stay confined to his classroom where he has his friends and teachers that he knows so well. A comfortable setting and a set routine. He’s responded so very well to this and has reached many grade 1 milestones in his education before he even reaches grade 1. I’m proud of him, but now he’s ready to be pushed out of his comfort zone.

Eventually everyone leaves elementary school. High school is a scary place. The work force is even scarier than that.

There is a very real danger that if he becomes too dependant on his comfort zone, not only will he no longer excel once removed from it but he could regress completely… something akin to a nervous breakdown.

integrationIntegration is the key to helping him to keep that comfort zone as a fall back, should he need it, but also prevent him from becoming dependant on it because it simply won’t always be there.

If you read my blog, you know that we uprooted our family, sold our house and moved to find the school that he attends now. It’s because they have a wonderful Autism program integrated right into the school which means that, while a regular every day normal school, it does have some classrooms dedicated specifically to Autism students. Cameron is in one of those classes.

A very very big part of the reason for our move is that it has this dichotomy right in one building. He gets the best of both worlds every single day. When he wasn’t ready for it, he stayed in his class. When he is ready, he leaves the classroom to find the other students.

This, we believe, will be extremely advantageous to his development.

Why is it so hard?

How could it be so hard with such a perfect school? Well, the problem is that every child is different. And if there’s one thing that a school requires to function properly, it’s structure. So how do you build structure when each child’s needs are completely different?

Many of the children simply aren’t ready and so, they’ll stay in the safety of their class until they are. Others, such as my son, are ready. But being ready doesn’t mean you can just throw him into a regular class.

Some children are ready to “play next to” other children that are brought to their safe zone (their class room), some children are ready to “play next to” other children in some other class room, some children are ready for limited interaction, some children are ready to actually play together. There’s literally hundreds of ways to measure what a child is and isn’t ready for.

Like all things, it’s something that takes practice, patience and time. Which means introducing the child to other children, having them come to the safe zone, having the child leave the safe zone, having them try to talk, answer questions… and so on and so forth. It’s a slow process.

This sort of thing doesn’t just happen on it’s own though. The child needs supervision… support. This requires a human body that knows him, knows his queues and can recognize when he’s overwhelmed or when he’s doing well.

It also means having a person, or people, for each and every child that is ready plus it requires them to recognize, remember and be an expert at each stage of integration so that they can know the child’s progress and their next step.

This all costs money, it requires an attention to detail, it requires being able to cope and deal with the set backs when the child can’t handle it… it also requires a reporting system so that the school can determine what is and isn’t working and how to improve the system.

It’s a very complicated system that seems so very very simple to us parents because our focus is on one child. For us, who cares what system is in place. Just give our child someone to learn to be social with!

If only it was that simple

Hidden benefit

For me, my son comes first. Both of my boys do and always will. However, a big part of me looks globally, to all people, especially those with Autism.

And to me, integration at a very young age has a much more wide spread benefit and it’s not to our children with Autism. It’s to those children that are being introduced to them. That are being encouraged to be patient with them, to help them and support them.

When I see one or two children my son’s age say hello to him, when I see them take their time and wait for him… when they help him with something he struggles with, to me… that’s global progress. Not just my son, not just those children but for all people.

That’s where acceptance is most powerful… in our youth. If we can have a 5 year old helping a 5 year old, as they get older, it will never even occur to them to think of someone different as weird, bizarre or a freak. The reactions and instincts of their peers and even their own parents before them will have no bearing on these children as they will have grown up with a sense of understanding and acceptance that will dominate any pre-existing notions.

Why is integration needed? Well, it helps my child with Autism learn to be social, learn to communicate effectively and learn to live an independent life along side those that he may never understand but that’s just one benefit to one person.

More so than that, and even more importantly than that, on a much wider scale, it allows his peers to accept him for who he is and to help him when he needs it, rather than to judge or ridicule him.

My son has a great support system. He has so many great people helping him and it comforts me. But it’s when I see one child helping another… that’s when I know my son will be alright.

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Quantifying Friendship

By on March 28, 2011 in Autism, Parenting

I pick up my younger daughter and her classmate from their school each afternoon.

We drive to oldest daughter’s school in the next suburb and collect her.

Each afternoon follows a set pattern, pick up two, and drive the same roads, park in the same place. Walk to the others classroom, play the same games, bell rings. Leave with three. Get in car in same order, drive same route, and offer the same snacks.

Three children on the autism spectrum, I try to minimize changes in routine, avoid conflict.

Each afternoon the conversation follows the same route. Topics dictated by the landscape we drive through. Street signs, letter boxes and houses the visual route markers to our verbal dialogue.

We drive out of the first school, the two clamouring for snack. As we approach the T intersection the ‘bad thing about today’ is revealed – a child roaring like a dinosaur, the teacher changing the actions to a song.

As we pass the swimming school the two begin to talk about ‘my best day’, seeing a snail in gardening class, playing a with favourite toy.

While I wait to turn into the other schools car park, both voices in the back seat express concern over what will happen if we park in a different place.   On good days we get our special parking space, on the rare bad day I spend a few minutes reassuring them it is okay to park in a different place.

We walk into the other school, they both bolt for the playground, I follow, we play the same game, the climbing equipment is the boat, and the ground is the sea. I am the shark, squeals of feigned terror as the shark approaches, giggles of delight as they escape the shark.

The bell rings, two sets of hands reach up and cover two sets of ears, two voice exclaim ‘too loud’.

Then the rush of children out the classroom doors, loud joyful noise as they escape the school room again. We wait, oldest daughter is always the last out, organisation is a challenge, easier to wait until her classmates are outside and the room is quiet, and then she can think, remember what needs to be packed to come home.

Finally we are on our way again, three in the car. Slowly we exit the busy car park, all three voices talking about their day, all three demanding that the others be quite and listen.  We turn the corner towards the train tunnel, oldest recounts why she has named it ‘The Echo Tunnel’.

Another corner, as always this corner turns the conversation towards fairies, what attracts fairies, what repels, where to look for them. Every afternoon the conversation follows the same route. Topics dictated by the landscape we drive through. Street signs, letter boxes and houses the visual route markers to our verbal dialogue.

As we approach the duck pond my heart sinks in anticipation, a corner is turned, the yellow sign with Mama Duck and two baby ducks is passed “Excuse me, are we friends?” the question is asked.

Oldest daughter replies “No. You are my sister’s friend.”

Younger sister answers “You mine friend.”

Classmate responds in matter fact voice “oh. Okay then.”

Each day I insert my social story voice into their conversation “It is okay to be friends with more than one person. Your sisters’ friend can be your friend too.”

We drive under another bridge, I’m ignored as always, conversation turns to invitations to come over and play, lets hunt fairies in the garden.  As we pull into classmates drive way I’m besieged by petitions to please can we stay, please can we play.

Weeks turn to months, every afternoon the conversation follows the same route. Topics dictated by the landscape we drive through. Street signs, letter boxes and houses the visual route markers to our verbal dialogue.

Then one day, we approach the duck pond. My heart sinks, the questions is asked “Excuse me, are we friends?”

And there is a pause, I slow down, ears alert at this change.

Youngest daughter answers “You mine friend.”

The two turn to oldest daughter, she has not spoken, she is thinking, I hold myself silent, hoping for change.

“I think we are” she says “You believe fairies and so do I, you have a little sister with autism and so do I… is that enough things to make us friends?”

He listens quietly, seriously and after due thought he responds “I think maybe we need more things.”

We go under the bridge but the conversation does not change. Something new is blooming here on our drive home.

All three are silent, thinking.  “How about ten things, if we have ten things that are the same, would that make us friends?” oldest daughter asks.

“Yes, it would, ten things is good” he answers

And a rising babble of voices explodes as the three work out ten things that are the same.

Every afternoon the conversation still follows the same route. Topics dictated by the landscape we drive through. Street signs, letter boxes and houses the visual route markers to our verbal dialogue.  As we pass the duck pond the same question “Excuse me, are we friends?” But now we have a different answer, a list of ten ways they are the same, ten things to make a friendship.

 

 

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