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Autistic people should be

By on February 23, 2013 in Autism

It’s fully understandable if the title seems to be cut a little short. It does sound like there should be something following that but I can assure you, I intended it exactly as I wrote it.

Autistic People Should Be

Autistic People Should Be

Autistic people should be. That’s it.

Autistic people should exist. They should be accepted. They should be treated with respect. They should just, very simply, be.

There’s a really great “flash blog” going on right now, based on the phrase “autistic people should”. The blog can be found here: http://autisticpeopleshould.blogspot.ca/

The reason for this is that some folks noticed that when they typed in “autistic people should” into Google, Bing or even Facebook’s search, the auto-complete feature of those search forms would finish the phrase for them, prompting them to search for “autistic people should die.”

Basically, this means that this phrase is out there so much that all these search places try to make their best guess that it’s most likely what it is that you’re searching for.

This is disturbing, to say the least. I can’t imagine most people feel this way or would ever want to be searching for that.

But whether that is the case or not, it’s a great idea to write up a blog post or to get some notes out there on the internet to force these search engines to offer up some alternative choices, or better yet, to no longer have the current suggestion listed at all.

And so, this post is dedicated to just that. My contribution to the “autistic people should” phrase and how I believe it should end.

It’s as many before me have said, without autistics or at least, autistic traits, there would be far less engineers, mathematicians, scientists, computer people and on and on. Autistics have always been here, even if it seems like it’s a relatively new thing. Autistics have contributed to far more through out history than you could ever imagine.

Without autistics, there would be far fewer savants, fewer advances in technology, fewer discoveries in science. Without autistics, well, who knows… perhaps we never would have even had the wheel. That seems a bit far fetched, right? But think about how long human history is and at what point, somewhere, some autistic may have contributed something important that without it, we could be hundreds of years behind where we are now.

Bringing it a bit closer to home, imagine a young couple, naive and arrogant, their whole lives ahead of them. They don’t know what autism is but assume it’s just bad and that autistics simply just should not be. Then this couple finds themselves as new parents and their child isn’t making eye contact or responding to their name. Would these people still feel as they did before? Would they still think that their precious little child should die simply because he or she is different? Or would they do everything in their power to ensure that their child has a bright and happy future?

Autistics should be.

Because the alternative is unthinkable.

 

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Autism, Fathers, The Future and Denial

By on February 16, 2013 in Autism
Is this what a father sees?

Is this what a father sees?

Far too many moms have asked me why their husbands might be in denial or worse yet, cold and distant to their child. Once they got the autism diagnosis, everything changed.

Many fathers struggle with it. It’s not just fathers though but mostly fathers it seems. And I think there are many reasons, denial being the most obvious but I think it’s more than that.

For most moms, when a child is born, they envision a bright and beautiful future for that child but it’s pretty abstract. Go anywhere, do anything.

For most fathers though, it’s usually much more specific. Like doing things with their child that they had done with their own fathers, or teaching the child how to do things that they love to do or having their child follow in their footsteps or even more so, to exceed those footsteps and be a much better person than they were.

And with an autism diagnosis, all of that is destroyed and it feels like it has been ripped away from you.

For moms, because their vision is so abstract, it doesn’t feel so devastating to lose. For many, it never even feels lost, just… it’s going to be different.

But many dads have a very hard time coping with that. Not many people like having their dreams ripped away from them and even less so to have their dreams for their children taken.

That can make a man distant and even seem cold. They sort of give up.

I’m not saying this is true for every father. As I said, there’s a lot that goes on in a person’s head when their child is diagnosed with autism or anything really.

But, if this is the case, or even just denial, then it may just take time to accept that, even though his dreams may be gone (they may still not be actually, who knows?), there’s still room and time for new dreams. A child is a child and even if the future seems less certain now, it still filled with unlimited potential.

If it’s your husband or anyone else you know that seems to be struggling with this feeling, all I can suggest is time, patience and perhaps a gentle reminder:

There’s still so much life left to live where anything can happen.

It would be a shame to miss what will happen because you’re too busy focused on what won’t happen.

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I think I speak for everyone when I say that I speak only for myself

By on February 14, 2013 in Autism

If you read blog posts or news articles or random bits and pieces of things from people, do you honestly assume that the person is speaking on behalf of all those within their community? How about the world?

Chances are you haven’t really put much thought into it at all. You just read what someone says and go about your day. As it should be.

A funny thing happens though, when you are one of the people writing some of the same (or similar) things that other people are writing… you start getting defensive. As if somehow, in some way, those other writers are writing on your behalf and they’re not getting your message right at all.

It all starts to spiral quickly once one person starts naming another person and it gets ugly fast.

But for the most part, I think anyway, most readers don’t care about any of that and most never assume that one person’s writing is indicative of the way everyone thinks or what their experiences have been. I’m not saying they definitely know better and always think that each story is unique but rather that most people don’t even think about it at all.

Most people enjoy what a writer says and comes back to read more another time or moves on to the next thing they read or they go back to stopping their kids from fighting.

I think I speak for everyone when I say that I speak only for myselfIf you’re a writer/reader, try not to take it so personally when someone’s opinion is different from your own or if they’ve had conflicting experiences from your own. If it does seem that some other writer is attempting to speak for you, let it slide. You know they don’t. The reader knows they can’t.

If you’re a reader and not a writer and you’ve never really given it much thought, let me put your mind at ease right now. What I write, no matter what it is, is based on my own opinions and experiences and I speak for no one else but myself.

And if you read something from someone that does claim to be speaking on behalf of others, keep in mind that they can’t possibly do that. Don’t get mad at them, but just keep it in mind as you read. Their experiences and opinions are valid too, even if they do have an enlarged ego.

Sometimes they might even have facts and figures to back up what they say with such claims as “the majority of” and so forth. If you think about it… “most” people still isn’t everyone. Meaning, they still can’t speak for everyone.

Most of all, if you do see a writer naming another writer to discredit them or make an argument, keep an open mind that these are two passionate people, both with valid yet conflicting opinions. And try to filter out the ugliness as best you can. Chances are, they’re both not wrong. They just might not be able to see that at the time.

You really can believe everything you read, if you remember to keep in mind the source. They are human too. They are just one person and that’s all that they can speak for.

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The autism glass of water, is it half full or half empty?

By on February 13, 2013 in Autism

This awesome illustration crossed my Facebook timeline today and I just knew that I had to use it. I’ve been struggling with a post all morning about this very thing and sometimes finding the words to make a point can be much more difficult than you’d think.

Anyway, the illustration, please read:

The autism glass of water, half full or half empty?A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they’d be asked the “half empty or half full” question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: “How heavy is this glass of water?”
Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.
She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.” She continued, “The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything.”
It’s important to remember to let go of your stresses. As early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don’t carry them through the evening and into the night.
Remember to put the glass down!

I have been reading posts recently on blogs and on Facebook where people are tired. For what ever reason, they’re tired and don’t have much energy to go forward.

For some, it’s that they are tired of the constant IEP battles. For some, it’s that their child is sick that week-end. For some, it’s the years of almost seemingly lack of development from their “severe end of the spectrum” child and the constant care they require. For some, it’s the haters or arguers that seem to find their blogs or Facebook pages.

At first, these people managed quite fine. Ignored the haters, found more resources, got better advice… they kept pushing forward.

But over time, they’ve stopped blogging. They’ve stopped trying the new treatments. They’ve stopped asking for help.

And it’s because they’re tired. Rightfully so.

When I write, as do many, we ask for these people (and all people) to think of their glass as half full. To look at the positives. To ignore the negatives. As I write, I try my utmost to find the positives everywhere, even if what I’m writing about has a darker, more serious and even negative tone to it.

But the truth is, whether your glass is half full or half empty, that glass begins to become very heavy over time.

You need respite. Not necessarily the kind you just imagined when you read that word but you do need rest. You need to put the glass down. Even if you put it down for 5 minutes every hour, you’ll find that you will have the strength to hold it for the next hour much more easily.

Whether that means taking a break from blogging, Facebook, having a night out without the kids once in a while… what ever it is that gives you the opportunity to put the glass down. Ideally, you should be getting a good night sleep (how ever many hours that can be for you) and waking up with all the stresses of the previous day behind you.

What I’m saying is, positive or negative, good or bad… stop thinking about how it may affect you over time and recognize that it does. It really does.

And it’s not giving up to take a break. It’s not admitting that you can’t do it, to take a break.

If you do… when you do… you’ll find new energy, a new perspective and extra strength to pick the glass back up and carry on, should you choose to. For example, blogging or Facebook. Some people feel so much stress lifted that they never do return to it and that’s ok too.

Remember, it’s not the weight of the stress but for how long you carry it.

Don’t give up. Just remember to put the glass down.

 

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What my autistic child wishes for you to know

By on February 12, 2013 in Autism

What does my autistic child wish for you to know?

He’s a kid.

What? You were expecting me to say that he has special needs, he sometimes needs a little extra patience from you, a little less judgment, that sometimes he really is so focused on something that he doesn’t hear you, that sometimes he has meltdowns that may seem to be happening for no reason to you, that he’s not really like that guy in the last Hollywood movie or TV show you saw that had some guy with autism?

See, you already know those things. Even if you don’t know much about autism, you know those things. It’s why you expected me and anyone else who writes a “what my autistic child wants you to know” article to list things like that, maybe in hopes that we’d mention something new or say something in some new better or more enlightening way.

kidsThe truth is, the one simple and honest to goodness truth is, which is the one simple thing that so many people seem to forget, for what ever reason, is that a kid is a kid.

All children need extra patience. All children should be judgment free. All children should be able and encouraged to focus on what they love sometimes.

I could go on and on but having a child with autism hasn’t made me realize how much more I need to do for him, it’s made me realize how much more I can do for him, for my other son and for all children.

When I go to my kid’s school and see other children, they say “Hi Mr Duncan!” because they know me. Some can’t speak and give me a wave. It’s because I help them when they need it. Because I smile at them and for them, even when it may seem like they’re not looking my way. Because I see a child. Not a troubled child, not a special child, not a slow child, not a disabled child…  just a child being a child.

And it’s awesome.

I could argue that because my son has autism, it’s made me a better parent and even a better person in general because all of those things you thought I was going to say about autism, while true, have helped me to realize that those are all things that I should be applying to my other child as well and to all children.

So I’m not going to give you a long bullet point list of behaviors, clinical mumbo jumbo or anything else because there’s a bunch of those articles already out there. And even though I’m not doing that, I do encourage you to find them and check them out. More than one, as they all have something the others don’t.

And then when you’re done reading them, consider this… how can you apply what you now know to all children?

So stop looking at a child as “weird” or “not normal” or as “a problem” and stop thinking about how terrible the parent is because the child is not as you would expect them to be. Because yes, that child may have autism but you know what, it doesn’t matter.

Because a kid is a kid. And when you learn how to best understand, accept, respect and encourage the most needing of children, you can then apply that to all children.

They’ll be better off for it and so will you.

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