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An attempt to make “autistic” into the new r-word

By on March 16, 2012 in Autism

If you are in the autism community in some form or another, chances are that you’ve already heard all about the uproar surrounding the new 21 Jump Street movie… if not, keep reading.

So 21 Jump Street was a rather popular television show back in the day, in fact, it launched the career of several people including Johnny Depp.. and one other person quite well known within the autism community, Holly R. Peete.

Now, they’re making a movie by the same name but instead of teenage angst, real life, drama and emotion, it’s a ridiculously stupid comedy filled with cheap laughs.

Don’t get me wrong, I happen to love stupid comedies. I laugh even at cheap laughs.

The problem is that in one particular trailer, the one guy looks at a chart that his officers made and says “That looks like s#!t. What are you, autistic?”

Enter the uproar.

You can see it for yourself, it happens around the 3:31 mark:

?t=3m31s

At this point, I want you to re-watch it and this time, imagine he’s saying the word “retarded” in place of autistic. See now what their intention was?

This is simply not ok. This is simply wrong.

There’s many reasons, but let’s look at two of them:

First of all, anyone who knows anything about autistics knows that, while not all autistics are super organized or particularly amazing at building charts… if you were going to go by the stereotype, as is the intention here, you’d expect that thing to be freakin immaculate. Let me put it this way, if they are going for the whole rain man of over the top stereotypical, stupidly, outrageously funny offensive things to say about autistics, that thing would have been the best damn chart anyone has ever seen.

So ya, they clearly don’t even know what they’re talking about if they can’t get the stereotype right… not that it would have been right either but certainly closer to some semblance of reality.

Secondly, this opens a door that starts a journey down a very dark road. Stereotypes, innuendo and hate in general don’t start out at full force… it starts small.

And if this is the type of precedent they’re trying to set for stereotypical movie humour about autism… let’s just say that none of us would want to see where that road will lead.

I’m all for overly exhagerated stereotypes in search of a laugh… I’m all for the extremely over done ridiculousness of what is real in an attempt to get a chuckle… but this is not ok.

For the record, Holly R. Peete, who makes a cameo in the new movie, has said that she had read the script in advance and that line was not in there at the time.

On Twitter, she said:

So thrilled that #21Jumpstreet is getting such critical acclaim- The show brand means everything to me-so proud to an OG but as a mom of a son w/ autism I’d be totally disingenuous to say I was not bothered by the use of the word “autistic” in the film. I’ve reached out to Sony PR & co-director Phil Lords re:why the choice of “autistic” as a punchline is so upsetting to our community.
Phil Lord co-director of #21Jumpstreet said re: “autistic” line: “We set out to make a funny, irreverent & outrageous movie but not to hurt anyone’s feelings. Our stars are the butt of all our jokes and we feel terrible and deeply sorry that anyone would feel otherwise.”

You can read the tweets here:

https://twitter.com/#!/hollyrpeete/status/180375413527298049
https://twitter.com/#!/hollyrpeete/status/180376189796487168
https://twitter.com/#!/hollyrpeete/status/180383033591992321

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Knock knock

By on March 15, 2012 in Autism

I am simply amazed at how Mike has improved in social situations. Take last night for example. We went to Applebee’s to celebrate my brother-in-law’s 50th birthday; a table for 20. Applebee’s, like so many other restaurants is a busy, noisy place with big screen TVs all around and lots of clapping, happy-birthday-singing wait staff scurrying in all directions. A perfect place for a melt-down if ever there was one, and he’s had a few there in years past. I sat next to Mike, who sat next to one of his uncles; this put us near the center of this large gathering. Throughout the night Michael made many attempts to tell his newly acquired Knock-Knock Jokes:

Mike: Can I make you laugh?
Uncle Rob: Sure.
Mike: Knock knock…
Uncle Rob: Who’s there?
Mike: Jamaica
Uncle Rob: Jamaica who?
Mike: Jamaica me crazy!

Now, I know that he was surrounded by family, who know more about Autism and developmental disabilities than most, and that Mike may simply be repeating a pleasurable activity, but I see how he interacts with others, and amazed at how this compares to his lack of interaction with others just a few years ago. Fortunately or not, Mike has a younger cousin with developmental disabilities. I bring this up only to highlight in my mind and in the minds of many members of our family how far Mike has come, and it is Mike’s development that gives us and our extended family hope for the future.

He proceeded to tell this joke and another to his younger cousin as well.

Later in the evening, he accidentally spilled a glass of milk on the table, which eventually spilled on to both his brother’s and my lap. “Dad, I am so sorry. I can’t believe how clumsy I am!” His reaction and intonation were so spot on; properly emphasizing the word ‘so’. There was no anxiety, nor any withdrawal from the situattion.

I give a lot of credit to his school, the Rosemary Kennedy Center in Bellmore, NY, where he’s attended the last two and a half years, and his socialization class on Saturdays at Helping Hands Behavioral Outreach in Melville, NY where he’s been going for 5 years. Both have been instrumental in teaching and modeling appropriate behavior and have been models of consistency. Another factor which has helped him progress is his language; he is able to build upon his vocabulary. I am convinced that his ability to communicate verbally will be the only determining factor in how far he can go in school and life.

Mind you, this is only a step along the way. We still have to remind Mike to say hello and goodbye to others oftentimes, but I am confident that he’ll master those independently one day. In the meantime, when told to say goodnight at the end of the dinner, he promptly turned to the restaurant crowd, waved, and said, “Goodbye everyone!”

The kid knows how to make an exit and an impression.

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Sleeping with autism

By on March 5, 2012 in Autism

By the title, you’d probably be expecting a post on how some children with autism struggle to sleep through the night or what techniques people use to get more consistent sleeping patterns… actually, this post isn’t about that.

Actually, what I do want to write about is something a bit unexpected, not a huge surprise but certainly wonderful. See, if you were to check in on my boys right now (at night), you’d see that they’re both crammed into one single little bed, asleep together.

Don’t want to sleep alone

My boys have always slept in the dark, in the quiet and on their own. We’ve never used night lights or anything and so they’ve never had any issues with needs or fears. They just go to bed at bed time and that’s that.

However, recently, my little one (Tyler, 4) has been asking that he have someone sleep with him. Usually me but sometimes my wife. It’s not because he’s scared… he just wants us with him.

Now, these are small beds… I don’t fit in one when I’m by myself, much less with a child beside me.

So there has been a couple of times that I’ve laid with him, usually I can’t because I have other things to do and then some other times I just won’t because I don’t want him becoming dependent on that sort of thing happening every night.

Autism and Empathy

Cameron and Tyler

Cameron and Tyler

This is where his big brother, Cameron (6 with autism) comes in.

The other night, I went to check on them and they were both crammed into Tyler’s bed. It wasn’t pretty. Neither one of them stays still for long in their sleep.

The next day, I asked him why he was in Tyler’s bed and he said “I just wanted to make Tyler happy.”

Now, there are strange rumours and beliefs by some people that people with autism, especially children, lack empathy. Meaning that they can’t understand how others feels, don’t identify with them and most absurdly… don’t care. This is obviously not true. I mean, not always… there certainly can be times that they won’t understand or even care, just like anyone, but when you add it all up, it’s not true that autistics are completely incapable of it.

This was certainly a great testament to that… Cameron, wanting to make his little brother happy, got out of bed and climbed in with Tyler so that he could have someone to sleep with.

They don’t do it often, thankfully, but when Tyler is really upset about it, Cameron goes on over and hops into Tyler’s bed. How can I get upset about that?

It’s awesome!

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Opinions

By on February 28, 2012 in Autism

My 13-year-old son Alex and I get into the elevator with a neighbor. Perfectly normal thing to do after the end of a perfectly normal day. The door slides shut and the neighbor says, “Five, please” when I ask what floor she wants. Then perfect normalcy ends.

This violates my new rule of avoiding, if I can, elevators with neighbors when I’m riding with Alex. He still presses the buttons for a load of extra floors.

Alex, who has autism, presses three (not our floor) and nine (our floor). “Alex, press five, please.”
“Noooo!” he says. “Alex, press five.” “Noooo!”

Once, I would’ve felt the neighbor’s eyes on my back. I don’t this time. I try to press five and Alex grabs my hand; my other hand holds a grocery bag. “Alex, press five now.”

“Noooo!”

I could put down the bag and, suddenly needing both my arms for this 13-year-old, force his hand to the five button. I guess I still feel the eyes for a moment, though, because I don’t force his hand.

We get to three. Alex dashes to the door, in front of the neighbor, and stares out. He curls the fingers of two hands to make his own 3.

Eventually we get to five. I forget how, but I may have pressed the button myself. “Have a good night,” I say to the neighbor. “Take it easy,” she says. “Take it easy,” Alex says.

Alex, walk this way…  Alex, press five, please…  Those times he doesn’t, I grunt like Basil Fawlty in comedic exasperation even as I know that whatever Alex is doing is no passing instant but the way things are and the way they’re going to be. I’m getting plain old pissed at the idea that not every parent has a son who’s going to have to be a grown-up amid the wreckage of our special-needs budgets. Some doctor put it best 14 years ago: “You’re at the mercy of everybody with an opinion.” At that time, I believed he was talking about just Alex’s year in a hospital. Now I think he was talking about the rest of Alex’s life.

What must people must think when they see Alex? I pity the parents. Why do they let him do that? Why don’t they find a home for him somewhere?

He has a home. The opinions we have of him there will do for now.

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Do what you need to do, I won’t sue

By on February 16, 2012 in Autism, Parenting

I often hear horror stories in the news, from other teachers and all over the internet about parents being in some epic battle with their child’s school or day care because their child had to be restrained, separated from others or other cases like that.

Most of the time, everyone sides with the parent in a unanimous cry of outrage in the complete and total mistreatment of their child. Most of the time, that comes with very little information as the schools are often unable to comment on the situation, same with any enforcement personnel. This means that we only have the parent’s information to go on.

I won’t argue however that most of the time, that’s all we really need. What’s wrong is wrong.

Still though, this creates a situation in society that basically ties the hands of those teachers and care givers should they truly have the right or need to handle a situation where those circumstances arise.

Dear care givers

What I’m trying to say is, if you care for my child and he is in danger of hurting himself or someone else, please do restrain him. Please do send him for a time out, even to some other room if need be.

I won’t sue. I won’t call the media.

If my son hurts himself… in a private area… please do check it out. He’s hurt, he needs attention, give it to him. I understand that it’s not sexual, I understand that you have his and my best interests at heart.

I won’t sue. I won’t call the media.

But be warned

If my trust is abused or my understanding is taken advantage of, I will hunt down the person and make sure that no one finds them until skyscrapers start going up in remote parts of northern Canada.

My children are that important to me… but they’re also that important to me that I don’t want to see his care givers afraid to touch them for fear of me being the type of parent to make it a national news story.

time out chairThe reality

The reality is that when my son completely loses it and hurts himself or his little brother, or is breaking things, or is just generally out of control… I will put him in his room. I will drag him there if I have to.

And I fully understand… no, I expect… that anyone else that I have entrusted with the responsibility of watching him would do the same.

I won’t call it barbarism when someone does the exact same thing that I would have done in the same situation. I won’t give my story to the first reporter that will listen to me.

The reality is that I understand how it’s come to this but I also feel disappointed that it has.

Somewhere, lines have blurred… and it’s often due to those who take advantage of the situation or react too harshly to the situation. Those care givers who go overboard and actually hit a child, or do something else that is completely inappropriate.

There’s also the “not knowing” that we must face… since our children aren’t great at relaying the details, we have to just hope that the teacher’s telling the truth. And if they did do something wrong, what would be the likelihood of that?

In a perfect society, every person that comes into contact with a child would be certified do-gooders with halos and wings that could never do any harm… but there is no perfect society and that leaves us skeptical and scared.

But I refuse to hand cuff those who care for my children by never letting them do what I would do myself to ensure their safety.

If I wouldn’t do it, damn straight I won’t let them do it. But if I would take an action, such as dragging my kid, kicking and screaming to a time out… then I fully support his teachers/care givers doing the same.

I know a lot of parents won’t agree with me, or simply aren’t willing to let “strangers” do those sorts of things… I can understand that. But it is how I am and how I feel about it. If I don’t trust the person that my son is with, he won’t be with that person. It’s that simple.

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