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What if I fail even just one time – on Minecraft, autism, bullying and suicide

By on March 25, 2014 in Autism

I wrote recently, a plea to the Minecraft community from the autism community for help on April 2nd because I had received not one but two messages from children that were ready to take that final action, suicide. They’re both great kids but their lives are plagued by bullies. It affected me, I became emotional and that post was the result.

bullying - suicide

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Monday morning, the start of a brand new week and first thing in the morning, another child was on the server, demolishing his buildings, giving away all his belongings and talking of committing suicide. The difference this time being that he refused to talk to me in private. 3 hours of talking to him and working with him and eventually he was building again and feeling better again… and it was all made public for the whole server to see.

On average, using my best math and recollection, I’ve had a conversation like this with a child at least once a week since I started the server just about 9 months ago. This is the first time that it’s been in front of everyone.

Perhaps it’s because it was public that, for the first time, I started to ask myself, what if I fail? Even just one time… what if I can’t help? Maybe I already have and just never got word about it. But what if I do fail and I do get an email. What then? What will I feel? How will I react? What will I do?

I’ll be honest, a million answers run through my mind and the majority of them are not good. But I feel that I can’t honestly even pretend to know. If 2 great kids coming to me in one week can catch me off guard the way it did, then getting such terrible news could only be worse, right?

The more I think about it though, the more I realize that there’s only two things I know for certain.

1. In 9 months, 3700 people with autism have joined my server. 3700 children that are bullied on every other server they try. There should not be 3700 in total much less that many in 9 months. And my server has only been spread by word of mouth. These numbers should be alarming to you.

2. I am going to fail eventually. Even the best, most well trained professionals can’t save every person that has reached that level of desperation. Me? Well, I’m not trained and I’m certainly not a professional. The law of averages is working against me in this case as the reality of it is, I can only keep doing this for so long before I find myself facing down a parent’s last email to me.

I can’t even begin to tell you how terrifying that is to me.

It’s time to get proactive.

Instead of sitting back and waiting for that to happen I’m going to try my best to motivate enough people into taking action on this.

What I need is to reach as many Minecraft players as I can. Whether you make videos, live stream or just play on servers with others to please speak up on April 2nd, Autism Awareness Day and tell the world that you are taking a stand against bullying.

Then, every day after, when you see someone being treated unfairly, rudely, brutally or in any other manner that resembles a form of bullying, don’t just turn away… please, say something.

Let those bullies know that you are not ok with how they are treating others and that it’s not going to be tolerated any more.

Don’t just do this because it’s the nice thing to do and certainly don’t do it as a favor to me… do it for those children that should never even be thinking these terrible thoughts much less ending their own lives before they ever had a chance to really truly live them.

Bullying doesn’t just target autistics, that’s true, but autistics get it far worse. As we all know, bullies prey on those that are different somehow and being different pretty much defines the autistic experience. This is why this is my focus and this is why I encourage you to speak out collectively on Autism Awareness Day but the truth is that this is for everyone that has ever been bullied everywhere.

By doing this, by speaking up even just one time, you could be saving someone’s life. All they need to know is that someone cares and that there’s more to life than just the bullies.

Please spread the word. Please help.

Comments { 9 }

Destroying the term “special needs”

By on March 24, 2014 in Autism

uwe-quote-jpg“Special needs children” is the all encompassing term used to describe all children that have a disability or disorder. What it implies is, and this is where people start to see “special needs” people as a burden, is that special accommodations are needed just to make life easier for “special needs” people.

An example of this is when a library spends a bunch of money to put in a ramp along side their entrance stairs so that a person in a wheelchair can get in. An architect, disability specialist/advocate, contractor, construction team and a whole host of other people and costs are all put towards getting in this ramp to help out a few out of the thousands of people that visit that library each day.

As more and more libraries get on board with his “affirmative action”, we start to see more and more libraries with this “convenient” ramp at it’s entrance and we smile to ourselves as society is finally starting to do something for these poor “special needs” people that need that little bit extra.

Yuck.

Let’s flip this around and look at it from another point of view.

Imagine a world where no one was considered special but instead, as people. And as the first library starts to go up, the designers and planners say to each other “well, we have blind people so there’ll be braille, we have people in wheelchairs so there’ll be ramps with stairs over here, we have people that require animal assistance so we’ll make sure the floors are safe for them…” and on and on. The second library follows suit, then the next and then the next.

No one thinks twice about it.

Then one day you’re travelling to a place you’ve never been before and you come across a library that has no ramps or braille or any of that stuff. How shocking would that be?!?! What an abomination that would be to every ounce of common sense that you were raised with in believing that libraries were just made for everyone… not to exclude anyone.

No one would question this library for it’s lack of accommodation… they would judge it, quite harshly, for it’s shutting people out. Not “special needs” people, but people. Just… people. 

If only that could be how it is, right?

The library example is just one example out of billions but in the end, what it comes down to is that no one has “special needs”, we just have needs.

I have needs, you have needs, we all have needs. We all want access to the same things, we all want to read and watch and do the same things. Some people just do it differently than others but that doesn’t make it a special need. It makes it the same need that someone somewhere hadn’t thought about putting into their designs or, worse, just left out of their designs because they either didn’t care or didn’t want to spend that little extra on “accommodation.”

We can’t go back and tell those libraries to get it right the first time, although it really would be great, but we can work to fix these things so that future generations don’t have to think of anyone as needing something special done to give them special help to their special need.

One day, one generation of people will find it odd to have a movie without a subtitle option, or a library without ramp, or a debate/discussion without transcripts or sign language accompaniment, or a bus without wheelchair access or a building that doesn’t allow guide dogs or….  well, I could go on. One day, instead of finding it pleasantly surprising to find places that have all these things, people will find it disgustingly surprising to find a place that doesn’t.

That probably won’t be in my lifetime but it’s a good dream to have. I just wish everyone shared it.

Get it right in the first place and there’ll be no more “special needs”… only similar needs that people achieve differently.

Comments { 5 }

This is a plea to the Minecraft community from the autism community for help on April 2nd.

By on March 19, 2014 in Autism
Creeper On your Dessssssktop 2 by BrotherPrime

Creeper On your Dessssssktop 2
by BrotherPrime

This is a plea to the Minecraft Community from myself and the Autism Community, whether you are with Mojang, or you create videos for Youtube, do live streams or just play on servers with other people, I beg you for just a moment of your time.

Recent studies show that children with autism are 4 times more likely to be bullied than anyone else. And although research can’t ever rate such a thing, I can assure you that the severity of the bullying is far worse as well. These studies are done in schools and playgrounds. But if I were to guess, I’d imagine these numbers to be far, far worse in the Minecraft Community.

I started my server for children with autism less than 9 months ago and in that time, I watched our whitelist skyrocket to over 3600 people. Each of them with the same story… they were bullied on every server they went to.

Just last night, a new player said ‘this is the only server i have found without being judged for being “different”‘.

This is just not ok.

I am a grown man with 2 children of my own. I can’t remember the last time I cried. Maybe when I was 6? But I can honestly tell you, with no shame, that I couldn’t help but cry last night as I had received the 2nd email in less than a week as 2 separate children were reaching out to me because they had a knife in their hand and they were done. They’re hurting themselves, their parents can’t help them, they’re bullied and beaten every single day, they have no friends and they can’t take it anymore. They seek solice with the game they love but on every server they try, they find more of the same. They’re griefed repeatedly, killed constantly and people say the absolute worst, most hurtful things they can say to them. Sometimes it’s even from the server admins.

Each of their messages to me finish the same… “I feel like you’re the only one I can talk to AF”.

Something in me broke. I couldn’t hold it back anymore. It really hurt and I cried.

If I was to average it out, I’d say that I’ve received a message from a different child at least once every week since starting the server 9 months ago. Just 1 child, emailing a server owner, reaching out because they can’t take the abuse anymore, is too many. But once a week for 9 months?

It shouldn’t be like this. We have to do better.

So on April 2nd, Autism Awareness Day, I’m asking… no, I’m begging, the Minecraft Community to stand up with the Autism Community and declare that it’s time to put an end to bullying. Bullying of autistics, bullying of anyone that’s different and bullying in general.

Proclaim it in your livestreams, in your videos, in your blogs, press releases and even on the servers that you go to that bullying is wrong.

And if you see someone being bullied, speak up. Don’t be afraid. You tell them that bullying doesn’t belong here and it’s not going to be tolerated anymore.

Please, I can’t do this on my own anymore. I will always be here for these kids when they need me but they shouldn’t have to need me. They shouldn’t have to come to my server to find someplace safe to play. They shouldn’t have to feel so scared.

The Minecraft community is incredible. I know it, I’ve seen it. I love being a part of it. But we can do better.

Please, as the owner of a server that I wish had never been successful in the first place, that I wish had never been needed to be created in the first place, as a fellow Minecraft player, as a father, as an autistic myself, as the father of an autistic child and as a friend… please help me.

If just one person is bullied just one time less than they would have been before, sure, it might not change the world but it’s a start. It means everything.

Please help. On April 2nd, let’s do better.

On Autism Awareness Day, let’s do more than just raise awareness.

Stuart Duncan (aka AutismFather)
Owner of Autcraft

Comments { 36 }

When you have a teenager sibling that is driving you crazy

By on March 18, 2014 in Autism

frustratedI received a request for advice recently from a rather frustrated sibling who’s brother seemed to be doing well… until he hit puberty. Since then he’s peaked, maybe regressed, diet went downhill and has become aggressive, with yelling and breaking things.

If only I could say that the teenage years are supposed to go smoothly… if only I could say that there was some kind of therapy, or words of wisdom or even a pill that could make it so that everything would settle down and… and be normal. And I’m still talking about a neurotypical teen here. It’s infinitely more complicated with a teenager that has autism. And I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, but you’re going to have to be the strong one and be there for them and ride it out and hopefully go back to how things were on the other side.

The autistic mind is an over active mind. Brain scans will prove it but you just need to be with an autistic for a while to see it. Lack of sleep, constantly obsessing over what they love, needing to stim constantly… there is no off switch. There is no slowing down the activity of an autistic mind.

When puberty hits, as it does for anyone, the chemicals and hormones of a person go radically out of balance and changes start taking place from head to toe. Emotional states shift wildly, the mind goes on overload and the body sends rapid signals too fast for the brain to handle as if it wasn’t already overloaded already.

When your brain is set to speed times 2 and it never turns off and you have to go through all of that… let’s just say that it can be a lot to handle for anyone.

It’s easy to become frustrated with them when it’s been happening for years now, it’s getting worse instead of better and it seems like there is no end. But the teen years are finite. Puberty doesn’t last forever. And as difficult as it is to remember year after year… your teenage autistic sibling is far more frustrated than you are. They have it much worse than you right now.

At the same time, when you have all of that going on and you just wish you could fix it, you just wish you could make them all better, you start to get frustrated with your parents, with the therapists, with the people who make the drugs that are supposed to calm you down, with the teachers… and on and on. Why isn’t anyone helping? Why isn’t anyone trying harder? Why are they doing such stupid things with their dumb ideas and only making things worse?

You have to realize that they care too. And they probably understand what is going on much more than you realize. But they are as frustrated as you are. They just as powerless as you.

I have only two words of advice on this…

First, on their wild roller coaster of emotions and attitudes and outbursts, there will be down times. Times of regret, hurt and defeat. They may be momentary and they may be a lot less frequent than all the other emotional states they will be in but in those moments, they will need their siblings to be their rock. They will need their siblings to be their role model. The ones to see them through this. The ones to never give up on them no matter how hard it gets.

Second, as much as it feels like it will last forever, it really won’t. I won’t lie to you, in all these chemical imbalances and changes, people don’t always come out the other side better off. Sometimes there is regression, especially for those with autism and they may become more secluded. But most often, with someone to see them through it, they stabilize and mature and move beyond that and forever remember the brother/sister that was there for them.

This might not be the advice you’re looking for but honestly, other than learning some coping techniques to handle aggressive behaviors or in handling your frustrations and such, this is just something that you’re going to have to do. You either decide to walk away because it’s too much or you stick it out and you be there for them.

Either way, don’t judge them for it. Certainly don’t hate them for it. This is beyond their control and not something they’d wish on anyone, certainly not themselves and certainly not you.

I leave you with some links that provides more insight on how teens with autism will change, behave, grow and even may give some insight on how to help out.

Comments { 0 }

The Happy Birthday Colin fan page vs the ghost of Christmas future

By on February 19, 2014 in Autism

I’m sure you’ve heard of it by now but if not, there’s a Facebok fan page out there called Happy Birthday Colin that a mother created for her son to prove to him that there are caring people in the world. To best explain it is to use her own words from it’s title status:

I am Colin’s mom, I created this page for my amazing, wonderful, challenging son who is about to turn 11 on March 9th. Because of Colin’s disabilities, social skills are not easy for him, and he often acts out in school, and the other kids don’t like him. So when I asked him if he wanted a party for his birthday, he said there wasn’t a point because he has no friends. He eats lunch alone in the office everyday because no one will let him sit with them, and rather than force someone to be unhappy with his presence, he sits alone in the office. So I thought, if I could create a page where people could send him positive thoughts and encouraging words, that would be better than any birthday party. Please join me in making my very original son feel special on his day.

It’s a nice gesture, a well intentioned thought. And the response has been incredible. Their fan page just hit over 2,000,000 likes as of the time of this writing, which is more than most Hollywood celebrities get. They also get a lot of mail delivered to their local post office, again, more than most Hollywood celebrities. Naturally, this will be rather short lived as he’s not a Hollywood celebrity and his birthday is just one day and basically, his 15 minutes are finite.

However, as it circulated through out the social media world and the news media, many people took up arms and went on the attack against this well intentioned thought. The idea that a mother would make her son a celebrity based on the fact that he has no friends is going to leave a mark on his soul that can never be erased. The fan page might be removed one day and his 15 minutes will be up at some point but those news stories will live on and the history of what she did and what was said will live on forever. And he’ll have to live with that.

GhostOfChristmasFutureScrooged400Those people refuse to ‘like’ his page. They have no problem though with blogging and writing about how terrible the mom is. They have no problem with predicting a very dark and grim future for Colin.

I have a few questions though. What sort of rosey, magical rainbow paradise are you picturing this kid is going to live in when he’s older if only this fan page didn’t exist? Do you honestly think the bullies will just go away as he gets older? Do you honestly think that he’ll just one day start making all kinds of friends for no real reason other than him being older?

Don’t get me wrong, yes I think people will find this page or it’s story in the future and yes, some will likely even laugh at him for it or maybe even use it against him in some way. But do you honestly think people that would do be so mean really even need it? Do you honestly think that a bully, wanting to hurt someone for no other reason than for the enjoyment it brings them to make someone suffer, would take the time to surf the web and drum up decades old info to use on someone?

Let me put it another way, if this mom hadn’t done this, do you honestly think that a bully would think to himself “well, I didn’t find anything about him on Facebook, I guess I just won’t bother him.”?

No, a bully is a bully and they’ll make something up if they don’t have the ammo they need. A person that would laugh at someone else because of something embarrassing his mother did to him as a kid is a person that is going to laugh at you for no good reason at all. A potential boss that decides on whether or not to hire you based on stuff from your childhood? Not worth working for. Anyone that would judge you because you had a rough childhood or worse, because you had a mom that did something so incredible for you even if it was embarrassing? Those people aren’t worth knowing.

You are not the ghost of Christmas future anymore than I am. However, there are a few things that I do know.

1. Parents embarrass us. It’s just the way it is. It’s like it’s their job. They hug and kiss their kids in public, they wear old outdated clothes, they don’t understand the latest slang or music and they go over the top to show their love sometimes. It’s what parents do. No, not usually to the tune of 2,000,000 Facebook fans but honestly, to a kid, does it feel less embarrassing when your mom shows people a picture of you in your underwear or naked in the tub?

2. Bullies don’t disappear just because your parents shelter you from them. This mom could stay out of this kid’s life completely but he’ll still have no friends. He will still get bullied. She could be the most perfect parent on the planet and do everything right and he’ll still have no friends. The bullies will still be there. During his birthday, as he gets older and later in life… whether she makes a Facebook fan page or not, the bullies will be there.

Listen, the phrase “it gets better” is true but it’s not because our parents hide us better or because the bullies or bad people go away, it’s because we grow up. We begin to understand that those bad people have no power over us and that it only ever felt like it did because we allowed them to have that power. It does get better but not because of anything anyone else does, it’s because we just won’t take it anymore. We get stronger.

Telling this mom that she did something terrible by doing this? That makes you the bully. Telling this kid that the bullying doesn’t stop and that he’ll have no friends in the future? That makes me the bully.

But whether his mom embarrasses him, or whether you rip into her for it or whether I tell him the future is still pretty sucky… none of that matters. It’s on Colin. Just like it was on you, me and everyone else. We need to be the ones that love our parents for embarrassing us like they did because of just how much they loved us. And we’re lucky to have that. We need to be the ones to stand up and say that those bullies are wrong and worthless and have no power over us. We need to be the ones to say that it’s going to get better because we say so. Not anyone else.

You can judge this mom all you want but don’t do it from your pedestal of mystical foresight as if your best guesses of what the future will bring are some cold hard facts when you know full well that you hate it when other people do that to you as they dissect your every parental decision. Don’t be a hypocrite. Don’t be the person you hate when this stuff happens to you.

Finally, consider this.

What if your message hit home, not just with this mom but with every parent every where and collectively we all stopped doing every single “well intentioned” thing we could do for our children for fear of what a bully might say later in life.

What then?
Did you win?
Or did the bullies?

Comments { 3 }