Inspiration and Insecurity – The eternal tug of war with greatness

By on September 23, 2013 in Autism

greatnessIt is my firm belief that we all have greatness within us. Not everyone lives up to it, some people never try and others embrace it and go on to become known for their greatness.

Greatness, to me, is like energy in the universe. It’s never really created or destroyed. You can only add to or take away what you can do with it. In our case, it’s belief. Either we believe we have greatness within us or we don’t.

I often say that it’s not inspiration that makes you great, it simply helps you to see the greatness that is already within you. You believe a little bit more than you did before. That’s what I try to do. I don’t want to make you great, I just want to help you see that you already are.

Insecurity, on the other hand, is usually what keeps us from believing it. We doubt yourselves, we question ourselves, we refuse to believe others that tell us we’re great and the worst is when we’re bullied. And bullying comes in many forms including friends, parents, teachers and so forth when they tell us that we can’t do something or that we shouldn’t try or even make totally random comments just in our general presence that make us feel a little less important that we should. Our greatest bully though, is ourselves. When we dwell on something we did wrong or shouldn’t have said or we just sit and think about life in general… we bully ourselves so bad and tell ourselves the worst things sometimes.

But none of that, not the inspirational stuff nor even the insecurities will ever take that greatness away from you. Nothing can! It is there, it will always be there and not anyone can take it away or make it more or less than what it is. It’s in you.

The only thing that can change is whether or not you believe it. You believe it when you’re inspired, you don’t believe it when you’re feeling insecure. You believe it when you try something and it works but you don’t believe it when you try something and you fail. It doesn’t matter what you’re feeling or trying, that greatness will always be within you. It doesn’t change.

It’s up to you to decide what you will do with it. You need to understand that you don’t need inspiration and you definitely don’t need those insecurities.

All you need is who you are.
Because you’re great!

 

I know, you’re thinking that this isn’t really an autism post but in a way it sort of is. You see, I didn’t specify autism or any other special needs because I believe greatness lies within us all, regardless of gender, skin colour, medical condition or special needs. There’s greatness there. Realize your potential.

Don’t wait for someone to inspire you to recognize the greatness that is within you and certainly don’t let anyone make you bury it under it a mountain of insecurity.
Unleash it.

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Why my child needs to know that he has autism

By on September 18, 2013 in Autism

I am an adult with Aspergers but I wasn’t always. Before I was diagnosed, at 36 years of age, I was an adult that was very confused, I had no self esteem and I was always extremely depressed. Before that, I was a child that was very confused, with no self esteem and depressed.

For the better part of my life, I struggled with my work, relationships, school, my appearance, friends… let’s just say that I struggled with everything. I hated life. But the part that I hated most was the feeling where, it’s not just that I didn’t fit in, I was the same as everyone else but I simply could not make anything in my life work right no matter how hard I tried and no kind words, medication, self help books or anything else could fix it. No one could tell me… what was wrong with me?!?!

Now, before I continue, if any of my family is reading this and it starts to make you feel like you let me down, don’t. You didn’t know, I didn’t know, no one knew. And considering how mixed up and down I was feeling that whole time and the fact that I’m still here, I’d say you did great!

My 3 greatest fears in life, listed least to most are:

  1. Death
  2. Being alone
  3. Feeling alone despite being with people and not knowing why

AloneWhen my son was first diagnosed with autism, I came to realize that many of his experiences mimicked my experiences. I wasn’t just reliving my youth the way a parent does through their children, I was reliving my heartaches. A lot of my past was suddenly explained to me as I started to put the pieces together. This was amplified a hundred fold when I was actually diagnosed. To this day I don’t know why but somehow, making it official, really opened my eyes to a lot in my life that had, up until then, remained unanswered.

I was bullied, I had few friends, I had bizarre obsessions and habits, I never wanted to leave my room and I remember every detail of every event that caused me pain, whether physical or mental. For example, I remember how I got the scar on my knee when I was 2 and I remember very well how I felt when my mom told me that I told an inappropriate joke before I was old enough to know it was an inappropriate joke. I felt terrible!

Still, I can take all that and more (which I am not about to list on a public blog) and very confidently say that it doesn’t even come close to the very overwhelmingly sinking and crushing feeling of being so completely and totally alone while with people that love you and want nothing more than for you to just feel good about yourself for once.

If this was a YouTube video, I’m sure most of their viewers would read that last bit and then comment to tell me that I’m just a moron and should just smarten up and listen to those people.  In a way, this is a good thing because it tells me that those people, and probably most people really, will never know just what that feels like and how impossible it is to do. That’s good, I think. I would hope that most people never really understand how that feels.

I’ve talked to a lot of people that are either waiting to or hoping to never tell their child that they have autism. They fear labels and they do not want to make them feel like they’re different or that there is something wrong with them. I get that, I really do, but take it from someone that’s been there and done that, they know. Believe me, unless your child is still two or three years old, they know.  But they can’t quantify it nor explain it and if it affects them even a bit like it did me, then they most definitely do think that there is something wrong with them.

Now, I want to stop right here and say that I know full well that all people are different, all lives are different and just because my upbringing was as I describe it, it is in no way a certainty that anyone else’s life would be the same. Still though, in my acceptance of this fact, I must also insist that you accept the fact that maybe, just maybe, it could turn out the same.

When you feel like you can’t ever have friends, you can never do anything right, everyone gets to be happy except you, talking to people comes easy to everyone but you, you’re a bully magnet, you can’t do or say anything right and life in general seems to not work for you, at all, ever, you KNOW you are different. You KNOW that something is wrong with you. But what you don’t know is why. And not knowing why is the scariest, most lonely feeling in the world.

I need to base my decision on my previous experience. I need to know that my greatest fears and feelings are something that I do not pass on to my son. I know now that I can’t protect him by keeping the truth from him.

My child needs to know because not knowing is a pain that I could never wish on anyone.

What he does with that knowledge is up to him. Will he come to accept that there really is nothing wrong with him, as I have? Having autism and being different doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you.  Will he seek out guidance and therapies to help him with friendships, work, love and life? I do not know. But at least now he’ll know what kind of help he’s looking for. I didn’t have that.

My greatest wish for my son, and everyone really, is to accept and love yourself. But how can a person accept and love them self if they never really know who they are?

 

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Attempted murder – Seeking justice both after and before the fact

By on September 6, 2013 in Autism

lady justiceThere seems to be two reactions to the Stapleton story:

1. The search for justice and the need to place blame where blame is deserved.
2. The need to know how this happened and how to prevent it from happening again.

These are both good reactions. Both of these things need to happen. Kelli needs to be held accountable. Every murderer/attempted murderer does. But also, if she wasn’t ever the type of person to do that before, and now she is, we need to know how that happened.

The difference I’m seeing here, however, is that group 1 is outright attacking group 2 but not the other way around. I can only assume that this is because, instead of raising pitch forks and being outraged, those that seek out more answers are seen as some how supporting Kelli or at least, not blaming her. As if the need to seek out an explanation as to how this happened is seen as an attempt to find a reason to let her off the hook. It’s not.

I am in group 2. And here’s why:

I know Kelli is at fault. I know she’s wrong. I don’t blame anyone but her. I don’t now nor can I ever forgive her for making her decision no matter what brought her to that point. So in my mind, that’s taken care of. I don’t need to write about it. Besides, the authorities haven’t even had time to pick up a pen yet… so let’s see where they go with this. If somehow she is excused… then please, pass me a pitch fork.

Until then, is there another mother, or father, maybe I know them, or maybe I don’t, that I may be reading about in the news tomorrow when I thought they were fine yesterday? How can I know? What should I be aware of? How can I prevent it?

You can hate me because I didn’t write about how terrible she is, or how evil any parent is that would do this, and you can certainly think I’m just being diplomatic if you have to.

Whether you think I’m doing right or wrong, I still support you and back you and think it’s great if you are outraged and want to see Kelli hang for this (proverbially or literally). Please do. More.

While you’re doing that though, let me see if I can find a way to stop the next child from facing a similar fate.

The way I see it, hating Kelli for what she did (and yes, I really do) isn’t going to stop it from happening to someone else.

I missed this one. I let Issy down.

I need to know how to not miss the next one.

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When the strongest among us falls

By on September 5, 2013 in Autism

Autism parents. As differing as autism children.

Some go so far as to separate them into labels such as ‘warrior’ or ‘victim’. Some call them ‘special people’ because God only gives ‘special children’ to those types. Others see them as bad parents that let their children ‘get away with stuff’ what they would never have let happen themselves.

We’re just people. Autism parents are people. Same strengths… same… weaknesses…

Earlier, my Facebook timeline began to repeat one name, over and over again. It was the name of a woman that I’ve met on Facebook. It was a woman that I’ve seen in the news. A woman that I’ve had the pleasure to talk to. She’s commented on this blog.

Before you read the news story that everyone was talking about, before you form any opinions on what you think may have happened or start to question what lead to this or anything else, I want you to consider this:

She was one of the strongest autism parents that I’ve met.

http://record-eagle.com/local/x312422563/Charges-loom-for-Benzie-woman-in-murder-suicide-attempt

Another autism parent on Facebook shared a similar link with the caption “I just don’t understand it.” but I do understand it.

Still, I can’t help but to think how fragile, not just life is, but our own self worth, our inner well being and more so than that, our strength to keep it all up.

When the strongest among us falls, how do the rest of us carry on?

The answer came to me, not once, but twice this week as I watched autism parents share their private phone numbers on a not very private Facebook wall so that anyone, it doesn’t matter who, can call them if ever they need someone to talk to.

Now, I don’t condone nor do I think I could ever forgive attempting to take Issy’s life as well (if everything did happen as the reports are saying they did). No matter how hard anything ever got, I could never do anything to hurt my boys.

But I do understand how dark it can get. The first time autism parents shared their phone numbers this week, it was for me.

So how do we carry on? Well, I think all of those incredible autism parents already have the answer: by being stronger than our strongest. And the only way that can happen is with numbers. 2 people are stronger than 1. With enough people, you can balance any weight.

A group at it’s weakest is still stronger than an individual at their strongest.
For an individual will tire eventually, no matter how strong they are.

Which brings me to the last words from the last post on her blog:

There is so much more to say.  I’m just too tired to write more.
All my love,
Kelli
http://thestatuswoe.wordpress.com/2013/09/03/when-a-power-player-takes-you-down/

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Autistic – Noun or Adjective? Which is offensive?

By on July 12, 2013 in Autism

So I wrote my last post and titled it: “AutCraft – The not so little Minecraft project for autistics and their families” and went about my day. Until this happened:

autistic-nounorajdective1

autistic-nounorajdective2Now, I’m sure you’ve all heard the “person first language” thing, where some people insist that you use “person with autism” rather than “autistic.” I’ve written about it before in articles such as The last word on “person first language” where I explain why I use the terminology that I use.

This however, is entirely new to me. Now, in this seemingly middle ground area, it’s ok to use as an adjective but not as a noun. The woman that tweeted above, uses “mom to autistic son” in her bio and yet uses “ouch” and “awful” in her tweets to me because I referred to people as “autistics” in my post title.

I am an understanding person though so I’m not going to dismiss hers or anyone else’s concerns. I do however feel that we should work this out so that we have a better mutual understanding of each other.

Now, in conversations, I’ve referred to myself as a Canadian, a baldy, a male, a genius, an idiot, an autistic, an introvert, a bore, a supporter, a nerd and a whole bunch of other things. These can all be used as adjectives.

What I need now is a list of terms that you use when referring to yourself.

Then I’ll pick and choose the ones that I think should offend me and we can then come to some sort of agreement where you can no longer refer to yourself that way and I can no longer refer to myself that way and we can finally go back to being happy people.

Because the last thing I’d ever want is to offend YOU by referring to ME.

 

 

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